Imitation Only Flatters The Imitated

Remember me? I used to recap and write about TV shows on this blog. Unfortunately life and the job that pays me have gotten in the way of that for the past several weeks but I'm back now, if only briefly. What's brought me back here are my mixed feelings about the penultimate episode of One Tree Hill that aired last night.

I think it's possible to enjoy the spirit and the intention of an episode but dislike the episode itself and such are my feelings for "Anyone Who Had A Heart."

The cheeky references to Dawson's Creek's finale and other CW shows, the revisited plot points from its own past, and the shifted focus to wrapping up story lines for characters who have become largely tertiary were all understandable but not terribly satisfying for me.

The season built drama around three (or four depending on your attachment to Chase and Chuck) main stories and after last week, they were all satisfyingly wrapped up. It was time to tie a bow on it all and send these beloved characters into the sunset to live on in our memories. But there were two episodes left in the season and so this week we killed time; treaded water; waited.

I don't mind that Julian is going to make Lucas's meta book about the show into a meta TV show about the book about the show. But I was there for the show and I was there for the book that relived the show and for the movie that relived the book that relived the show. I don't need to be there for the show that relives the movie that relived the book that relived the show that swallowed the fly. Perhaps I'll die. The entire episode was like a poor imitation of the final season of Dawson's Creek and I've seen that so I don't need to see this.

If that were the only flaw the episode had, my feels for the episode may have only been "meh," but Julian went and wrote himself into the show within the show and made himself a high school basketball star. He effectively replaced either Lucas or Nathan with himself in the story. That's nonsense on a level that insults all of my memories of One Tree Hill and, worse, insults the character of Julian who has never once exhibited this kind of ridiculous self-involved, myopicness before. To pretend his need to co-opt his wife's past could be charming, is much less than his character and the audience deserve.

I know all of that may sound like I'm mad at the show, but I'm not. I'm just disinterested in these developments and would have rather spent this extra hour hearing stories that faded into flashbacks and then ushered us into our final farewell. This will be an episode, like the entire Felix storyline, that my fond memories of this show shall ignore henceforth.

Weekend In Reviews

As I mentioned recently, I'm in the midst of rewatching One Tree Hill. Over the weekend my journey of rediscovery brought me to the emotionally eviscerating four episode arc in season seven where Lydia James comes back to town to see her daughters and die. I adore Bess Armstrong anyway but I love what she did with Lydia's demise so much that I get chocked up just typing her name now. I'm as guilty as anyone else of marginalizing One Tree Hill as a melodramatic, often ridiculous basket full of crazycakes, but when this show deals with death it never fails to be emotionally affecting and perfect. That was true when Jimmy killed himself; when Keith was shot; when Quentin was killed; and when Lydia died of pancreatic cancer.

But after sobbing my eyes out for 4 solid episodes, I had to lighten the mood on Saturday evening. So I watched two super cheesy movies.

Starstruck - This Disney Channel Original Movie is about teenage sisters from Michigan. One is obsessed with a Bieberific teen pop star and the other...isn't. When they visit their grandmother in Los Angeles, the obsessed one tries to stalk Faux-Biebs so she can meet him but instead the other sister meets him and the two fall madly in love. There was a thing with a pink car sinking into a giant mud puddle in Malibu, a situation with paparazzi, some stuff where he was mean and she cried, and a whole lot of bad singing. It all culminated at a school dance as teen-related movies are contractually obligated to do. It was exactly as saccharine as you'd expect from a Disney Channel movie which is reasonable for its target audience and the perfect antidote to all the sadness of the OTH death. That's all I have to say about that.

She Gets What She Wants - There is really no excuse for this movie. Piper Perabo plays a "French" foreign exchange student hosted by an expressionless Texas beauty queen (Jane McGregor). The plot is full of double crossing and extreme stupidity. The only redeemable things about this movie are Trent Ford (because he's cute), and Matt Czuchry playing a high school quarterback which is hilarious. Unless you are desperate for a dose of Czuchry (and I can't blame you if you are), don't watch this movie. It's 90ish minutes that feels like 3 days.

Evergreen - About 12 years ago my grandma caught an old miniseries airing on WE one afternoon. I'm not sure what made her stop to watch it, though I suspect it was Armand Assante's name in the credits that caught her eye. Whatever it was, she was glued to her TV for all 6 hours and since then, she's talked about it often.

With some help from one of my awesome Twitter friends, I found her a copy on DVD (dubbed from an old VHS, so the video quality is not great) for Christmas. She wanted me to watch it before she took it home to Kentucky and I finally got around to doing that this weekend.

Evergreen is the story of Anna (Lesley Ann Warren), a Polish Jew, who comes to America in 1909 to make a better life for herself. She becomes a maid for a wealthy family on the Upper East Side and promptly falls in love with their son, Paul (Ian McShane). When his parents arrange for Paul to marry a girl from a good family, a heartbroken Anna marries Joseph Friedman (Armand Assante). Joseph is a house painter with big dreams. He and Brian Dennehy go into business together as contractors and property managers and they ascend to the upper middle class. Anna and Joseph have a son, Maury, and then Anna has a brief affair with Paul which results in a daughter, Iris. Anna never tells anyone that Iris isn't Joseph's child. For the next several decades, everyone goes out of their way to tell Iris how much she doesn't look like either Anna or Joseph.

Maury marries a gentile whose father is antisemitic and because Joseph HATES to be outdone, he is so stridently anti-antisemitic that he disowns Maury for marrying outside his faith. It's all very dramatic and I loved the part when Brian Dennehy, Joseph's Catholic BFF, is all "Joe, you can go ahead and fuck off, you intolerant dick!" But, you know, in more of a 1985 made-for-TV way.

Lots more stuff happens but just in case your grandma makes you watch this some day, I'm not going to tell you how it ends. Oh wait, I totally am because I don't think the rest of you love your grandmas enough to watch this for SIX HOURS. So most everyone dies (Joseph, Maury, Gentile Wife, parentless Eric, poor Ron Rifkin, and Leo the Israeli super soldier) and mostly in tragic, horrible ways. No one ever finds out that Iris is really Paul's daughter and it never really matters anyway because that plot point, as well as the fact that Iris looks nothing like either Joseph or Anna, is a complete non-starter. The movie ends in the middle of a conversation between Anna and Paul about a house in Italy that Paul is thinking of buying. In the middle. It just...ends. After six hours. My grandma's love for this story is far greater than the plot, acting, or over-wrought music cues have any right to expect, but I did find Ian McShane pretty freaking charming as Paul, so there's that.

The End Is Nigh...Again

I have, for all intents and purposes, bid farewell to One Tree Hill more times than I can count.  Some of those times were because I was sure the network would not renew the show for another season.  Some of those times were because the network had already expressed its intent to cancel the show. Some of those times were because I lost interest in the show (I actually did quit watching for 1/2 a season several years ago but then had to start again because...well, just because). Most of those times, the show aired an episode that could function perfectly as a series finale so in addition to my acceptance of its inevitable end, I was given adequate closure.

