Going, Going, Gone

Last night on The Vampire Diaries, a couple of formerly entombed vamps went off the rails, Stefan, Elena, Caroline and Matt went on a double date during which Matt and Elena took a trip down Memory Lane and sent Caroline into an insecurity snit, Damon went to Cougar Town and Jeremy took a ride on the Batshit Crazy Express!

Elena is sick of all the vampire nonsense and just wants to have some normal, fun time with her boyfriend. At the same time, Caroline is pissed that Kelly doesn't like her and that Matt still acts weird around her every time he sees Elena. So when Caroline suggests that the two couples go on a double date that night - her motive being to show Matt how in love Stefan and Elena are so he'll get over her - Stefan jumps at the opportunity to be all normal. So the four of them go to the Grill but anyone who's ever been on a double date before knows that unless all four of you are used to hanging out TOGETHER anyway, it's hella awkward. So every time someone tries to start up the conversation somehow it always ends with Matt and Elena reminiscing about something which is all very friendly and innocent because they have known each other since they were embryos. Through it all, the incredibly well-adjusted Stefan smiles and is not remotely threatened but Caroline gets increasingly jealous. So she curtly requests that Elena accompany her to the ladies' room where she tells Elena that she's sick of being every one's second choice and Elena stares at her like "are you kidding? This was YOUR idea!"

While all of this awkwardness is going on, Kelly is up at the bar knocking them back with Jenna and Damon, who is still trying to drown his Katherine-related sorrows in booze and women. Actually, he might be trying again, rather than still because he got a visit from Anna's mom who told him that if he helps her take over the town (by cutting off the supply of vervain and also telling her who all knows about vamps), then she'll tell him how to find Katherine. So he's all torn and re-depressed and shit. Anyway, as one might imagine, Kelly is draping herself all over Damon like he's sex incarnate (which, he sort of is) and is completely oblivious to the fact that her son and his friends have front row seats for this particular cougar show.

With the girls in the bathroom, Stefan and Matt have a convo that tells me this show should TOTALLY make these two BFFs when it finally gets around to cluing Matt and Caroline into the existence of vampires. They're playing pool and Stefan is quite good, Matt asks if there is anything Stefan isn't good at and Stefan makes a joke ("double dating") and then basically asks if he really comes off as that kind of guy who's so good at everything that everyone hates him and Matt says yes, but in a nice, friendly way and they both laugh. When the girls return and ask what's going on Stefan notes that Matt is cheating and Matt says "no need, I'm awesome" and then smiles and hugs Caroline. Why do I give you all of these teensie details? Because I am officially obsessed with everything Matt-related, especially Matt/Caroline stuff and now Matt/Stefan stuff.

Across town all the newly-released from the tomb vamps are compelling some sweet lady to let them live in her house and drink her blood and while Harper and Anna's mom (I'm really going to need to learn her name) and the other vamps are really nice about it, this douchy guy with a goatee played by the actor who has a recurring role as a jackhole reporter on The Closer and his girlfriend who doesn't get a speaking role are complete dicks. Mom tells them not to leave the house, and to basically sit there and shut the fuck up until she tells them otherwise but as soon as she turns her back, they're off to town to snack on the residents. I guess I probably should have mentioned that while the Salvatores are just under 200 years old, Mom is about 600 years old so not only does she have seniority, but she's stronger than all the other vamps too - apparently the older a vamp gets, the more powerful he/she gets.

You know who doesn't seem all that comfortable with snacking on the nice lady or having a bunch of extra blood-suckers runnin' around Mystic Falls? Anna. Not only does she exhibit disgust at the presence of Douche and his girlfriend, but she seems uncomfortable with all manner of vampy nonsense and she shows signs of crushiness for Jeremy.

Speaking of Jeremy, now that he's twigged to the existence of vampires (thanks to seeing Anna briefly vamp out before she knocked him unconscious and almost fed him to her mom), he's trying to learn what he can about how to kill them and how you become one by posing these questions in some kind of online chat room.

So Matt, Caroline, Stefan and Elena are sick of watching Damon and Kelly dry hump at the bar and they head to the Salvatore manse to...be awkward some more. Before they leave though, Douche sees Elena and stops her because, like every other fiend in town, he thinks she's Katherine. She's like "sorry, wrong girl" in a very "I don't know anything" kind of way, then slyly texts Stefan that "that guy" just called her Katherine. Unfortunately "that guy" already made Stefan so he's ducked out before Stefan can see him.

