Channing Tatum.
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Jensen Ackles.
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Hugh Grant.
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Eric Bana.
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Jason Statham
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Jason Statham.
Showing posts with label Jason Statham. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jason Statham. Show all posts
November 2, 2009
October 16, 2009
August 19, 2009
August 11, 2009
April 28, 2009
Weekend In Reviews
Better late than never.
Crank - I didn't actually watch Crank this weekend but since I've seen it many times, I'll go ahead and give it a quick review as a companion piece to my review of the sequel.
Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) is dosed by a Mexican mobster with a Chinese poison that requires him to keep his heart rate way up or he'll die. It's like the premise of Speed except Jason Statham is the bus in this case. He runs, he huffs nasal spray, he defibrillates himself, he has sex with his girlfriend (Amy Smart) on a busy street, he beats the shit out of people, he consults his doctor (Dwight Yokham) for other ideas, and he shoots people.
The body count is high, the plot is THIN. At the end he jumps out of a helicopter, bounces off a car and lands face down in the middle of a street...then blinks. The end.
It is not great cinema. It's completely ridiculous, cheesy, stupid, awful cinema actually. It is as if the story were written by a particularly aggressive chimpanzee with ADHD - it's schizophrenic and poorly thought out, not remotely intelligent and utterly dissolves under the slightest scrutiny. But the action is undeniably exciting and the commitment to cheese of the entire cast, crew and director makes the movie pure entertainment. They know they're making a stupid movie but they get better than anyone that that is the beauty of it. They want you to laugh your ass off between decapitations and explosions and hard-on sight gags. They want your head to spin so fast from the fast-cut action and violence that you don't care there is no reason at all for any of it. And damn if they don't succeed on every single level.
Crank High Voltage - Having enjoyed the first Crank to a shameful degree I went with Heather to see the sequel in the theater on Saturday. Right out of the gate the childish giggling started and it was a non-stop blast until the very last credit ran.
It seems that a thousand foot fall and bounce off of an Oldsmobile is not nearly as deadly as it used to be as it's revealed in the opening scene that Chev was literally shoveled off the pavement by a mysterious Asian gang, and taken to a whore house (natch) to receive open heart surgery which he happened to be awake for. They took his heart (to give to a zillion-year-old Chinese bad-ass played by David Caradine) and left him with a battery operated faux pumper. Just as they're preparing to harvest his (no doubt extremely valuable) penis, Chev calls bull-shit and beats his way out of the place on the hunt for his "strawberry tart" which is, apparently, British slang for heart.
He suffers run-ins with any number of complete nutbars on his quest to find his pumper and get it back where it belongs. Bai Ling is the world's most annoying whore, and I swear to you, that isn't just me throwing non-sequiter insults at the actress - she actually plays the world's most annoying whore in the movie. Amy Smart returns as Chev's girlfriend who has apparently turned to stripping since the supposed death of her crazy-hot boyfriend. She works for a mulletted Cory Haim and that is just as awesomely bad as it sounds. Dwight Yokham is also back as Doc Miles and, despite Statham's incredible gorgeousness, Yokham might be my favorite thing about the whole movie. There are no words to describe the joy I get from his a simple delivery of lines like, "Don't make Doc get up and choke a bitch."
I'm not going to beat around the bush, there is some disgusting shit that happens in this movie. Chev axle greases up the barrel of a shotgun and anally rapes a rather large, tattoo-assed man with it. The head muscle from a Mexican mob cuts off both of his own nipples. A man keeps his brother's severed head in a tank of water. If you're not a fan of naked boobs, you're going to want to skip this movie because there are approximately eleven million breasts. There are probably other horrors which I've chosen to block out, too. Who remembers. What I do recall is that there is a lot more public fornication in the sequel and they've made it ever more graphic and silly and hilarious to watch.