I spent the entirety of last season ready and even anxious for that to be the last. Not because my affection for the show or the characters had abated, but because it was just time. The residents of Tree Hill go through some shit and it's because I like them so much that I think they've suffered enough. After 9 years of car accidents, heart attacks, weddings, babies, kidnappings, murders, and hairstyles I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, these people deserve to live out the rest of their days in boredom and peace.  And it felt like the show agreed because for the most part, last season was a whole lot of not much that culminated in happy endings for all.  Then the network announced it was renewed for one final, shortened season and I was like "I mean, I guess that's nice for them but, I'm out."

Who was I kidding? I have been here for 8 years already, I'm certainly not going to jump ship with 13 episodes to go. So back I came last night for the premiere of the 9th and final season and was left with mixed emotions.

What I liked about the episode:

I'm really glad Chris Keller is back because he's a very entertaining character who has always added something fun and enjoyably awful (yes, that's a thing, and if you watch this show you should totally get it) to the show. And while I didn't have these feelings in any of his previous appearances on the show, last night I was a bit overcome by how hot Chris Keller got. Tyler Hilton can get it, y'all!

The people I love most on the show were all there and most of them had something worthwhile to do. I'm disappointed that Nathan's role will be smaller this season but some James Lafferty is better than none at all so I'll roll with it.  Brooke and Haley are busy being moms and running the newly reopened cafe and they have great husbands and cute babies so extra helpings of yay for all of those things. Victoria is back and as crazily fun to have around as ever and while I hate Dan more than words, he really is an integral part of the show and absolutely needs to be around this season. Plus, Dan being homeless and having to stay in Naley's guest room is so deliciously wrong it gives me a case of the snickers.

The set up of something that's clearly terrible at the opening of the episode is appropriately melodramatic and insane for One Tree Hill, even if it does seem to fly in the face of my wish that all of the denizens of The Hill end the series happy, healthy and living perfect, boring lives for the rest of eternity.  (But for real, if Nathan is under that sheet in the morgue, I will kill someone.)

What I didn't like about the episode:

You guys, I do not care about Chase and Alex. I barely cared about them in previous seasons when their storylines were entwined with those of Haley, Nathan, Mouth, Brooke and Julian but when their storyline is only about them? No. Remember last year when Chase had an entire arc that was just about him and Chuck? CHUCK? Why is this happening? Last night Alex had one useful role to play - that of allowing Chris Keller to flaunt his Chris Kellerness - but spent, like, 10 full minutes of screen time wiggling her barely-clad butt in my face while Chase was like "bar manager, sex life, underpants, lip-purse." Nathan made phone calls from an airport and he was 3000 times more interesting then everything Alex and Chase did. Plus even with all of his clothes on, he was a million times hotter than they could every hope to be.

Quinn and Clay. I feel guilty about this because there was a time I genuinely liked these characters and thought their stories were worthwhile, but that time has passed and now I just zone out when they're on the screen and have thoughts like "how is that loose-ass, low-cut top not falling right off of her" and "what happened to Robert Buckley and has anyone put out an APB on his neck?"  Even with their presence in the opening montage of sadness, despair and bad things, I still can't manage to give a rip what's going on in their lives. 

My heart will not break if Millie remains MIA but that Chase, Alex, Clay and Quinn all got screen time while Mouth was completely absent is unacceptable. Obviously Skills is gone (Antwon Tanner's legal troubles and all) but Mouth? He's one of the core group! WTF, Schwahn?

Not enough Jamie. Jackson Brundage is C-U-T-E and Jamie adds a lot to the show. He's dependably great in scenes with literally everyone else in the cast so why did he only get 30 seconds of screen time last night? More Jamei, less Alex's panties, guys. Come on.

I'm in this thing to the bitter end of course, but I'm hoping the bitter end has a whole lot less Chase and a whole lot more of...well, pretty much everyone else. Except Chuck.

Month In Reviews

I'm back! After an unplanned and very long hiatus for which my only excuse is "the holidays are hectic," because I'm not terribly original, I have things to say again. I watched a TON of stuff and I'm a little mad at myself for not dropping in to talk about any of it here. I can't remember all of the movies I watched and I'm not even going to try, but here are some thoughts about the TV shows I that've kept me company these last several weeks.

Wildfire - I don't know why it took me so long to discover ABC Family and their stable of original programming. I wasted YEARS not being obsessed with their shows when said shows are perfectly crafted to push every one of my TV soft spot buttons. Wildfire has joined Greek and Make It Or Break It at the top of the heap of ABC Family shows that I hate myself for not finding sooner.

Netflix had been recommending Wildfire to me for a while before I finally gave in. I'm not going to lie, I was less than interested in a show about a horse. But Genevieve Padalecki is so pretty and it I had a fair amount of TV watching time over the holidays so I decided to give the pilot a shot. I was hooked from the start. That damn horse made me sob on so many occasions. And Gen is a seriously good crier so she misted me up on more than one occasion herself.

But what I really loved about the show was Junior. Junior was Pacey Perfect which is my kryptonite. If you don't know what I mean by Pacey Perfect, I am sorry that your life is not as full as it could be, but allow me to explain: when Dawson's Creek began, Pacey Witter was the smart-ass, fuck-up friend of the introspective, blandly-broody, self-unaware leading man. He nailed his teacher and endured humiliations and was generally the anti-hero in a story where the "hero" was, for many of us, kind of an insufferable tool. But hard as the writers tried to make us think of Pacey as the second, less appealing banana, he was dreamy. He was funny, irreverent, smart, possessed of normal human flaws. He also had a way with women - making them feel beautiful and smart and funny and desired but never like they were objects. And it didn't hurt that he had Josh Jackson's face.

What I'm looking for in a TV boyfriend is a someone who seems like a real person and who the writers don't want me to believe is perfect. Junior was that guy. He started out as kind of a cocky schmuck with his overt come-ons, his rich kid swagger and his Porche, but after a few episodes it was clear that he was the one who was going to be a stand-up guy as a love interest for Kris, a friend to Matt and a brother. Every time he had to choose between Kris and someone or something else, he chose Kris. And while he pointed that out on more than one occasion, he never did it as a ploy to win her over, he did it because he loved her. I struggled to understand what the eff the writers were thinking when they hooked Matt and Kris up for a short time because Matt was definitely into Kris from the jump but she had no chemistry with him and was clearly in love with Junior all along.

As I mentioned on Twitter, ABC Family seems to have a Headshot Casting policy that does not require their actors possess any actual ability to act and this show was exhibit A in that argument but despite some terrible acting, it was a really infections watch. The characters were (mostly) really likable or really hateable as I like all of my TV characters to be (nothing worse than a character that is less interesting than an arm chair) and they wrapped it up with a satisfying fourth season and a really terrific finale. Now if you'll excuse me, I need a to go find a tissue for these flashback tears.

