Pilot Palooza - The End

And with that we conclude Pilot Palooza '11.  I've had a blast and I really congratulate myself (yeah, I'm that guy) on the brilliance of this idea.  We watched 8 pilots and while they weren't all hits with Mike, they were all fun to share with my friend.  


The winners are...


#1 - Everwood
#2 - TIE: Veronica Mars & Gilmore Girls
#3 - Life As We Know It


He's decided to watch Life As We Know It first though since it's only a measly 13 episodes long, then tuck into Everwood.  I'm sure he'll occasionally tweet his thoughts and I can't wait.  


I'm compiling my list for next time already!  

Pilot Palooza - Round Eight

Our Pilot Palooza event concludes with Gilmore Girls.  

Mike loves Lorelai's delightfully sarcastic personality. 


He is thrilled to see Jared Padelcki though it's weirding him out that after all these years of seeing him as Sam Winchester, he's suddenly Dean.  

I keep getting distracted by the differences between some of the pilot sets and the sets from the rest of the series.  Original Luke's throws me for a loop and that shot where you can see "across the street" behind Lorelai when she's standing on her parents' front porch?  Yeesh!  


"It's over already? Boo!"  This one's a winner.  

This one gets 8 out of 10 from Mikey. 
Lorelai is his favorite thing about the show.  

Pilot Palooza - Round Seven

Ready, set, SLAY!  Buffy The Vampire Slayer is a slightly jarring follow-up to Everwood, so we took a dinner break in between.  

Mike jumped once even before the credits.  Good start.  Followed by continued jumping and gasping when the dead kid falls out of the gym locker.  


I always forget how much I love Cordelia. 


Minute 16: "Are you going to hate me forever if I say this is horrible so far?"  Uh oh. 


Buffy: "Oh come on, this is Sunnydale.  How bad an evil can there be?" 
Mike: "She had to ask." 


Mike thinks Angel is hot.  I can't believe Angel is wearing a crushed velvet blazer.  

Michael just said he hopes a vampire gets Cordelia.  Our friendship is hanging by a thread. 


His opinion of the show has been upgraded - "horrible...but pretty fun."

Sad news in the ratings department.  He gives it only a 5 out of 10.  
He HATES the special effects.  He liked SMG and Alyson Hannigan. 


Disappointment.  


Moving on. 

Pilot Palooza - Round Six

When the main menu of the Everwood disk came up and the theme song started to play, Mike said "oh my God, even this song makes me want to cry." Buckle up, my friend, it's going to be a weepy ride. 

I have never watched that death notification scene without crying.  Never. 


Mike is curiously quiet through this show.  Just a chuckle or two so far.  No tears yet though.  For him that is, I've cried at least once.  


He's getting pretty tired of the 'tude Ephram keeps copping with Andy.  "Alright, that's enough ya little dick! Can't a dad change?"  


He loves Edna.  He's a fan of crabbily funny people.  

Audible Gasp Alert!  Mike did NOT appreciate it when Bright made the comment about when Ephram's mom "bought it" - "PUNCH HIM!"  Now he's just really hoping that Amy actually does like Ephram and isn't a dick like her brother.  

The father/son fight in the street: "that was intense.  My chest got kinda tight."  


Edna continues to amuse him and he loves the constant surprises that everyone seems to be related to crabby Dr. Abbott.  


"Awww.  God, I fuckin' love this show!"  I am so happy right now!  

He just double checked the cheat sheet I made him: "it's ludicrous that this show was only four seasons!"  He's not wrong.   


TEARS!  At the 46 minute mark.  


He rates this one 11 out of 10.  
His favorite thing about it is that it's a perfect little mix of everything.  

Pilot Palooza - Round Five

Up next: Felicity.  This one is a life-changer.  

Right off the bat, I'm struck by how young Keri Russell looks and Mike says "she looks way too old to be graduating high school."  Perspective, I guess.  


First Noel sighting: "This is going to be one of those 'who's she going to end up with' things, isn't it?"  Not as big a TV virgin as I thought, this one.  


Mike says Ben has "Stefan hair" and suddenly I wonder why it never occurred to me that Stefan has Ben hair.  Maybe because Ben only has this hair in the pilot?  Hmmm.  


Audible gasp when Ben tells Felicity that he's into Julie.  


Cue the Sarah McLachlan.  

Sally!  Of all the things I miss about Felicity, and the list is long, Sally's voice overs are what I miss most.  Mike is very disappointed to find out we never meet Sally: "what?! That's bullshit!"  

He gives this one 7.5 out of 10.  Lower than I expected.  
His favorite thing about it is that it's set in New York.  He's a Ben guy, "Noel is cute and he obviously gets cuter but...Ben is hot.  Really fuckin' hot."  

Pilot Palooza - Round Four

We're gettin' our Greek on! 

Five minute mark, he's laughing already.  But he's also mentioned that it's suffering for directly following Veronica Mars.  That was bound to happen.  

First Cappie sighting: "Yum."  Second Cappie sighting: "no, not yum." 


So far? Not a Casey fan. 


He just called Calvin "Smash Williams" then I made him laugh and he almost spit sangria everywhere.  We're cookin' now. 

"Kick his ass, Rusty!"  There was actual cheering from Mike when Rusty clocked Evan with the pledge paddle.  


And a gasp when Heath and Calvin came out of the room.  "This just went up a rating number!"  


He only gives this a 6 out of 10.  I'm disappointed, but I persevere.  
His favorite thing about the show: "Calvin was born this way...like me!"  