Heather and I laughed our asses off and we stayed clean through to the bitter end of the credits just to see the few outtakes that they peppered throughout. I enjoyed the movie just as much as the first one. Even more for the fact that we came away with two great additions to our lexicon: "Bing fucking Crosby" and "Chicken. And. Broccoli." What do they mean? I have no idea. That's kind of the beauty of both the lines and the movie.
Crank - I didn't actually watch Crank this weekend but since I've seen it many times, I'll go ahead and give it a quick review as a companion piece to my review of the sequel.
Chev Chelios (Jason Statham) is dosed by a Mexican mobster with a Chinese poison that requires him to keep his heart rate way up or he'll die. It's like the premise of Speed except Jason Statham is the bus in this case. He runs, he huffs nasal spray, he defibrillates himself, he has sex with his girlfriend (Amy Smart) on a busy street, he beats the shit out of people, he consults his doctor (Dwight Yokham) for other ideas, and he shoots people.
The body count is high, the plot is THIN. At the end he jumps out of a helicopter, bounces off a car and lands face down in the middle of a street...then blinks. The end.
It is not great cinema. It's completely ridiculous, cheesy, stupid, awful cinema actually. It is as if the story were written by a particularly aggressive chimpanzee with ADHD - it's schizophrenic and poorly thought out, not remotely intelligent and utterly dissolves under the slightest scrutiny. But the action is undeniably exciting and the commitment to cheese of the entire cast, crew and director makes the movie pure entertainment. They know they're making a stupid movie but they get better than anyone that that is the beauty of it. They want you to laugh your ass off between decapitations and explosions and hard-on sight gags. They want your head to spin so fast from the fast-cut action and violence that you don't care there is no reason at all for any of it. And damn if they don't succeed on every single level.
Crank High Voltage - Having enjoyed the first Crank to a shameful degree I went with Heather to see the sequel in the theater on Saturday. Right out of the gate the childish giggling started and it was a non-stop blast until the very last credit ran.
It seems that a thousand foot fall and bounce off of an Oldsmobile is not nearly as deadly as it used to be as it's revealed in the opening scene that Chev was literally shoveled off the pavement by a mysterious Asian gang, and taken to a whore house (natch) to receive open heart surgery which he happened to be awake for. They took his heart (to give to a zillion-year-old Chinese bad-ass played by David Caradine) and left him with a battery operated faux pumper. Just as they're preparing to harvest his (no doubt extremely valuable) penis, Chev calls bull-shit and beats his way out of the place on the hunt for his "strawberry tart" which is, apparently, British slang for heart.
He suffers run-ins with any number of complete nutbars on his quest to find his pumper and get it back where it belongs. Bai Ling is the world's most annoying whore, and I swear to you, that isn't just me throwing non-sequiter insults at the actress - she actually plays the world's most annoying whore in the movie. Amy Smart returns as Chev's girlfriend who has apparently turned to stripping since the supposed death of her crazy-hot boyfriend. She works for a mulletted Cory Haim and that is just as awesomely bad as it sounds. Dwight Yokham is also back as Doc Miles and, despite Statham's incredible gorgeousness, Yokham might be my favorite thing about the whole movie. There are no words to describe the joy I get from his a simple delivery of lines like, "Don't make Doc get up and choke a bitch."
I'm not going to beat around the bush, there is some disgusting shit that happens in this movie. Chev axle greases up the barrel of a shotgun and anally rapes a rather large, tattoo-assed man with it. The head muscle from a Mexican mob cuts off both of his own nipples. A man keeps his brother's severed head in a tank of water. If you're not a fan of naked boobs, you're going to want to skip this movie because there are approximately eleven million breasts. There are probably other horrors which I've chosen to block out, too. Who remembers. What I do recall is that there is a lot more public fornication in the sequel and they've made it ever more graphic and silly and hilarious to watch.
Heather and I laughed our asses off and we stayed clean through to the bitter end of the credits just to see the few outtakes that they peppered throughout. I enjoyed the movie just as much as the first one. Even more for the fact that we came away with two great additions to our lexicon: "Bing fucking Crosby" and "Chicken. And. Broccoli." What do they mean? I have no idea. That's kind of the beauty of both the lines and the movie.