Downton Abbey - I am not going to do any sort of justice to this show or how much I love it. Since watching the entire first season in a day (via Netflix Instant, of course), I have implored everyone I know to watch and when they ask me what it's about I spend half an hour stammering all "period piece" and "British classism" and "dry wit interspersed with understated drama." They all just look at me like I've recommended they watch a Republican primary debate. 

I can't sell this show. I can't explain what makes it the best show I've watched in a very long time, but it is. From the moment Mr. Bates arrived at Downton in the pilot I was in love. Full to the rafters with characters, there is not a single person on the show for whom I don't have strong feelings. Most of those feelings are warm, fuzzy feelings of love and steadfast devotion; some of those feelings are of vile hatred and burning rage (hiya O'Brien and Thomas!). But hard as I try to be like "and there's this really sweet valet who is in love with a lady's maid but they hardly ever talk to each other and they never kiss and it's all very chaste and heartbreaking," people are not seeing why that's interesting. I could tell them about the time Mary killed a diplomat with her lady parts but then if they do watch, that's a serious bummer of a spoiler. 

The premiere of the second season last night was astonishingly good. I lost track of the number of times I shouted "fuck off!" or "ohmygod, MAKE OUT!" or "back up off Bates' woman!" at the TV. I probably scared the neighbors when I woo'd at the long-awaited smoochies. I'm sure the earth briefly stopped spinning when I actually, gulp, felt sorry for Thomas and then realized that I sort of LOVE that O'Brien has a crush on Mr. Lang. Fret not, much of my fiery rage has been redirected off of O'B and Thomas and onto the Evil Mrs. Bates. Anna and the Crawleys need to cut a bitch.

I am beside myself with glee that this show exists. If you haven't watched it yet, you really must. I know that I'm doing it no justice at all but trust me, I would not steer you wrong.

One Tree Hill (Seasons 1-4+) - A rewatch sparked by my friend Lisa's interest in watching the show for the first time.  It had been ages since I did a proper rewatch of any part of this show and I don't think I've ever rewatched the post-high school years. This show gets some shit, and rightfully so, for being kind of cheesy and ridiculous (there was that time a dog ate someone's heart) but it doesn't get enough credit for being funny and sweet and cheesetastic, or for having the single greatest married couple on TV who are not Coach and Tami Taylor.

I am on record as having only lukewarm feelings for the show when it first premiered and it was shoving the "Lucas is the new Dawson" agenda down my throat. But once they stopped playing Nathan as the one-dimensionally evil brother and let everyone on the show have a personality that resembled that of a human being, things got a lot more interesting and Nathan became Pacey Perfect. Rewatching actually makes me enjoy the earliest episodes more - partly due to nostalgia and partly because it's fun to see how far they've come. I skipped a lot of season two on the grounds that no one should have to live through Felix and Anna twice, but I've especially loved reliving the 3rd, 4th, and what I've seen of the 5th season so far (next up for me: Lucas/Lindsey wedding ep).

Rewatching makes me love Brooke, Nathan and Haley even more but it also makes me hate Lucas more.  I was a bit of a Peyton apologist the first time around and I still think Peyton is fine and occasionally likable for most of the first 4 seasons but man alive is she AWFUL in the 5th season. I don't know why either Lindsey or Haley never punched her square in the face. I also don't know why no one ever told her that all of her shirts she wears in S5 look like they're bodysuits that she forgot to snap the crotch on. What the fuck was THAT look all about? And speaking of awful, the scene between Victoria and Rachel reminded me that she's the female Dan and no matter how funny she can be, she's still just a hateful bitch.

This trip down memory lane also renewed my insatiable desire for a One Tree Hill spinoff featuring Nathan and Chris Keller having a love/hate bromance wherein Nathan punches Chris Keller in the nose at least once per episode. Tell me you wouldn't watch the shit out of that show!

It is not an exaggeration to say that I've spent all day wishing I were still sick just so I could go home and watch another dozen or so episodes of OTH without guilt.

Be Seein' Ya

Before I talk about the season finale of One Tree Hill that aired on Tuesday, I just want to do a quick inventory of some of the things that have happened on the show in the past eight seasons.

7 car accidents
2 murders
4 attempted murders
3 hostage situations
4 kidnappings
3 teenage marriage proposals
6 births
2 sex tapes
6 drug related story arcs
3 psychos
3 ill advised tattoos
10 love triangles
2 prostitutes
6 near drownings
4 attempted suicides
2 divorces
6 weddings
7 blackmail schemes
3 bad movies
5 dead parents
2 prison sentences
3 time warps
1 suicide
5 attempted suicides
2 attempted rapes
4 road trips
and 1 human heart eaten by a dog

You know what's happened to me in the last 8 years?  I've gotten 8 years older.  So when I make a bunch of comments about how the eighth season was boring or all flashbacks and flossing, it's not really a criticism.  I'm actually quite happy for the residents of Tree Hill that after that much more than their fair share of drama, their lives are more about trimming their nose hairs and changing diapers than about avoiding psychotic nannies and fighting with each other over a guy I wouldn't cross the road to spit on.  After eight seasons with these people, I have quite a lot of affection for them and I think they deserve to live happy, normal lives. 

The season finale gave them all that.  Nathan and Haley have happy, healthy kids and fulfilling careers.  Brooke and Julian are parents to two adorable boys.  Quinn and Clay are happy and they have a new recliner.  Alex and Chase are in love.  Mouth and Millie are moderately successful and content.  They're living normal lives and the button on it all is that Karen's cafe is open again and Jamie is off to play basketball at the River Court in his Kieth Scott Body Shop sweatshirt just as his uncle Lucas did 8 long years ago.  That was the ending they all deserved.  The ending we all deserved.  

But it's not the ending we get.  Instead, we'll have another 13 episodes next spring to watch these characters battle or suffer or flounder or floss.  I'm not so sure I'll be back with them though.  I might like them too much to stick around for the indignity of it.

Also, James Lafferty may not be back in every episode and an ep without Nathan is not worth watching. Period.

Catching Up On Reviews

Remember when I used to write something here every day?  Ah, memories.  I've already made my apologies and excuses for my neglect but what I didn't mention before is that it's not going to improve in the immediate future either.  Why, you ask?  Mind your own business, I say.  Or, I explain that the little sis is visiting on her spring break and I hope to be much too busy doing fun things with her to stop in and post.  But this week isn't over yet and I've still got stuff to talk about so here goes. 

Fringe - Caught up on three episodes over the weekend and holy MOLY does that show know how to creep me out and also make me wish that we could pick and choose people from each world to make one ideal world while the other be destroyed by that wacky contraption.  I'd want to keep Broyles and Walter and Astrid.  But then I kind of want Peter to pick Fauxlivia because she has better hair and I like her Alterna-World peeps so much.  The show gets more interesting every week.

Hawaii Five-0 - It isn't great art or anything, but this is a very fun guilty pleasure show and I could watch Scott Caan stomp around bitching about everything all day long.  The writers are all clearly in love with Alex O'Loughlin.  Every episode is like "he takes off his shirt and then is AMAZING at something that a mere mortal would DIE at the thought of!"  It's hilarious. 