Pilot Palooza - Round Three

Going into today, Mike thought he'd end up choosing Veronica Mars as his next project so he's very excited to start Round Three.  Here we go...

"Rob Thomas created this?!?!"  Common exclamation from non-TV addicts, I'm sure. 

So far, he's not terribly fond of "psychotic jackass" Logan.  Then again, who was? He thinks Wallace is adorable and he loves Keith.  

Veronica's pilot hair is giving me a traumatic flashback to Rose's terrible 'do from The Vampire Diaries.  

"Is the sheriff's last name 'Lame'?" Mike thinks they missed an opportunity there. 

At 35 minutes in, Mike thinks they should make a Veronica Mars movie.  

The show finishes to a round of applause from Mike.  

He gives it a perfect score - 10 out 10.  

His favorite thing about Veronica Mars? "Everything."  

Pilot Palooza - Round Two

Moving on to Joan of Arcadia.  

Already, Mike's a big fan of Cute Guy God.  That's a good sign.  On the other hand, "I don't like that he doesn't fucking answer her questions!" he tells me. 


"The priest isn't so bad looking either."  You guys, the smiting is imminent.  


Mike thinks Jason Ritter looks like Jared Leto.  I have no idea what to do with that.  


He just full-on screamed when Sammy snuck up behind Joan and startled her while she was running from the creepy serial killer man.  I laughed at him.  I know you're all riveted by my play-by-play.  


"That's why God wanted her to get a job!"  By Jove, I think he's got it. 


Mike rates this an 7 out of 10.  

His favorite thing is "God.  Not Lunch Lady God.  Cute God."  

Pilot Palooza - Round One

To start with, we've changed up the programming order - Mike decided he wanted to watch the shows starting with the shortest series and ending with the longest so we're kicking off Pilot Palooza with Life As We Know It.  

The first thing Mike said was that while Dino (Sean Faris) is good looking, he prefers Jonathan (Chris Lowell). I've always been partial to Ben (Jon Foster) myself.  


Mike also noted, during the scene where the boys are playing hockey in the house, "no mom in the world would walk in on that and not scream at them to get out of her house with that shit."  

Thirty minutes in: "I like this show a lot so far."  


He gives it "a solid 8 out of 10." 
"It was good.  It was not what I expected."
Mike's favorite thing about it is the friendship chemistry between the boys.  


First round: Success! 

Treasures From The Past

Having a bad day at work has yielded an unexpected and delightful gift.  While trying to find a file saved on one of the 12 unlabeled USB drives in my drawer, I came across this picture.  Who else misses the '90s?

Admittedly, this would be even more delightful if the 7th Heaven peeps were replaced with extra Buffy or Felicity cast members, but beggars can't be choosers. 

Pilot Palooza - The Premise

My friend Vicki recently said, "I don't know why people don't just watch what you tell them to watch. You have excellent taste in television."  You guys, she isn't wrong.  That's not to say that I don't watch bad shows because I do.  But I only ever recommend that people watch things I believe they'll genuinely love based on their own sensibilities and I have a very high success rate with these recommendations. Have I ever recommended that someone watch One Tree Hill?  Yes.  But I recommended it to people who enjoy bad, soapy melodramas as much as I do and they did, in fact, like it.  I don't go around telling everyone they should watch One Tree Hill though, that would be ridiculous.  

I do go around telling everyone they should watch Friday Night Lights and to-date I've convinced 12 people all of whom have loved it unabashedly and have gone on to convince others to watch it as well.  FNL's universal appeal is the exception, not the rule. 

Recently, I've had a run of success convincing people to take my advice and learn to love shows they should have been loving all along.  My friend Mike is one of my pet projects.  After turning him on to FNL, Gossip Girl, and The Vampire Diaries, he agreed to catch up with some old shows that would help him develop a better appreciation for the great shows of the past and better understand half of the references I make.  He's nearly finished with The O.C. and now it's time to pick his next adventure.  There are too many good ones to choose from so I was having a hard time figuring out what should be next.  That's how we came up with Pilot Palooza. 

This Saturday we will spend the entire day viewing the pilot episodes of the shows I've determined he's most likely to love.  I've put them in a specific order taking into account the duration of the series (the longer the series, the harder it'll be for him to get through it since he's kind of slow) and the likelihood of him choosing it to be his next adventure.  Most of them were chosen by me, some of them were added to the list at his request.

The Schedule
Veronica Mars
Everwood
Greek
Life As We Know It
Joan Of Arcadia
Felicity
Gilmore Girls
Buffy The Vampire Slayer

He's a smoker so we end up taking frequent breaks which means that while I could watch these 8 pilots in just over 6 hours, it may take Mike all day.  Like I said - slow.  However, if he's unable to make a choice based on the pilots alone, and we have adequate time, we will narrow it down and watch an additional episode of his top choices. 

Come back here on Saturday and find out how this project is going or follow us on Twitter (@PhantomRat and @miaz169) for the random thoughts as they occur to us.  And if you'd like to suggest other shows that you feel I've overlooked, I'm already preparing for Pilot Palooza II, leave a recommendation in the comments. 

What about the children?

Once I start watching and enjoying a TV show on DVD (or Netflix Instant), I usually devour every bit of it, every chance I get.  Such was the case with Greek.  I watched the entire first season last weekend and finished up the remaining 3 seasons throughout the week and this weekend.  I'm a little mad at myself for not watching the show when it was on because I had some thoughts along the way that might have been fun to share with people at the time but it was also really nice not to have to wait a week or several months between episodes. 