April 16, 2009
Did You Know?
That the release of Crank 2 tomorrow gives me a good excuse to post some pictures of Jason Statham that I've had in the queue for a while? I think we all owe Crank 2 a great big thank you!
April 15, 2009
FYI...
If you're looking for something to do this weekend, Crank 2 is arriving in a theater near you on Friday.
December 15, 2008
Weekend In Reviews
Transporter 3: The Transporter movies are not what you'd call long on story. They are really only enjoyable if you completely suspend your disbelief and, in fact, watch them with your brain turned off. Guy drives nice car real fast, handily beats everyone up, is in close proximity to attractive women who can't keep their hands off of him, the end. That said, the first Transporter movie had a very loose interpretation of a plot with a guy who was selling people into slavery or something and his associates and he hired Frank (Jason Statham) to drive his daughter - zipped in a bag don'tchaknow - from point A to point B to keep her from gumming up the works of their operation. Transporter 2 finds Frank working temporarily as the driver for a wealthy and influential family in Florida when some nefarious people kidnap the family's son on Frank's watch. In both cases, Frank saves the day and gets hit on by the distressed damsels ("daughter in bag" and "mother of abducted boy" as their characters might have been billed). But while all that is happening, there are really well choreographed fight scenes and Jason Statham being all...Jason Stathamy.
Transporter 3 definitely has Jason Statham and his patented brand of totally bald, British scorching hotness, but that's kind of all it has. The story never did make sense to me - he's transporting the kidnapped daughter of a Russian something-or-other in an effort to bully him into letting some ships carrying toxic waste dock somewhere. It was never made clear what the big to-do was with the toxic waste and why they HAD to dock the ships in Russia or why they would go to such great lengths AFTER they set the ships to sailing rather than before, or, frankly, why Robert Knepper's character was involved at all. I think the writers (Luc Besson and Robert Mark Kamen) were clearly just out of ideas three movies into a series about a guy who drives good. But the bigger problem was director Olivier Megaton and his all-over-the-place cuts during the fight scenes. If there is one thing I can count on from the first two Transporter movies, it's to be able to clearly see Jason Statham do unbelievable shit while kicking the crap out of random bad guys. I mostly just saw a whole lot of quick-cut fists and feet during this movie.
The movie was a dud overall but Jason Statham is still worth watching it for (you could always do worse than a movie that involves those back muscles!), but I'd highly recommend waiting until you can do it for free rather than paying good money for it. If you need an immediate Statham fix, rent The Transporter or The Italian Job or some other movie he's in that doesn't totally suck.
November 17, 2008
Shut up Mylie Cyrus
Last Friday Mylie Cyrus and Jason Statham were both on The Tonight Show. Cyrus was the first guest and was aloud to remain on the set when Jay brought Jason out. I couldn't have cared less what Mylie had to say so I fast forwarded past all of her stupid shit and then sat absolutely rapt whilst Statham talked about any number of British things in his lovely accent. He was beginning to tell a story about having failed his driver's license exam three times when Mylie piped up to say something utterly useless and un-amusing and I suddenly wished her even more dead than I usually do.
If there is one thing kids should learn as soon as they're old enough to talk, it's that children stay quiet while hot grown-up men are talking. That's just basic stuff, folks!
Do it, Jason. Shoot her!
On an almost related note, I just realized that AnnaLynne McCord of 90210 annoyance was in The Transporter 2. That's her on the far left down there. Lucky bitch!
October 30, 2008
Mark Your Calendars
The Transporter 3 hits theaters on November 26th.
This picture figures into the plot somehow - I don't know how and I really don't care. Jason Statham gets partially naked and that's good enough for me.
This picture figures into the plot somehow - I don't know how and I really don't care. Jason Statham gets partially naked and that's good enough for me.