Supernatural - In all honesty, I don't remember the last episode very well at all.  It was a perfectly good episode.  I recal that the wall of supressed torture memories that Death put up when he re-souled him is breaking down and Sam is having some issues.  I know that Ben tricked Dean into coming "home" and then they had a "father/son" talk about how Ben wants to be like Dean but Dean doesn't want that to happen and then I decided that Ben should totally do that and be the star of Supernatural: The Next Generation.  Other than that, I don't know what the case of the week was or anything.  Oh, but tonight is the meta ep where Sam and Dean meet Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles.  I'm cautiously optimistic about enjoying this one. 

Pretty Little Liars - I'll be honest with you, I don't give a shit who A is.  I just love everything else about the show so much that the identity of A is secondary and completely irrelevant to me.  Hanna is my fave, of course and I'm completely invested in her new relationship with Caleb who, despite his hair, does not suck at all.  I'm super sad for Em because she wants to be BFFs with Toby but he's gone all hos before bros on her with Spencer who totally wants to hook up with Toby now that he's got a hair cut and isn't a murderer.  I'd probably be super bored with Aria and Ezra if they weren't so attractive and Ezra if they weren't so freaking attractive.  Plus this new school play story is teriff. 

One Tree Hill - Last week, after Julian and Brooke spent an entire day engaged in role-playing sex games, Julian realized they had entirely too much time on their hands so they should probably adopt a kid.  This week, they lied to a birth mother who promptly found out that everyone they know has spent time in jail, drinks, used to do coke, attempted suicide, is unemployed and/or has been stalked and nearly murdered by a psycho.  Then she told them they could have her baby.  They should be parents by next week.  Meanwhile, Nathan and Clay hung out with a college pitcher whom I find good looking despite my concerted efforts to the contrary.  He's a douche and a dick and he's up to his ears in daddy issues so naturally he hires them to be his agents.  If OTH's series finale doesn't end with the phrase "...and they all lived happily ever after" on a black screen, I will gasp in shock. 

Glee - Last week was maybe the worst, most cringy episode of the series so far (and there have been some very bad, very cringy episodes) but then this week everyone got drunk and it was fun and awesome.  Drunk Rachel is the best version of her.  Turns out Brittany is the one thing that can make "Key-dollar sign-ha" palatable.  And when Will hangs out with Beiste, I don't hate him very much at all.  Win!

Hellcats - I'm going to tell you what you need to know about this episode, ready?  Dan Patch wore a tux.  Dan Patch has a dad who is every bit as awesome as Dan himself.  Dan Patch and Savannah got back together.  The end. 

The Good Wife - I found this to be a bit of a ramp-up episode.  The calm before the storm of "the vote" next week.  A fine episode but not anything that blew my mind clean out of my head.  But happiness awaits us next week, friends because they're calling for a vote and Bond is going to move that Diane get the boot and OMG, if Will and Diane's plan to turn the tables and bounce Bond comes together like they want, I will dance around with joy.  Y'all know I love me some Diane/Will scenes. 

Justified - I've tried to form coherent words and thoughts about the latest episode but every time I start to talk about it, all I can say is: Walton Goggins.  Walton fucking Goggins.  So I'm going with it.  If you aren't watching this show and you don't know who Walton Goggins is, you should remedy that RIGHT NOW.  The show is great and Walton Goggins is AMAZING. 

The Vampire Diaries - Spring hiatus starts now.  So the bad news is we have a five week wait for new episodes.  The good news is that I can be totally late with my recap due to my vacation but still get one up.  I have many things to say and some of them aren't even "MAAAAAATTTTTTT!"  So I'll see you back here in a week or so for that. 

It's Time

One Tree Hill is now in it's 8th season which means it lasted about 7 seasons longer than most people thought it would.  Seven and a half longer than many thought it had any right to.  I am obviously not one of those people as I've watched from the beginning and mostly enjoyed the soapy, over-the-top, dramatic insanity.  In fact, I've long thought that the show was essentially the same as Desperate Housewives, but with better execution and younger characters. 

But here in the 8th season, they've clearly run out of stories.  In past years we've seen stalkers, bullying, murder, drug addition, kidnapping, betrayal, teenage marriage, teenage pregnancy, sex scandals, and the time a dog ate a human heart on its way to transplantation.  This season we've had significant plot points that involve a contract law college course, having a wedding on a shoestring budget, and the lay-around-the-house-ness of unemployment.  Last night was the all-time low-point for the show when the A-plot showed us that Brooke's boredom manifested itself in her desire to become a Kick Ass-esque superhero and then she talked Haley and Quinn into joining her. 

Brooke whipped up three costumes (she couldn't afford to make herself the wedding dress she dreamed about forever but it was no problem at all to throw these pleather monstrosities together on a moment's notice?) and then asked Haley to use the crisis hot line to find them someone to save.  As it turned out, there was a girl at Tree Hill High being bullied so they decided to "help" her.  There was a showdown in a local park where Haley shamed the bullies into leaving the girl alone - or rather, she tried to shame them and when that didn't work, she just threatened them with letters to their prospective colleges.  This all involved a speech about how she was bullied in high school which would have been a little better if Brooke had displayed a spark of recognition that it was she who did the bullying of "Tutor Girl," but alas, that bit of history was left out of the narrative entirely. 

Elsewhere in Tree Hill, our riveting adventures in contract law continue as Nathan makes a friend in class.  Turns out Quinton Aaron's career trajectory is like a meteor headed for earth - last year he was playing Michale Oher to Sandra Bullock's Oscar-winning Leigh Ann Tuohy in The Blind Side and this year, he's a random college student on One Tree Hill.  Anyway, the professor continues to be a jerk and rather than let Nate risk failing the course and not becoming an agent, Clay pops into class to argue with the professor and make him look like a stupid jack-hole in front of his students.  I'm not saying the guy isn't a stupid jack-hole, but I don't think pointing it out to him in a room full of people is going to result in easier grading practices on the final either. 

Chase, who I guess is getting his own stories now for some reason, has joined the Big Brother program and is assigned to Chuck.  Chuck spends the entire episode being an insufferable pill and no one kills him.  I know he's just a kid, but I have him very much so I'm not going to speak of him further.

Mia and Alex continue to bicker over Chase which is annoying and serves only to give Jana Kramer an excuse to sing her new single which was a rather lovely classic country ballad that I downloaded from iTunes immediately. 

And finally, in the...E-plot, Julian directs a commercial for the local community college and hires Mouth as a PA.  When the "star" of the commercial quits, Julian promotes Mouth to the star.  While all this is happening, Mouth makes another mistake with Millie (dude can NOT keep his shit together in a relationship) and Julian sets him straight. 

See?  They're out of stories to tell and after living with these characters for 8 years, I'd just as soon see them happy and with normal, uneventful lives for a change, so it feels like it's ok that they're out and now we can all say goodbye. 