I adored the show, you guys.  I didn't expect the humor in a show about the Greek system to be quite as clever or delightful as it was.  There was a lot of heart in these characters and their stories but it mostly avoided sap and schmaltz, except when those things were absolutely called for - like in the finale.  I'm a proponent of a certain degree of sap and schmaltz when something ends.  I believe there's a time and place to get sentimental and that's almost always during a goodbye. 

As I said before, nearly all of the characters on the show were likable in one way or another.  Frannie had a rough patch there for a while but in the end, she wasn't as bad as she could have been.  I appreciated that they never really made Evan or Rebeca terribly nice but they still managed to make them decent friends and sympathetic people in their own ways.  The shit Evan pulled getting Wade and the guys expelled to improve his standing at Omega Chi was indefensible but not entirely out of character. He did spend way too much time and energy caring what other people thought and that was one of the things that would always come between him and Cappie.  He was raised to put "business" ahead of personal relationships and that's just what he did.  For a time it seemed like Rebeca would be the unlikely person to change that about him but in the end, whatever change came about in him was brought on more by peer pressure and his parents than anyone else and again, that makes a kind of sense to me.  He wasn't ever going to behave like an adult until his parents either taught him to be an adult or encouraged him to become one on his own.  Rebeca wasn't much with the big breakthroughs in adult behavior either but she had her moments.  She genuinely wanted to prevent Dale from being humiliated by Tripp and his Omega Chi douches.  She really did love Evan.  She was more than just the spoiled, bitchy politician's daughter.

Casey makes an interesting heroine in that she tends toward selfishness and often makes the least sympathetic choices.  Like, could that girl spend more time stringing along the man she's supposed to love?  Cappie wore his love for her on his sleeve most of the time and she took advantage of his feelings and used him for sex more often than I was comfortable with.  He never pretended to be anything he wasn't and she purported to love him for who he was so long as he changed and became someone more like her.  But despite all of the times she looked down on Cappie or ignored her friends and their problems to focus on herself, I never disliked her. 

The show had a lot of respect for gays and treated all of the gay-related stories and characters with respect and dignity while still having the good grace to make just as much fun of them as the straight characters.  Calvin's serial monogamy and slowness to realize that Heath was perfect for him were compelling and fun.  That dude has a type like no one I've ever known and I really can't believe how long it took him to see that Heath was the epitome of that type.  Plus, there was never going to be anyone in his life that could compete with the cuteness of Heath's dimples. 

There was so much to like that I keep starting to say "my favorite thing" and then realizing that whatever I'm listing is only one of my favorite things.  I loved Beaver and I loved Katherine and the fact that Beaver and Katherine hooked up in the end is just about the most perfect thing I can imagine.  They are equally lovable in the exact same way for the exact opposite reasons which makes them the perfect match for each other.  The funniest episode of the series was the season four ep "All About Beav" which, as the title suggests, focused on Beaver.  Every time he (or Cappie) worried about the children I devolved into a fit of giggles.  Every detail of Beav's life was priceless from the fact that his mom gives him a wake-up call every morning, to the tiny stuffed penguin that sleeps on his shoulder every night.  Snatching a few bucks out of Heath's undies as "hush money" for not telling anyone Heath's working as a stripper and then promptly spilling those beans to Cappie.  His desire to be a teacher while being maybe the dumbest person that's ever gone to college, ever.  His love of a white chocolate raspberry mocha with extra whip - which he gets for free since saving the barista's life with a "hemlock" maneuver.  The hidden wisdom he shows about life when he helps Casey finally realize that she is the reason that Evan and Cappie can't be friends and that nothing with her and Cappie is really over.  When he tells Casey that she's his favorite woman he's never had sex with?  You guys, my heart totally melts.  In a smaller way, I love the moment when Cappie comes into the house, disheveled from his fight with Evan at the ZBZ house and sporting a tragic black eye.  Beaver simply asks Cappie whether "Bing" was responsible for his current state and quietly nods when that's confirmed.  It's a sweet moment of friendship that illustrates the value of having friends that get you vs. having friends that need to be involved. 

I loved Ashliegh who was gorgeous and sweet and funny and whom I would like to see in just about every show from now until the end of time because she brings an effervescence to the screen that is never unwelcome.  I love Dale's social awkwardness and complete comfort in his own skin.  I wasn't so sure I liked him rushing at first.  It didn't seem to make any sense for the character and it was completely out of the blue from a story perspective.  But in the end it made a weird kind of sense and told a couple of stories that were worth telling (including the moment of personal triumph over bullying when Dale refused to let Tripp's trick humiliate him at the Pledge Talent Show and then when Calvin and Rusty joined him on stage in solidarity). 

In general, I just love Cappie.  I wish I knew exactly why I have such affection for a guy who wears too much jewelry, usually needs a haircut and wash worse than anyone ever, is kind of a purposeless fuck-up, and generally behaves like a child.  That's not the kind of guy I can usually stand even in small, fictional doses.  But even in marathon form, Cappie was fun and cute.  He struck the perfect balance between heart and irreverence.  It was a lot to do with the way he was written but I suspect it is also because of the way Scott Michael Foster played him and the chemistry he had with nearly every other actor on the show.  He was well suited to be the anti-hero leading man.  And I like that Cappie did eventually become a better man but he did it because he wanted to, and not because Casey brow-beat him into it. 

I'm not sure I buy Ashliegh and Rusty ending up together because I didn't think they had any chemistry at all together, but as that serves the story, I get what they were trying to do.  Rusty had a string of girlfriends that really made sense with him and maybe it was time he had one that didn't, and Ashliegh got short shrift in the romance department through the entire series.  It was clear though that the romance was more about wanting certain members of the core group to end up together and I'm not going to begrudge them that even if it isn't the choice I would have made. 