July 30, 2008
Just Because I Feel Like It
That's why I'm posting pictures of people I have crushes on - just because I feel like it.
For example, when Gilmore Girls was on the air, I had crazy, seething hatred for the Jess character which made me hate Milo Ventimiglia by extension. I was all prepared to hate him on Heroes too, with his emo bangs and his whiny attitude and his drippy love for that art dealer chick, but to my great surprise, I didn't hate him. I ended up kind of loving both the Peter character and the actor which freed me up to realize that Milo is, in fact, incredibly hot.
Here's another one who grew on me. Back in the late nineties when David Boreanaz was just starting out as Angel on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, he was way too pallid and cromag for my taste. He hadn't really developed his acting talent yet and had a bit of an awkward presence as compared to the more talented actors he starred with on that show. As the years passed and he became a more skilled actor, he also grew more mature and distinguished looking. Suddenly his cave-man brow wasn't as noticeable and the lines on his face were making him look devilishly handsome. By the time Angel came to an end and I'd seen him bare all in These Girls, I was all crushed out on him. Now I never miss his hot ass on Bones.
Here's a three-fer. So a few years ago I watched a terrific documentary called The Heart of the Game about a high school girls basketball team in Seattle, Ludacris was the narrator. One of the extras on the DVD for that doc was a one-on-one conversation between Ludacris and the main subject of the doc, a teenage girl named Darnellia Russell. Upon watching the DVD, I developed a crush on Ludacris. I also have a small girl-crush on Mila Kunis who has some of the most beautiful eyes ever. Then there is Mark Wahlberg, whom I was recently reminded I met once, back in his pants-dropping, Marky-Mark days. I recall him as being very short and very good looking in person. He was also very nice for the roughly 15 seconds that I spent with him.
Yesterday I took Meg to Target to stock up on snacks for her plane ride home today (sniff!) and while we were there I swung through the movie section because I always like to see if they have any movies I love for bargain prices. I happened on the box for War stuck incorrectly in a $5.00 spot and said "he's good looking enough for me to pay $5.00 for a movie I didn't enjoy just because he's in it, but I can't pay full price for this movie no matter how hot he is." Megan said "ew, you think HE'S hot?" That's right, she "ew'd" Jason Statham. Megan and I are no longer speaking.
Well it goes without saying that if she can't understand the hotness of Jason Statham, she really doesn't comprehend my crush on Seth Rogen. It seems to be a more wide-spread phenomenon in these post-Knocked Up times, but my crush on Mr. Rogen goes back to Freaks & Geeks and especially Undeclared. He's like the perfect example of a smart, funny, schlubby geek which is VERY hot to me. Particularly with the short hair...rawr!
This is another "husky" Jewish man that I have a long-standing crush on - Greg Grunberg. I fell for him as Sean Blumberg on Felicity and have continued to love him deeply through his years as Agent Weiss on Alias, his brief stint as the quickly eviscerated pilot on Lost, his co-starring role in the tragically short-lived Jake Effect and his current role as Matt on Heroes.
Karen's sister and niece went to the American Idol's Live concert in Rochester, NY last weekend and along with their FRONT ROW tickets they also had meet & greet passes so they, you know, met and greeted My Boyfriend David Cook. At Karen's request, they took several pictures of him just for me and sent them over. Isn't he just as cute as can be?
Alright so David Cook is My Boyfriend and I shall continue to refer to him as such until I develop a new obsessive crush. But I'll always, ALWAYS refer to Joshua Jackson as My Future Husband. That is unless he actually does marry me in which case I'll drop the "Future" part. Anyway, the point is, in the last 10 years no crush has bumped him from the top spot and I see no signs that any will in the foreseeable future either. Especially not now that he's starring in one of the most anticipated new shows of the season - Fringe. Great day in the morning, just look at the man!
*Most of these photos were taken at ComiCon and the photo credit for those goes to James Dimmock and Entertainment Weekly from whom I stole them. The David Cook photo goes to Karen's niece...thank's Karen's niece!