They Grow Up So Fast

Or at least it seems that way because it seems like only yesterday the kids of One Tree Hill were swapping partners and giving Nathan and Haley the business for tying the knot in high school and now Brooke Davis is a married lady. 

It was a nice wedding that went off without a hitch, thanks to Skillz who put himself in charge of preventing the typical Tree Hill wedding hijinks.  You know the sorts of things I mean - revelations of prostitution, stolen limos careening off of bridges, drowning grooms, multiple possible pregnancies, car-induced cold feet that cause the bride to run away, the usual.   There were still a few jinks of the hi variety (Skillz yelling out in church to prevent anyone objecting to the nuptials, Chase and Mia getting caught by all the guests screwing in the limo), but they were small potatoes compared to the things we've seen in this berg in the past. 

It was a shame that Brooke's dad stood her up for their walk down the aisle but after 7 1/2 seasons and...12 years (wow, those time jumps really added up, didn't they?) of seeing hide nor hair of the man, I expected nothing less, or more, as the case may be.  Victoria walked her daughter down the aisle and it was lovely and more appropriate that way anyway.  And, frankly, the most touching moment of the entire episode for me was when the DJ announced that Julian would be dancing with his mother and Brooke with her father and Paul chivalrously stepped in to dance with Brooke.  I eat that shit up you guys. 

Haley's toast was the story of the first time she and Brooke ever hung out together (that of "Every Night Is Another Story") and that was fun.  Jamie's toast was also a story which, was fine except for two things: 1) it sounded so freaking rehearsed and not at all like a kid; and 2) we'd all just heard Julian tell the same story, like 20 minutes before that so...ppbbbblllllttttt!

The wedding was...not the prettiest they've had on this show (that'd be Nathan and Haley's second, in case you were wondering).  I didn't love Brooke's dress, and while we're on that subject, I know she lost the company and doesn't have a lot of money but, I don't know why that meant she couldn't make herself the pretty dress she'd had sketched out all these seasons.  I mean, remember when she made Haley's wedding dress out of the bedspread?  Brooke's dress was gorgeous compared to Julian's hair though.  Holy shit, what happened?  It was awful from the first glimpse in the episode but then they popped in some flashbacks that were all, "look how Julian used to have good hair and be hot.  Now he looks like the biggest dork in the 4th grade."  Wedding pictures are forever, you guys.  That hair is a tragedy that won't be forgotten.  Haley looked pretty in her dress which was about the most flattering of all her pregnancy outfits so far but most of the other girls not so much.  Quinn in particular was wearing a deeply fug dress with illusion netting and her hair in sort of a top-knot bun.  It's always nice to want the bride to be the prettiest one at her wedding, but you don't need to look quite that terrible.  You're not taking a bullet for the woman! 

Anyway, that's what happened in the Hill last night.  Oh, one last thing, I'm really enjoying the budding friendship between Quinn and Alex.  It gives both of them something decent to do and they're good for one another.  It's a shame they can't seem to find much for Clay to do though.  That poor guy is scenery this season. 

Can't We All Just Disagree?

I guess the Glee writers are capable of getting it right once in a while.  That is to say, they can work movie homages into the show with some degree of organic storytelling and it was nice to finally see evidence of that with "Sue The Grinch." 

"A Very Glee Christmas" is just how I like my Glee - full to the brim with music, plenty of fluff with a heartwarming finish and very little "story."  I liked the songs and I loved the shamelessly Christmasy, sappiness.  I could have done without the Finn and Rachel breakup boringness but that's a fairly minor thing I was able to ignore as soon as the singing started. 

Apparently a lot of the internet thought this was one of the weakest episodes of the show yet but the internet and I often don't see eye to eye on these things.  I'm ok with that.  I'm a sucker for special holiday episodes and I don't really care who knows it. 

One Tree Hill skipped the Christmas ep and went for one of their patented "people might probably almost totally die, but not really" mid-season finales, sending the residents of our favorite fictional North Carolina 'burb a late-November hurricane and also a psychotic murderer.  Merry Christmas! 

Jamie took a dive in his spelling bee so that his little girlfriend could win then was driven home with Chuck and the girlfriend by Miss Lauren.  But it was like The Perfect Storm out so Miss Lauren's car turned over on the bridge - the one the limo went off after Hailey and Nathan's second wedding.  Luckily, Brooke and Julian had just been having a big fight about something ridiculous and she was driving to clear her head when she came upon them.  Chuck had a head injury and was losing consciousness.  Jamie and his girlfriend were ok but he was stuck in his seat belt and Miss Lauren was knocked unconscious.  By the time Chuck passed out Brooke had freed Lauren so Lauren took Chuck and Girlfriend to the hospital while Brooke stayed behind to try and cut Jamie out of the seat belt.  They kept showing a downed power line all ominous like so we'd think they were totally going to be electrocuted but then Julian arrived on the bridge just in time for some reckless-driving dickhead to hit the overturned car and send it careening into the river below. 

Julian jumped in after to try and save Jamie and Brooke - whose leg was now trapped under the steering wheel.  That's naturally when the levee broke and began to drown them.  Long story short?  Julian gets Jame out, then comes back for Brooke but doesn't free her before she stops breathing.  There's CPR for, like, 20 minutes and then she's fine.  By my count, that's 4 people on this show who've died and then come back in that exact same location.  Tree Hill should consider closing that bridge. 

Elsewhere, Nathan and Haley get a flat tire and Quinn is one again harassed and nearly killed by Dead Ringer.  Seriously, why didn't Quinn and Clay move after the shooting?  Never mind that she someone tried to murder them in that house, but it's 95% windows and 5% stairs - it's a completely impractical place to live when there is a psycho stalking you.  In the end, Quinn shoots Dead Ringer and leaves her to bleed out on the bedroom floor.  Fair's fair.

We never did find out how Chuck and Miss Lauren are - I guess if you're not important enough to get your face in the credit sequence, we aren't supposed to care if you lived or died. 

The internet and the critics who are prone to loving Life Unexpected held this week's episode in the highest esteem but I didn't much enjoy it.  Everyone in the episode was really fantastic except that I hate how selfish Lux is and how the writers don't seem to think that her behavior is selfish at all.  I'm not sure I have the energy to go into a long diatribe with examples of how everything she did during the episode was selfish but when this show ends for the season (forever) I believe I'll do a recap of the whole shebang and examine the many, many, many choices she made to care about herself more than anyone or anything else. 

Suffice to say, in this episode Tasha went to court to determine whether she was guilty of aggravated assault on Trey and we found out that the thing Lux kept not telling everyone was that Trey had molested and attempted to rape her when she was a kid.  We pretty much all saw that coming and I won't belittle that as a tragic, traumatizing and emotional event but I will say that because of the serious nature of all the other things that were happening in this episode - including the first sonogram of Ryan and Cate's baby, Tasha's fate, Lux's past, and the very way that the characters on the show have finally become one family - I found the inclusion of schmoopy Tiny Teacher love unseemly and gross.  And when he told her he loved her I wanted to punch him in his tiny face. 