Besides, I'm too busy being happy that Beaver and Katherine, Calvin and Heath, and Cappie and Casey ended up together.  Everything else is incidental. 

Be Seein' Ya

Before I talk about the season finale of One Tree Hill that aired on Tuesday, I just want to do a quick inventory of some of the things that have happened on the show in the past eight seasons.

7 car accidents
2 murders
4 attempted murders
3 hostage situations
4 kidnappings
3 teenage marriage proposals
6 births
2 sex tapes
6 drug related story arcs
3 psychos
3 ill advised tattoos
10 love triangles
2 prostitutes
6 near drownings
4 attempted suicides
2 divorces
6 weddings
7 blackmail schemes
3 bad movies
5 dead parents
2 prison sentences
3 time warps
1 suicide
5 attempted suicides
2 attempted rapes
4 road trips
and 1 human heart eaten by a dog

You know what's happened to me in the last 8 years?  I've gotten 8 years older.  So when I make a bunch of comments about how the eighth season was boring or all flashbacks and flossing, it's not really a criticism.  I'm actually quite happy for the residents of Tree Hill that after that much more than their fair share of drama, their lives are more about trimming their nose hairs and changing diapers than about avoiding psychotic nannies and fighting with each other over a guy I wouldn't cross the road to spit on.  After eight seasons with these people, I have quite a lot of affection for them and I think they deserve to live happy, normal lives. 

The season finale gave them all that.  Nathan and Haley have happy, healthy kids and fulfilling careers.  Brooke and Julian are parents to two adorable boys.  Quinn and Clay are happy and they have a new recliner.  Alex and Chase are in love.  Mouth and Millie are moderately successful and content.  They're living normal lives and the button on it all is that Karen's cafe is open again and Jamie is off to play basketball at the River Court in his Kieth Scott Body Shop sweatshirt just as his uncle Lucas did 8 long years ago.  That was the ending they all deserved.  The ending we all deserved.  

But it's not the ending we get.  Instead, we'll have another 13 episodes next spring to watch these characters battle or suffer or flounder or floss.  I'm not so sure I'll be back with them though.  I might like them too much to stick around for the indignity of it.

Also, James Lafferty may not be back in every episode and an ep without Nathan is not worth watching. Period.

The Season Of The Switch

I've already made my feelings on the quality decline of Hellcats clear so I'm not going to bitch too much more about it. I will only add that after a half season of being perfectly enjoyable, campy, and better than it had any right to be based on its name and subject, Hellcats ended it's series run with a dramatic story about strep throat. Strep. Throat. There's almost no one on that show that doesn't deserve better.  It did remind me how much I like Christine Lakin though.  Someone should give her a regular role in something. 

Glee hasn't ended it's season yet but it did take another giant step away from fun entertainment and toward unbearable self-satisfaction and preachy emotional manipulation at the expense of coherent storytelling and consistent characterization.  Did I cry at the funeral? Yes.  My heart is not made of stone.  But just because I'm easily manipulated (I seriously cry at everything, you guys) doesn't mean I mistake sappiness for quality.  Can Lea Michelle sing the fuck out of a Barbra Streisand song? Yes. Do I love Funny Girl to hell and back? Yes.  Would I pay cash money to hear Amber Riley sing "Try A Little Tenderness" twice a week for the rest of my life? Probably.  But none of that made the episode good. They've ruined this show while keeping just enough things in it that I can stand to keep me from abandoning ship.  I hate them for that.

Weekend In Reviews

Spring Cleaning - That's not the name of a movie or television show or anything, that's what I did this weekend.  I spent almost two full days (and well into the nights) cleaning out my closet and getting rid of clothes, shoes, and brickabrack that was cluttering up my life.  I also cleaned out the "everyday storage" part of my garage and got rid of a bunch of that crap too.  The Goodwill in my area is getting lucky this week.  And my closet has never looked more organized.  Unfortunately, I was so focused on organizing the closet that I may have neglected to do a lot of other important things this weekend.  Like call my best friend on her birthday.  Happy Birthday, Heather!  Sorry I'm a rotten, forgetful friend but you know I totally love you!!!

Greek - I'm not sure how I managed to never watch Greek when it was on or how I managed to kind of not even know it existed until, like, it's 3rd season because this show is right up my alley.  I watched the first season (22 episodes which I feel the need to clarify since Netflix On Demand shows it as being the first two seasons despite the fact that ABCFamily does split seasons airing one half followed by a months-long hiatus and then the second half. It's all very confusing) while I cleaned and I enjoyed it immensely. 

I don't think this show will turn into the sort of beloved affair that I have to own on DVD like some sort of security blanket I need to keep close to me to feel whole (yeah, that's a thing I do. Don't judge me), but it's definitely a fun, adorable show that I was smitten with from the start and which I'm excited to continue watching. 

The cute factor is through the roof on this show.  Cappie is probably the only over-accessorized boy in history that I find completely attractive even while he's wearing 5 more rings and 3 more necklaces than I find tolerable on any man.  He's funny and smart(ish) and a pretty terrific friend.  He even has his moments of being a good boyfriend to Rebeca.  I find Rusty to be a more likable version of the college freshman that Jay Baruchel played in Undeclared.  I'm sure someone's going to find that blasphemous and it's nothing against Baruchel but I found that character's nerdiness slightly less relatable and endearing than I find Spitter who is simultaneously nerdy, inept, awkward, and believably fratty.  I'm not sure you can tell, but that was a compliment. 