For example, when Gilmore Girls was on the air, I had crazy, seething hatred for the Jess character which made me hate Milo Ventimiglia by extension. I was all prepared to hate him on Heroes too, with his emo bangs and his whiny attitude and his drippy love for that art dealer chick, but to my great surprise, I didn't hate him. I ended up kind of loving both the Peter character and the actor which freed me up to realize that Milo is, in fact, incredibly hot.
Here's another one who grew on me. Back in the late nineties when David Boreanaz was just starting out as Angel on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, he was way too pallid and cromag for my taste. He hadn't really developed his acting talent yet and had a bit of an awkward presence as compared to the more talented actors he starred with on that show. As the years passed and he became a more skilled actor, he also grew more mature and distinguished looking. Suddenly his cave-man brow wasn't as noticeable and the lines on his face were making him look devilishly handsome. By the time Angel came to an end and I'd seen him bare all in These Girls, I was all crushed out on him. Now I never miss his hot ass on Bones.
Here's a three-fer. So a few years ago I watched a terrific documentary called The Heart of the Game about a high school girls basketball team in Seattle, Ludacris was the narrator. One of the extras on the DVD for that doc was a one-on-one conversation between Ludacris and the main subject of the doc, a teenage girl named Darnellia Russell. Upon watching the DVD, I developed a crush on Ludacris. I also have a small girl-crush on Mila Kunis who has some of the most beautiful eyes ever. Then there is Mark Wahlberg, whom I was recently reminded I met once, back in his pants-dropping, Marky-Mark days. I recall him as being very short and very good looking in person. He was also very nice for the roughly 15 seconds that I spent with him.
Yesterday I took Meg to Target to stock up on snacks for her plane ride home today (sniff!) and while we were there I swung through the movie section because I always like to see if they have any movies I love for bargain prices. I happened on the box for War stuck incorrectly in a $5.00 spot and said "he's good looking enough for me to pay $5.00 for a movie I didn't enjoy just because he's in it, but I can't pay full price for this movie no matter how hot he is." Megan said "ew, you think HE'S hot?" That's right, she "ew'd" Jason Statham. Megan and I are no longer speaking.
Well it goes without saying that if she can't understand the hotness of Jason Statham, she really doesn't comprehend my crush on Seth Rogen. It seems to be a more wide-spread phenomenon in these post-Knocked Up times, but my crush on Mr. Rogen goes back to Freaks & Geeks and especially Undeclared. He's like the perfect example of a smart, funny, schlubby geek which is VERY hot to me. Particularly with the short hair...rawr!
This is another "husky" Jewish man that I have a long-standing crush on - Greg Grunberg. I fell for him as Sean Blumberg on Felicity and have continued to love him deeply through his years as Agent Weiss on Alias, his brief stint as the quickly eviscerated pilot on Lost, his co-starring role in the tragically short-lived Jake Effect and his current role as Matt on Heroes.
Karen's sister and niece went to the American Idol's Live concert in Rochester, NY last weekend and along with their FRONT ROW tickets they also had meet & greet passes so they, you know, met and greeted My Boyfriend David Cook. At Karen's request, they took several pictures of him just for me and sent them over. Isn't he just as cute as can be?
Alright so David Cook is My Boyfriend and I shall continue to refer to him as such until I develop a new obsessive crush. But I'll always, ALWAYS refer to Joshua Jackson as My Future Husband. That is unless he actually does marry me in which case I'll drop the "Future" part. Anyway, the point is, in the last 10 years no crush has bumped him from the top spot and I see no signs that any will in the foreseeable future either. Especially not now that he's starring in one of the most anticipated new shows of the season - Fringe. Great day in the morning, just look at the man!*Most of these photos were taken at ComiCon and the photo credit for those goes to James Dimmock and Entertainment Weekly from whom I stole them. The David Cook photo goes to Karen's niece...thank's Karen's niece!
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