Despite how often I complain about it, I really do like this show very much - I wouldn't stick with it if I didn't - but I can totally understand why it didn't find a large enough audience even by CW's standards.  People aren't going to like your protagonist just because you tell them they're supposed to, you have to make the person LIKABLE!  And if you can't do that (Dawson's Creek, One Tree Hill: The CMM Years) you can't rely on sap alone to win them over. 

Oh, Life Unexpected!  You had such potential but you just never could step far enough away to see your own flaws and pull it all together. 

The storm before the calm.

The Holiday hiatus is the hardest part of the TV season for me.  I don't much care about the litany of holiday "specials" that they foist on us, and while the summer is it's own mini-season now, the winter hiatus is a month of reruns and old cartoons.  Thank God that we seem to mostly be going out on a bang before everything is put into deep freeze until sometime in January. 

The Glee kids took another trip to sectionals and while the episode wasn't quite as fun as last week (no Sue and no Burt - boo!), it was better than most of the season that's preceded it.  The writing is still unforgivably uneven and most infuriating is the way they change the personalities of the kids to suit whatever story they want to tell each week.  Say what you will about how selfish and annoying Rachel is, at least she's the same every week (Kurt too).  The rest of the kids are all over the damn place.  One week they love and support each other, the next they hate and plot against each other.  It's 50/50 whether you'll get Puck the badass or Puck the helpful friend. 

Santana may want to punch Rachel every time she opens her mouth, but I'd like to punch Santana every time she's on camera - open mouth or not.  We spend all this energy on the Karofsky/Kurt bullying arc but it's ok for Santana to be a mean bitch to Rachel whenever the mood strikes?  Sorry, but no.  The songs were enjoyable again this week and I love every scene that Kurt and Rachel share together (when the glee club kids graduate from McKinley, I think the show should leave Ohio and follow Kurt and Rachel to New York and watch the two of them try to make it on Broadway).  Blaine and Sam have sure added a heaping helping of CUTE to the proceedings and that helps take my mind off of some of the things about the show that fill me with rage.  I didn't even mind the Finn/Rachel/Puck stuff once I stopped paying any attention at all to Santana's involvement in it.  But the ice under this show is getting thinner by the minute so I hope the back half sucks a whole lot less than the front half did or it's going to splash right into the dark, cold waters of a season pass cancellation. 

One Tree Hill on the other hand, has found a way to be ridiculous and over-the-top while also being completely and wonderfully entertaining.  Bringing Dan back and playing up his creepiest qualities and then having him be a "good guy" in the end was fun.  The silly redneck wedding was purely throwaway and cheesy but if you didn't enjoy watching the Tree Hill gang over-do "redneck" then you are cold and dead inside.  Everything about the episode was fun to watch up to and including the completely insane ending that had Dead Ringer singing aloud in the car to a stalker's anthem as she headed back to Tree Hill to finish what she started (who let that woman out of the nut house?).  I know this show gets a bad rap from critics and...most everyone else over 21 in the world but they can all suck it because this show is what Desperate Housewives has always wanted to be but never managed. 

Thanksgiving came late to Life Unexpected and when it got there, it carbo-loaded and dropped a big pile of sad on everyone.  We haven't officially confirmed that Emma spent her best years banging Papa Baze but, come on, we all saw the looks and his ridiculous over-reaction - we know what's up.  Cate is pregnant so naturally there's lying and subterfuge followed by fighting and childishness followed by making up because that's how those two roll.  I'm ok with it - it's what we're used to.  Emma's son (I know he has a name but for the life of me, I can not remember it - let's just call him Degrassi) is no Jones, but if he wants to blackmail Lux into kissing him and dumping Tiny Teach for him, I'm totally for it. 

You know what though?  Who cares about all of this because the important thing that happened this week, is what's going to happen next week (yeah, technically that makes no sense but that doesn't make it any less true).  The police showed up at the loft looking for Cate and Ryan because they're arresting Tasha for how she almost killed the scary foster dad (and, you know, Cate and Ryan are Tasha's legal guardians) so next week we go to trial where we confirm that Scary Foster Dad molested (raped even?) Lux and beat her and all kinds of stuff.  But here's the thing you guys, Tasha really did hit the dude with a shovel and Degrassi really did witness it so even if we find out for sure that SFD was an SOB (heh), Tasha could still go to juvie.  Save Tasha!

I don't think I've said much about Terriers here but I have given it quite a bit of love on Twitter and the fact of the matter is that it is a perfect show.  Unfortunately it's a perfectly IGNORED show by most people so it's ratings have been, in a word, abysmal which is a crying shame because if it gets cancelled after how amazing that season finale was, I will cry real and heartfelt tears.  I'm reluctant to talk about what happened because if you haven't watched the show, you need to stop reading this right now and go watch every single episode of it either on the internet or download it from iTunes.  I guess I'll just say that Hank wrapped up the Ocean Beach Airport case with the help of Britt, Mark, and Laura but, wrapping up that case opened another can of worms that is exactly the kind of worm can we'd enjoy watching them sort through in season 2.  Britt dealt with his legal and relationship problems like the man that we've always known him to be.  Then, in the end, our boys sat at a crossroads contemplating their futures.  I hope they pick the future that's straight ahead because that's the future I want to find them in when (WHEN!) the show is renewed for a second, perfect season. 

You know what else is perfect?  Friday Night Lights.  When the kids on this show play a football game, I stand up and scream for touchdowns, passes, sacks, interceptions, fumbles - you name it, I scream for it like it was a live game with an undetermined outcome.  The Loins Lions won their game this week against the Racist Dickheads but that was really the least of the story.  The thing is though, I can't really tell you what the most of the story was because it's not necessarily the plot points with this show.  It's the moments.  The true-to-life little things that they just get so right - like when Coach had a heart-to-hear with Vince while he cooked bacon in his office (which...wha?), or when he sat on the patio silently listening to Vince, Luke, Tinker and Hastings talk as boys do, or when the boys shared some drunken reverie and then needed to be patched up by Jess.  How 'bout when Coach called home to tell Tami that they'd won and had a half-drunk flirty phone conversation with his half-drunk wife?  Even when Julie came crawling home after being humiliated at school by her boyfriend's wife.  That's just a partial list of the moments that the episode contained.  What will we do without this show? 

Moving back into the realm of the not-critically-acclaimed-but-still-completely-awesome, let's talk about Hellcats, shall we?  The entire episode can be summed up in three words: Marti ruins everything!  Dan is leaving town because she threw herself at him a little and then when he told her he had feelings for her and he wanted to do something about that she blew him off.  Lewis found out about Marti's indiscretion at the same time the rest of the Hellcats did because that's how Marti chose to come clean to Savannah - by telling her she was "with" Dan "physically" in front of everyone.  Gross, Marti.  Really gross.  Do I think that Savannah maybe should have cut Marti the tiniest break considering that the confession took place MOMENTS after Marti had saved her from being date-raped?  Yes.  Does that completely negate the shittiness of what Marti did?  No.  I'm not completely heartless, it was kind of sad to see Marti so distraught at the end, but I don't have too much sympathy because she brought that on herself.  She ruins everything, you guys.  EVERYTHING.