Beaver is, as I mentioned on Twitter last night, the second cutest dumb boy I've ever seen on TV.  Besides his extremely attractive physical appearance, he's bumbling and dippy and hilarious and exactly the kind of well-meaning numb-skull whose idiocy I tend to find myself attracted to. I like Calvin and practically live for every scene he has with either Ashley or Dale, but I question his taste in men.  Deputy Leo the French TA is good looking, there's no question, but Heath and his dimples are ridiculous.  Call me crazy but I really hope that Calvin and Heath get back together at some point. 

All the girls are pretty and mostly likable (though Frannie looks about 35 while all of the other girls look 24), but I love Ashley most of all.  I'm not sure I really like Rebeca, but I'm able to tolerate her a lot more and I even find some of her insane hatred of Casey amusing.  The character I've come to appreciate the most in a way I would have never expected, is Dale.  I was sure he'd be the off-putting, born-again, racist weirdo that everyone tried to avoid but instead he's the born-again kid who's reluctantly open to being there for everyone no matter who they are.  I really hope he and Calvin hang out more in the seasons I haven't watched yet because there is comedy to be had there, my friends. 

Anyway, I'm liking this show very much and I'm a little mad at all of you who knew how cute and fun it was and never told me.  What kind of friends are you?

Daddy Issues

Back in the fall I was making a fuss about how Hellcats was a much more fun, enjoyable show than it was given credit for being.  Last night I was incredibly embarrassed to still be watching the show at all. 

The opening cheer or dance numbers went from fun to squick-inducing and the "stories" really went down hill after Jake went to prison.  Last night I briefly considered deleting all of my Hellcats-related posts to erase all evidence of my support of the show would be erased from existence.  I was humiliated for everyone on the show (especially Gale Harold for slumming it here and Robbie Jones for that opening dance which was the cringiest thing I've ever witnessed on television).  Even Dan Patch can no longer rescue this show from itself.  When your show requires Gale Harold to say "I tried to tell you but your tongue was in my mouth" you have SERIOUS problems.  When he delivers that line, in hushed tones, to a woman 20 years his junior? Well, your show is just plain icky.  (Icky, by the way, is a technical term which refers to an uncomfortable situation which results in feelings of nausea, squirming, and general unease.)

So what exactly happened on the show, you ask?  Marti's banging her teacher now and then finds out that he's got a kid and isn't actually divorced.  They accidentally almost burn his house down when the two of them get so caught up in each other's eyes while slow dancing in the living room that they don't notice the house fill with smoke.  Savannah's dad embezzled money from the pension fund of a bunch of municipal employees but Savannah is sure it was an accident - and I can't even tell you how often I've accidentally embezzled money from pension plans, that shit is a hazard!  They bail him out of jail with money borrowed from the church and he promptly runs away because he is gross.  Dan's dad happens to be a municipal employee who no longer has a pension because of Savannah's dad which causes a bit of a rift between the two of them until Dan decides that he's going to be the bigger man.  And finally, Lewis's dad's truck is bankrupting him so Lewis and Nasty Kathy join a dance marathon to win him a new Rav4 but Alice hates it when other people do things so she breaks up Lewis and Nasty Kathy and then steps in to partner with Lewis instead.  They win the car but she tears up her foot in an especially vomit-inducing way in the process. 

It's time for this ratings-challenged show to be put out of our misery.  I suggest they parse the cast for particularly CW-worthy actors, relocate them to other, better shows.  Might I suggest Gale Harold find his way to Mystic Falls and Matt Barr gets a decent show of is very own?

Death Is Their Gift

Every time I think The Vampire Diaries has gotten as good as it can possibly get, it finds a way to get better.  And not just a little better, sometimes it fully doubles in awesomeness.  


Previously, there was a curse that wasn't about what we thought it was about because instead it was about Klaus getting to be a werepire. His dashing, badass brother Elijah was sick of his shit and was working with the Mystic Falls All Stars to kill him during his curse-busting ritual. Klaus turned Jenna into a vampire, and Tyler took a nibble out of Damon's arm. Approximately 2,486 other things happened but none of us has all month to rehash it here.  


In the Lookwood Kennel for Wayward Werewolves, Caroline and Matt are sequestered in a cage trying to keep Wolf Tyler out.  Wolf Tyler starts to get his snout through the bars of the cage and Matt panics and shoots him. Caroline screams, and Wolf Tyler goes down with a whimper.  Caroline vamp-speeds Matt out of there once Matt stops being kind of a raging butt about holding her hand.


At Alaric's Apartment, Katherine and Damon have a chat about Damon's werebite.  Damon's pretty pissed that Katherine got Jenna taken and vamped but it's the kind of pissed where he's not expending energy on all those empty "I'm going to kill you" threats and has taken to being all "whatever, you're the worst. I hope you're sad and lonely forever. I'm going to go get myself killed for the woman I love now, have you seen my jacket?" I rather like the no-bluster, serious Damon.  As a bonus, he still has crazy eyes even when he's not acting particularly crazy. 


In the woods at Klaus's Official Ritual and Exposition Creepatorium, we're getting Jenna's vampification story. Long story short - doppelganger hijinks, kidnapping, blood drinking, neck snapping, woke up at the Creepatorium.  Greta the Grinning Witch is like "this is taking forever" so she telekenetically flings Elena across the Creepatorium and lights a ring of fire around her to keep her at bay.  Then she slices her wrist open with a rock and forces Jenna to drink, thereby completing her vampformation.  You know, it's really less of a grin, and more of a smirk.  Greta is just as irritating as her father and brother were before they were mercifully killed.  