Now at the manse, Caroline notes that the place seems familiar to her and Matt checks out a model car collection and upon hearing that Matt is a huge fan of cars, Stefan offers to show him something very cool. Out to the garage they go where he unveils a really pretty old sports car of indeterminate (by me anyway, I am not a car girl) make and model that he says does not run. Matt offers to try and fix it as he always used to with Elena's dad's old camero. Caroline mentions that she is not a fan of sports cars because they're too hard to make out in (preach!) and Matt disagrees that he never had trouble with it - obviously referring to the times he and Elena got their mack on in the aforementioned camero. Matt immediately wishes he hadn't said that, Caroline snits off, Elena stands there wishing that she could rewind time with the power of her mind before going after Caroline the way any good girlfriend does, and Stefan smiles to himself all "kids these days!"

Back at the Grill, Jenna has also grown tired of the dry humping and has decided to take her leave and promptly runs into Douche on the street. Douche lays it on THICK trying to seduce her into...well giving it up, but by "it" I mean blood. He attempts to compel her but her vervain perfume cock-blocks him and she laughs in his face then hops in a cab. Douche sulks about the rampant use of vervain making hard for him to find a meal in Mystic Falls. I suggest he move to Cleveland then and stop taking up screen time on my show.

Over at the Gilbert house, Anna has dropped in to flirt with Jeremy. She tells him that she's staying in town after all since her mom has decided to open a shop in town (and is buying Dr. Gilbert's old office for it, I think) and maybe even going to school if her mom will let her. He mentions that he's writing another school paper about vampires - how they might not be so bad, just...misunderstood. She suggests he maybe move on and not dwell on the undead. The two adjourn to the kitchen for a snack and when she turns her back, he slices open his hand with a knife. He basically waves it around in her face until she can resist the smell no longer and vamps out. Then he's all "ah HA!" Oh Jeremy! She asks him why he's doing this to her and he just stands there with his blood in her face and then he kind of...tells her to suck it? God, there is like no way to describe this stuff without sounding insane and kind of pervy. Anyway, she's sucking his hand and he's making faces like it hurts so good (there I go again!), when Jenna walks in and interrupts the reverie. Jeremy goes to greet Jenna and when he comes back into the kitchen, Anna has slipped out the back door.

Meanwhile, out at the manse, Stefan and Matt are in the garage discussing how Matt really doesn't mean anything by the reminiscing, it's just sort of a nervous silence filler and Stefan is completely chill about it because if anyone knows about having a history, it's the 200 year old vampire. And out in the yard, Caroline and Elena are having girl talk about how Caroline is convinced that Matt will just always love Elena and not her. Then the boys come out of the garage driving the newly fixed car and Stefan suggests that Matt take Caroline for a ride. They take the car for a spin, Matt adorably dorking-out over it's classic car-iness and then he pulls over to have a heart-to-heart with Caroline about their issues this evening. He basically gives her the kind of speech she's always giving him and tells her that he knows he kind of created this problem himself when he told her before they started dating that he still had feelings for Elena but as it turns out, he really was just innocently reminiscing with a friend and the only person in the world he wants to be with his Caroline. She clearly believes him because her expression softens immediately and they make out - despite being thwarted by the stick shift (stupid sports cars!). Seriously, the only way that scene could have been hotter is if he had his shirt off and the lighting were ever-so-slightly less "inside a closet at midnight during a new moon."

Upon growing tired of making out in a teeny car, Matt and Caroline return to the manse and meet back up with Stefan and Elena. The four go back in the house just in time to find Damon practically mounting Kelly in the entry way. Because Damon is incredibly sexy, that scene is also pretty hot. And to his credit, despite the fact that she keeps baring her neck at him, he does not sink his teeth in. At least not before the kids catch them. Anyway, Matt breaks the party up by disgustedly shouting "MOM?" and then he takes her home and Elena assures him that she'll take Caroline home. Stefan gives his brother the "dude!? Matt's mom?" face.

When they get home, Matt lets Kelly know that he's pretty fucking sick of being the responsible one in the house when, in fact, he is the child and she is the parent. Poor Matt!

While back at the Salvatore abode the brothers are set upon by Douche and his girlfriend. After a bit of tussling, Stefan steaks Girlfriend and then Douche gets gone and heads back to the farm where Mom non-lethally stakes Douche to drive her point home that when she says don't leave the house you better listen because Mama doesn't mess around!

And finally, Jeremy's ready to tuck himself into bed when Anna appears in his room to chastise him for letting her suck his blood. She wants to know how he knows (he saw her turn) and why he's so interested (he's starting to remember some shit about Vicki). She tells him how dangerous it is and how she so easily could have killed him (clearly she didn't because she lurves him!) and she asks him why he did it. "I want you to turn me." Holy eff, shit moves so fast and gets so damn good on this show!

Next week, Douche is fixin' to kill Stefan and I can only hope he is dispensed with as briskly as Bartender Ben because I'm already way past sick of this jackass.