Half A Week In Reviews

Lots to catch up on. 

Glee - Ugh!  It's getting harder and harder to enjoy the show as a whole.  The producers and writers have turned it into After School Special: The Bizarro Musical.  They're shoe-horning in heavy-handed ones to grow on right and left and turning the few genuinely likable characters they have into annoying, inconsistent pains in the ass in the process. 

I dug the musical numbers, as usual, but further insistence that Puck is a bad-ass was unbearable and the bullying message was even worse.  The entire season last year dealt with bullying as a matter of course and I can understand if they want to step it up a bit in the wake of the recent gay-targeted bullying incidents, but the seriousness of the topic is all the more reason why it should be addressed with subtlety and not the way that the preachy, ham-fisted writers of this show chose.  It did a disservice to the topic, to Kurt, to the cute new boy and to the closeted meat-head bully.  Worst of all, it was less than entertaining.  Next week, I think I'll fast forward through the "story" and just watch the singing. 

One Tree Hill - To be honest with you, the stories this season are pretty boring but James Lafferty is getting a considerable amount of screen time and in case you haven't gathered from the other million times I mentioned it: I am in love with his shoulders.  Sweet Jesus, you put those things in a suit and the angles sing.  True story! 

Life Unexpected - Well, last week, about an hour after the show aired in my time zone, The CW announced that it would not order additional episodes for this season which means that the 13 episodes already purchased will very likely be the last produced.  It is a shame because on the whole I like the show but I also understand why others have found it difficult to enjoy because Lux is awful.  She's selfish, whiny, immature, petulant and a truly terrible friend.  She continues to "date" Tiny Teacher, even though the two of them agree that they need to never see each other again at least once every episode, and this week she really treated Tasha like shit. 

First, Lux uses Tasha's apartment to hook up with Tiny Teacher, thereby using her best friend and displacing her from her home to do something she knows that Tasha disapproves of and putting Tasha in the very difficult position of having to lie about it to everyone they know.  Then, Tiny Teacher takes Lux out of town on a date where he loses his wallet and misses the ferry home so the two of them have to get a hotel room which he can't pay for so Lux basically orders Tasha to pay for with the credit card Cate gave her for emergencies.  The credit card that is LINKED to Cate's account.  Lux says that when they get home Tiny Teacher will move the charge on to his account which nearly made my head explode because that's not how credit card charges work and if HE doesn't know that, then he's too stupid to teach!  Anyway, Cate naturally finds out and then Tasha takes the blame all on herself and Lux barely even says thank you!  As if she hadn't already proven herself to be the worst friend in the history of the world, she then uses Tasha's apartment to hook up with Teeny Teach AGAIN!  I hate that girl, I really do. 

In news of things that don't suck about the show - the marital problems between Cate and Ryan persist and their therapist recommends a they separate to give each other space while they work on it.  Ryan moves in with Baze which is effing awesome since I'm actually advocating for an entirely new show where Cate and Lux move away and Baze and Ryan become Tasha's foster parents.  And obviously Jones would stick around as her boyfriend.  It'd be like a My Two Dads reboot, but way better.  Also, Emma has a son who was raised by a boarding school and then a rehab facility until his dad dropped the teenager off on her doorstep this week.  Oh, and she and Baze mentioned that they are "falling" for each other. 

The Good Wife - Michael J. Fox is awesome and I always forget until I see him, how much I miss seeing him on my TV.  But what's really important to talk about is that we're being given just the smallest crumbs of information each week about how shady Blake (formerly known as Jason Street) is.  It's pretty clear that he beat up that therapist and is purposely trying to "out" Kalinda, though I don't know who would care about that.  What's really worrying me is his connection to Will.  I really don't want Will to be shady...or mixed up in something shady...basically I don't want there to be any reason for me to stop loving Will.  Other important things of note, Lilly Taylor is amazing and I adore Carey.  More screen time for Carey, please! 

Friday Night Lights - Oh my God, you guys.  Julie slept with her married TA who should have a) known better and b) really NOT.  At first glance she seems to be handling that bad idea ok but I sense a complete emotional breakdown coming.  Tami is trying to teach that red-headed Rally Ho why it is not cool to drink yourself unconscious and let boys do whatever the hell they want with you.  Essentially, Tami is trying to change Rally Ho's destiny from "prostitute" to "person with an ounce of sense."  It is an up-hill battle, let me tell you!  In her spare time, Tami gets Jess a job as the Lions' new equipment manager despite her husband's misgivings about having a girl in the locker room (about which I do not disagree with him). 

Coach, meanwhile, is working extra hard at his job of turning boys into men.  After the video of Rally Ho's drunken exploits at a party attended by several Lions whose faces clearly appear on said video, Coach lays down some rules.  It's jackets and ties on game days and regular community outreach as well as a lecture about standards of behavior and striving to be better than everyone else.  He even has to kick two particularly stupid boys of the team.  Unfortunately this all goes down the same week that Vince's father is paroled from prison and moves back in with his family, trying to act like the dad he never was.  Vince ain't having it and it's causing him to act out in some other ways as well.  That leads to a particularly powerful scene between Coach and Vince where Vince breaks down in anger about how his father failed to teach him how to be a man and Coach does exactly that with few words said with respect and love. 

Buddy has opened a Buddy's Bar & Grill which is in East Dillon and is the new headquarters for all the rallies and victory parties and general football pride that keeps Buddy's heart pumping.  But in the midst of that that joy over his involvement in the sport he loves, he finds out from Pam that Buddy Jr. is acting out and smoking pot and being a general discipline problem.  So he gets Pam to send the boy back home to Dillon to get some fatherly influences back in his life.  It might sound crazy but I think that's a good call - Buddy might be a bit of a dip shit, but he's capable of being a good man when it counts. 

And, if that's what you're in it for, you might like to know that the Lions won their second game of the season.  Sweet Pete on a platter I'm going to miss this show when it's gone. 

Hellcats - I sort of love this show but they are doing their level best to make me change my mind by forcing this Dan/Marti relationship that is interfering with the awesomeness of Dan.  It's not just because I love Savannah, though I do LOVE Savannah, it's mostly because I think Dan has always been a level-headed, stand-up guy who goes out of his way not to fuck with people's feelings and now all of a sudden he's making out with someone who isn't his girlfriend and implying that he's totally willing to dump his girlfriend if Marti wants to start something up but then going back to his girlfriend like nothing ever happened and acting weird around them both.  Dan was well on his way to being the Pacey Witter of 2010 but after last night, he seems more like Charlie Todd (I'm almost a little ashamed I was able to pull that character name out of my ass.  Almost) and I just won't stand for a transformation like that! 