House of the Whispery Witches.  Bonnie and Jeremy are sexily laying around reading grimoires amidst 3000 off-white pillar candles while the local Wicks and Sticks franchisee pays cash for a new Bentley and books a cruise around the world for her summer vacation.  Jeremy doesn't think they're going to have any luck finding a spell that will prevent Elena from vamping but Bonnie's reassuring and zen about it.  


Outside, Elijah is giving Stefan and Alaric the deets on the ritual. He explains that once Elena dies, Klaus will officially become a werepire and I will officially have more questions than answers.  I mean, for example, if Klaus bites himself, will he die?  According to Elijah, Klaus wants to create a werepire race of his very own but in "Bloodlines" Damon specifically told Elena that "vampires can't procreate" so, how is Klaus going to make this "race" of werepires?  And what's the upside to a race of werepires anyway?  Or is he just like a crazy kid with a new toy who mainly wants to, you know, make sure he wins all the Badass Of The Year awards?  All of these questions are making my head hurt.  Elijah says he just needs Bonnie to deliver Klaus to the brink of death during the transformation and then he'll swoop in and kill Klaus himself.  I love watching Elijah swoop.  He's a world-class swooper.  


Damon calls Stefan then and gives him the bad news about Jenna.  Stefan looks at Alaric and is like, "why do I always have to be the one to deliver the bad news?" I think it's his strong jaw and comforting hair that make him so good at the job.  


Creepatorium. Jenna is doing that thing all the new vamps do - talking up their heightened senses and breathing heavy.  Elena is trying to teach her the finer points of being a "good" vamp.  Greta arrives then with Jules who is screaming in pain.  That's when Klaus shows up, calls the assembled ritual fodder "my lovelies" and affects a calm demeanor that gives me a bit of a wiggins.  


Caroline and Matt arrive at the Lookwood house and lock themselves in while Matt reloads his rifle.  Oh, how I wish that was a metaphor.  Caroline's like "oh, hey, WHAT THE FUCK, dude?  Didn't I compel you to forget all the vampire/werewolf stuff?"  He tells her that her mom had him on vervain and faking his compulsion so he could spy on her.  The news that her mom knows and continues to hate vampires is pretty upsetting for Caroline.  Caroline wonders if Matt feels the same way but he's all business and declines to answer. You all know I love Matt but he's really pissing me off in this episode.  If you can't just blindly love Caroline and worship the ground she walks on, no matter what sort of undead monster she is, I don't think I can trust your judgment about anything.  


Salvatore House.  John arrives looking for Elena but finds only a snark-laden update on the evening's progress thus far from Damon.  "How could you let that happen?  You were supposed to keep her safe.  Wasn't that the sum total of your plan, 'to keep her safe'?" John asks.  Yes, John, yes it was.  But as I've tried to tell you all a million times, Damon is not good with the plans!  You fools have only yourselves to blame for continuing to let him have these plans.  Anyway, Damon's all "I fed her my blood, we're good."  


Creepatorium.  Klaus gives Smirky McWitch the moonstone and she starts to chant.  Jules gives Elena a last minute "I was just trying to help Tyler" explanation before Klaus plunges his hand into her chest cavity and rips out her heart.  Jenna looks horrified and then I feel a little bad by how desensitized I've become to the heart-ripping.  Commercials. 

Back at the House of Whispery Witches, Jeremy has made it through the piles and stacks of grimoires that they snagged from Doc Warlock, all the way to Emily Bennet's grimoire which they've had all along.  That's where he's found a spell about resuscitation that involved Johnathan Gilbert somehow.  Jeremy prepares to call Stefan and have him bring over Gilbert's Chronicles of Crazy but before he can call, Alaric comes in to tell Jeremy that they are now tied for the lead in the How Many Girlfriends/Wives Can One Person Lose To Vampirism Race.  Oh, and how that also means Jer's aunt is dead and stuff.  Sad. 


Outside with Elijah and Stefan, Bonnie is pissed that Klaus would just randomly turn Jenna when they have all of these lovely pre-made vampires.  The guys are like "well, you know, mean and crazy. What're ya gonna do?"  Bonnie is ready to go 100 Witches on Klaus's ass to save Jenna but Stefan tells her that he hates that plan and instead he'll try to get Klaus to trade Jenna for Stefan.  No offense to Jenna, but that is my kind of bargaining.  Bonnie blinks. 


Creepatorium.  Smirky Chanting.  Klaus wrings Jules's heart out on the flaming alter of the moonstone.  Jenna and Elena have a heart to heart about how Jenna has really been a shit guardian and how Elena doesn't hold that against her because the alternative (John) was even less appealing.  Elena is sorry she never let Jenna in on the vampy truths sooner and then she gives Jenna some more of the "you have a lot of fancy new powers you can use to fight back" pep talk.  


Over at the Lockwood mansion, Matt is still keeping watch for wolf Tyler and is starting to worry that he killed him.  Caroline says that it takes more than wooden bullets to kill a werewolf.  She's worried but she would rather talk about how sad she is that her mom might want to kill her.  They hear a noise on the porch and Matt readies his gun.  I for one can't wait until Matt comes to terms with the supernatural shit up in this town and either resigns himself to his own human impotence or takes slaying lessons from Alaric because this gun-wielding nonsense is tiresome.  Caroline tells him to chill and goes to the door.  She sees Tyler lying on the porch and demands Matt give her his jacket.  I think that since Tyler is out there naked, we should even shit up a bit and Matt should take off more than his jacket.  But I'm just the kind of person who's overly concerned with fairness.  Caroline goes out and puts Matt's jacket over Tyler's bits.  Tyler is surprised and glad to see Caroline.  


Whispery Witch Acres.  Locator spell cast, they know where Klaus is.  Stefan tells Elijah that he'll head over now and Elijah can bring Bonnie with him when he swoops.  Elijah thinks Stefan is honorable.  Stefan wonders if Elijah is as well and Elijah promises not to fail the gang.  There's some "brothers: can't live with 'em, can't ever find the balls to really kill 'em" talk and Elijah is like, "well, sure but Klaus already killed all the rest of my family that I loved and then he hid their bodies all over the fucking world so I couldn't find them to unkill them.  Plus, ugh, I'm just so sick of his buckets of crazy.  If you want to see honor, just watch me get my revenge on that little bastard."  Except he phrases it in a much more dashing, sexy way.  

John arrives at Whispery Witch Manor with boxes full of the Gilbert Chronicles of Crazy, ready to help them find the spell that he also remembers reading about. Bonnie asks after Damon who is upstairs talking to his BFF.  Alaric is breaking the news to Damon that Stefan is on his way to trade himself in for Jenna.  Damon is pissed because he was partial to the plan where the only casualty of this evening was Bonnie.  He throws a tantrum and punches a wall and is then visibly a lot more hurt than he should be.  Alaric is concerned about the well being of his bestie but Damon lies that he's fine.  Alaric wrinkles his brown and waits for Damon's pants to catch fire.  


Creepatorium.  This ritual involves a LOT of fire so I guess the townsfolk are too busy prepping for this week's big party to notice how the Quarry is lit up like Christmas?  Smirky incants, Klaus is creepily calm.  He suddenly addresses the thin air in the distance and the camera cuts to Stefan watching from an elevated vantage point and requesting a confab with His Nuttiness.  Klaus vamp-speeds to the bluff to chat.  


Whispery Wiccan Willows.  John's giving the background of this spell.  A mother called Emily for help when her baby was sick and dying.  There's a thing with the bonding of a life force and an intact soul that supersedes the vampire blood.  Damon isn't so sure this sounds credible.  John goes all protective-father and basically tells Damon to stow it.  They have a short crazy-eyes-to-thin-lips stare down and the thin lips take it.  


Back to the Creepatorium, Elena gives Jenna a crash course in vampy eaves dropping and eventually Jenna hears Stefan offer to trade himself for Jenna.  Klaus isn't really feeling it.  He likes the "symmetry" of performing his ritual with all women.  When he says "three...goddesses" I swear to God, Joseph Morgan took creepy to a whole new level.  Jenna tells Elena what Stefan's plan is and Elena gapes.  We go to commercial pondering why Elena is the least bit shocked by this development.  


Lockwood House.  Caroline comes into the room where Matt's waiting to say that Tyler is resting in the other room.  Matt's glad that Tyler is ok.  He tells her how great the last few days have been and he looks so hot that I almost can't be mad at him when he's all "but, I can't deal with your supernatural shit when I have bills to pay and school and a mom who disappeared to go wear badass shoes and kill people for a rogue government agency."  Almost.  As soon as I remember how all of his friends, who were already dealing with the supernatural shit, still managed to be there for him when his sister showed up dead and his mom bailed again, I am able to muster some irritation.  He's still ridiculously hot though and I really do think he'll come around eventually.  


Whispery Witch basement.  Bonnie puts some whispery mojo on John and makes to leave with Damon.  Jeremy tries to come but Bonnie kisses him until he passes out.  Hee!  John stays with Jeremy.  Elijah, Damon and Bonnie head out and before Alaric can get through the door to follow, she mystically locks him in.  He's pissed.  Alaric begs Damon to get Bonnie to let him out and Damon's all "sorry, I can't lose anyone else I love today.  You have to stay."  


Elena is pacing around her fiery circle out at the Creepatorium.  She's trying to come up with a plan to save Stefan.  He and Klaus arrive then and Stefan's like "sorry, hon. Best I could come up with on short notice."  Klaus makes like he's going to have her choose but then just stakes Stefan in the shoulder blade and breaks the stake off in his back.  He wants to keep Stefan alive because he has other plans for him.  But he also wants him to stop trying to fuck up the nice ritual so he snaps his neck to shut him up for a few.  Greta then ups the smirking and the incanting.  Jenna is let out of her fiery cage and vamp-speeds over to the alter where she takes a bite out of Greta before Klaus appears behind her and stakes her.  Jenna falls to the ground, still alive.  Elena screams and cries out to her aunt.  She tells Jenna to turn off her emotions so she won't be scared anymore.  Klaus then flips Jenna over and stakes her in the heart.  I was not the least bit attached to Jenna but holy SHIT was this scene moving.  Nina Dobrev was amazing and Sarah Canning really brought it.  Sniffle. 


When we return from commercial, Stefan is trying unsuccessfully to remove the wood from his back while Greta continues to chant smirkily in the background.  He sees that Jenna is dead.  Elena quietly asks Stefan if their friends are going to come kill Klaus.  Stefan says they are.  Elena's like "well ok.  Here we go then."  For a girl who spent almost the entire episode stuck in a ring of fire unable to do anything, she's pretty fucking badass, you know?  Klaus comes over to her and summons her to come with him.  She walks over to the alter, and waits for him to kill her.  "Thank you, Elena" he tells her.  "Go to hell," she replies.  He smirks and then...drains her blood.  Stefan watches while Elena dies.  