High Fives, Stay-cations, Property Destruction And Josh Charles In A Tux

Don't you just love Tuesdays? 

It was Halloween on One Tree Hill last night and, as usual, the denizens of Tree Hill went all out.  There was a party at Tric (natch) that required costumes for everyone and the people who didn't hit up Tric made the trick-or-treat rounds so they had costumes too.  All those excuses for costumes made the ep a little light on plot but it was kind of fun to watch. 

Julian's mom popped in to annoy visit.  She offered to pay for the wedding but made it pretty clear to Brooke that she hates all of Brooke's ideas and plans and if she's footing the bill, they're going to do things her way.  Then she dressed up as Cruella DeVille and dressed her adult son up as a dalmatian.  That left Brooke to execute a sad "couples" costume alone - she had envisioned them going as A Clockwork Orange where he wore a big clock and she dressed like an orange.  It would not have made any sense at all even if it had happened but instead, she was just dressed as a really cute orange. 

Haley continued to work at the crisis hotline and talk to the depressed person with the cute accent.  She attended the party as herself circa senior year in high school, a.k.a a pregnant cheerleader.  At the party she spent most of the time being afraid of clowns and then heard Laura Izibor sing "Can't Be Love" and was all set to offer her a record deal or something and then Laura spoke to her in the same cute accent that the depressed girl has so now we know that depressed girl is a crazy-good singer and is very pretty. 

Nathan took Jamie and his hateful friend Chuck and some random little girl trick-or-treating.  The kids were dressed like Harry, Ron and Hermoine respectively from the Harry Potter books.  There was a scary house and Chuck got snatched but it was a prank.  No one cares.  After trick-or-treating they went home to be babysat by poor Junk who got no lines and just slept on the couch while the little monsters drew on his face.  Then Nathan headed to the party at Tric dressed as a Mad Men-type gent.  He looked so good. 

Also at the party, Mia dressed as an extremely boobalicious mermaid, Millie as Lady Gaga, and Mouth as The Situation, complete with plastic abs.  At some point Mouth and Chase get Nathan to high five Julian who is a truly hilarious moment that can not be accurately described here.  

Quinn and Clay don't attend the party and stay home and hand out candy instead.  Quinn is having a hard time moving on from the shooting.  She's having a lot of nightmares and is keeping a secret gun.  She dresses as Super Quinn which is her, with a cape on.  Clay dresses as a vampire.  That freaks Quinn out.  Clay finds the gun and convinces her to take a freelance photo assignment in another country as a way to deal with things.  

There was more story, but less fun on Life Unexpected.  After two really good episodes in a row, this one was a little blah.  Lux continued to flirt with Tiny Teacher and also be a raving bitch to him.  He continued to like her inappropriately and resist getting completely out of her life.  He forces tutoring on her while also sleeping with Paige in the loft where Lux is staying and where the walls are made of shower curtains.  Not only is that inappropriate, but it's also pretty gross and deeply awkward for them and the viewers.  He tells her that he HAS to keep tutoring her because that's the only way it's appropriate for them to be together and for him to lust after her.  Um...no!  He figures out that she has a learning disability then promptly dumps Paige and arranges for someone else to tutor Lux.  After last week when I was all relieved that someone finally squashed a student/teacher affair before it got out of control, and then this week it was once again un-squashed, I'm not falling for it again.  Well, also because I saw the previews for next week when the two are making out again.  Ugh.

In other news, Julia is Ryan's ex whom he slept with after finding out that Cate had sex with Baze.  The day before the wedding she told him she might be pregnant and then at the wedding she showed up to say she wasn't.  We all know she totally was and we've just got to wait for that to come back around either when she's going into labor or the kid has already been born.  It's a little funny to think of a family that consists of a man, a woman and their respective illegitimate bastards.  Aw! 

Oh yeah, and all of that comes out when Cate and Ryan are on their stay-cation at a new hotel where Baze just happens to be attending the company retreat in an attempt to hook up with Emma.  Emma brings a gay fake-boyfriend with her.  She says it's so that she doesn't feel like the pathetic single girl but really it's to try and make Jack jealous.  Instead it makes Baze jealous until he sees the fake boyfriend kiss another man.  The fake boyfriend, by the way, is played by the actor who once played Jack's closeted frat brother who totally wanted to get into Jack's pants on Dawson's Creek.  So he's pretty used to being a fake-straight gay guy around Kerr Smith is all I'm saying. 

Anyway, Baze accidentally tells Ryan about how Cate would have totally left Ryan at the alter if only Baze had had the balls to admit he loved her the night before the nuptials.  Then Baze and Emma make out.  Then Cate and Ryan have another fight and maybe breakup again.  Cate and Baze bond a little but that goes nowhere.  Cate and Lux bond a little.  Cate is sad. 

Next week all the adults on the show chaperon a school camping trip that leads to Lux and Tiny Teacher making out in a lake and getting caught by Tashia.  I hope it also includes Tashia getting some action of her one from Jones! 

In the spirit of saving the best for last, let's now turn our attention to The Good Wife.  Holy shit on a Triscuit, you guys, The Good Wife is so juicy! 

Someone has leaked the fact that Alicia deposed Childs so now Carey is in charge of the investigation into who it was and he's deposing Alicia while Will acts as her council.  Eli also wants to know who let that cat out of the bag and when he realizes it's bad for both Peter and Childs, he figures out that it was Justice Adler who wants to run against them both. 

Peter and Childs join forces to dig up dirty laundry on the crooked judge and then they get Diane to tell her not to run or her shit will be aired in public. 

Meanwhile, Alicia is defending a DJ in a civil suit where he's being sued for contributing to the death of some high rave-goers during a stampede.  That annoying blond country bumpkin lawyer from last season is her co-council as she's representing the security firm who is also being sued.  They lose the case but Alicia's client is ordered to pay $2 and Bumpkin's client is ordered to pay $2,999,998. 

There's some fancy-dress shindig that the partners are attending and when they end up with two extra seats at their table, they invite Alicia to bring Peter because it's somehow beneficial to them to have a disgraced politician in their midst.  Also because Will is bringing a date and Diane is pissed at him and trying to make things as awkward as possible for him and what better way than inviting the object of his affection and her husband to come sit next to him and his date? 

At the party, Judge Crooked announces that the bitchy lawyer from Childs's deposition is actually the person running against Childs and Peter.  That was an awesomely dropped bomb!  I almost didn't care about any of it because Josh Charles was wearing a tux and flirting with his date, Elizabeth Reaser.  His natural hotness is amplified exponentially when dressed in a tux and flirting.  I can't comprehend how Alicia didn't take one look at him and dive across the table to rip his clothes off and kiss him passionately. 

And finally, Kalinda continued her investigation of her new arch nemesis, Jason Street.  She busted all the windows in his rental car, poked through his papers, kissed his rear view mirror and was generally bad-ass.  Then the two had an encounter in a parking garage where they stood really close to each other and verbally sparred with each other while she fondled his junk. 

A.  Ma.  Zing!