The fires go out and Klaus begins to stalk through the Creepatorium cracking and contorting as he starts to change into a wolf.  Greta watches with awe.  Just then, Klaus is flung across the Creepatorium and all the fires reignite.  Bonnie comes stalking in with her own incanting while Damon sneaks up behind Greta and snaps her neck.  I excitedly shout "smirk on THAT, bitch!"  Damon picks up Elena's corpse and goes to his brother.  Bonnie whips a whole bunch of her 100 Witch mojo at Klaus who just writhes on the ground all "NO! You were DEAD! I'd be a wolf right now, if not for you meddling kids!"  Damon pulls the stake out of Stefan's back and asks Damon to get Elena out of there.  Stefan will stay with Bonnie until Klaus is dead.  


Elijah makes his swoop, which on him looks a lot like a stroll, because he is that awesome.  Klaus is a little surprised to see him and Elijah greets him kindly before plunging his hand into Klaus's chest cavity and keeping it there for a while.  Elijah's like "this is for all the members of our family that you killed and dropped in the oceans you annoying, crazy little piss ant," while he squeezes Klaus's heart.  Klaus takes this speechifying moment to announce that he didn't really bury the Original Family at sea.  He just said he did so that no one would look for them and save them.  But he knows where they all are and if his big brother will just let him live, he'll take him right there.  Pinky swear!  


Bonnie and Stefan watch nearby and are having none of this shit.  Stefan begs Elijah not to listen to this hooey but Elijah is torn.  Bonnie threatens to kill them both if Elijah doesn't hold up his end of the bargain.  Elijah reminds her that she'll die and she reminds him that, as she's stated in every episode of the entire season, she doesn't care.  Think, think, think.  Elijah apologizes to Stefan and Bonnie and than vamp-speeds he and his brother on out of there while our heroes just stand there shouting "NO!" into the fire.  

Whispery Witch Estates.  As sunlight streams in through the windows, John is writing a letter while Alaric worries about how long it's taking.  Jeremy asks if John read the whole story about this spell.  John did, so he's well aware of what happened to the mother after the baby came back to life.  He gives Jeremy the letter he just wrote along with his ring, and asks Jeremy to give it to Elena for him.  Alaric is like "what the fuck is going on?  If you don't want that ring anymore, can I please have it back so Damon and I can play Wonder Twins again?"  John asks Jeremy and Alaric sweetly to take care of each other just as they hear the door upstairs open.  Jer and Ric rush upstairs where Damon is carrying Elena's corpse in and promising to stake her himself if she comes back as a vampire so that he doesn't have to live with her hating him for all eternity.  That seems really lovely until you remember that he could have just not fed her blood against her will and would have avoided the possibility of having to kill her altogether.  But I love how even when Damon does the right things, he always does them for the wrong reasons.  He's not going to stake her because she doesn't want to be a vampire, he's going to stake her because he can't bear for her to hate him for all eternity.  Selfish.  


He lays her down on a sofa as Jeremy and Alaric come running in.  Jer asks how Elena is.  Damon doesn't know.  Ric asks after Jenna.  Damon just turns and gives him a sad look and then apologizes to Jeremy.  Behind them, John walks out onto the porch and just as Elena gasps back to life, John collapses to the ground, dead.  


Lockwood house.  Caroline flops down on the couch where Tyler is napping and wakes him up.  He thoughtfully sits up and lets the blanket fall onto his lap so that the gorgeousness of his body can help distract me from how unexpectedly sad I am at the death of Uncle Daddy.  Tyler says he shouldn't have come home and Caroline disagrees saying he shouldn't have ever left and better never leave again.  He's surprised by this.  He's like "but, uh, I keep trying to kill you."  Caroline tells him that no friendship is perfect.  She mentions that Matt dumped her a few hours ago and she suggests that instead of him leaving her too, he thank her taking care of him, saving his life and generally being awesome; apologize for trying to eat her again; and be her friend.  She cries and he comforts her with snuggles under this blanket.  Where he's naked.  Does anyone else feel flushed?  


The brothers Salvatore, dressed in dark suits, chat at the Gilbert house.  Damon notes that he compelled a couple of grave diggers to bury the bodies of the two most recently deceased members of the Gilbert family.  Jeremy finds Elena getting ready in her room.  He's also wearing a dark suit and, pardon my inappropriate timing but this is where I am contractually obligated to remind myself that Steven R. McQueen is nearly 23 years old and it's not illegally pervy of me to have these thoughts.  He gives her the letter and the ring from John.  She tells him that she's sorry that he's lost so many people but he tells her that at least he still has her.  They have a beautiful brother-sister moment and I start crying again.  


Elena sits on her window seat and reads the letter from her biological father.  I'm not going to transcribe it because I'm short on time and long on tears already.  It's incredibly moving though.  He tells her that he's sorry for his prejudices against vampires and that he's leaving the ring for her future child.  While his voice over reads the letter, Elena, Jeremy, Stefan, Alaric, Bonnie and Caroline stand by the graves of John and Jenna.  Elena puts one red rose each on their graves and those of her mother and father.  John's letter tells her that he loves her and he always will.  Alaric lays a rose on Jenna's grave and squeezes Jeremy's arm.  

Damon stands apart from the group, staring into space.  Stefan goes to Damon and asks him to come back to the house with the rest of their friends.  Damon wants to pass, worried about what will happen now that the curse is broken and they've got a werepire on the loose.  He sort of off-handedly mentions to his brother that Tyler bit him and he's dying.  Stefan promises to once again find a fix when there isn't one.  To save his brother.  Damon just wants Stefan not to tell Elena about the wolf bite.  Damon is stoic.  Stefan is stricken.  I can't believe an episode this epic wasn't even the season finale.  See you next week.