Dear Diary, Today I cried and cried.

There were two reasons I stopped recapping The Vampire Diaries last season - the first is that I got a lot busier at work which made me less anxious to spend my free time trying to be witty. Being witty is exhausting. The second is that I wasn't enjoying the show enough to spend several hours rewatching and dissecting it. There were still episodes I outright loved last year but on the whole I found the third season by turns boring and irritating.

I loved the shit out of the way it ended though and I was looking forward to how a vamped Elena would spice things up and inject some much-needed badassery into the snoozy proceedings. The fourth season got off to a pretty good start and when everyone - literally EVERYONE - got a chance to be a badass in "Memorial" I thought the show had really gotten back to what made me love it in the first place.

But then things took a turn for the...well, whatever the opposite of badass is. Vamped Elena isn't fun and the continued fight over which Salvatore brother loves her more and is better at being her knight in shining armour is not interesting. 

It isn't interesting when one character is all, "I got this" while eveyrone else on the show has to sit around like helpless, ignorant, baddy-fodder with their thumbs up their asses. Or when Damon and Stefan threaten to kill each other over a girl. Or when Stefan and Damon treat Elena like a helpless kitten they must protect. It really isn't interesting when Elena whines.

You know what would be interesting? If TVD were never about how Elena needed to be saved, rescued, protected, looked after, tended to or otherwise treated as a damsel in distress. If every single person on the show didn't prioritize what's best for Elena above literally everything else. If it weren't always about which Salvatore knows better what's best for her.

I'd find it very interesting if everyone on the show got a chance to be a badass. To fight, to scheme, to be smart, to work together and know what the fuck was going on, and to save themselves and each other. If the Salvatores cared enough about Elena to let her take care of herself and make her own choices and be a strong, adult woman and then respected the choices she made rather than ignoring her decisions and substituting their own poor judgement instead.

I'd be very interested in a lot less whining.

I'd be interested in our whole Gang of Misfit Danger Magnets being looped into this "cure" business and then kicking back over several drinks in the Salvatore library to discuss how this is probably just like The Sun and Moon Curse and asking snarkily if anyone's checked the silverware drawers for the sword that holds the key to busting this secret wide open. And then, if they decide they're willing to risk their lives on the chance that this cure exists, they do it because EVERY ONE OF THE FUCKING VAMPIRES whats a chance to be human again and not because poor little Elena got the fuzzy end of the vampire lolly pop and who gives a shit how vampirism has screwed up anyone else's plans.

Nothing would interest me more than Elena putting on her big-girl pants and telling Stefan to take his chauvinism, his condescension, his sanctimony and his misplaced savior complex and worry about himself because she's got this. Then telling Damon to focus his energies on not threatening to kill everyone she loves instead of making sex eyes at her all the time. I'd watch those scenes on repeat forever just to erase the memory of her pathetic hissyfit over killing Connor. The Vamp Elena I'd like to see is the one who puts her game face on and is ready to protect herself and the people she loves at all costs and refuses to apologize for the casualties when she's pushed too far. Human Elena had it in her, why doesn't Vamp Elena?

I hope the show starts to be a little less about the complicated plot and how the characters' personalities can be stamped down to fit into the narrative and a little more about how a group of badass people can handle their shit if they're given half a chance because I'd hate to fall completely out of love with this show.

Fall TV 2012

It's time once again to decide what to care about this coming fall TV season. There are a few shows I'm excited about this year but everything is going to have to try hard to get my mind off of some of the outstanding shows this summer offered. 

Here's how my fall schedule will look. 

Monday

Partners (CBS)
With a cast this charming, I have to give it a try. It hasn't gotten great reviews but I don't have a lot going on on Mondays so it pretty much only has to be mediocre and it's in. 

Switched At Birth (ABC Family)
I know people think that because this show is on ABC Family it's slight or fluffy or a guilty pleasure but it isn't. It is a genuinely good show with a talented cast and great writing that deals with deafness in the most beautiful, natural, respectful way. The silent fights are some of my favorite scenes on TV. And with the terrible breakup of the Bay/Emmett relationship, the second season promises to be another amazing emotional journey.

Hawaii Five-0 (CBS) 
Why do I watch this show? A police procedural in a pretty setting with one of the top five bromances on TV. And sometimes the good looking dudes take their shirts off. 

Tuesday

Hart of Dixie (The CW)
As charming and fun as this show was in its first season, I didn't really expect it to get a second. Now that it has, I hope they do something more interesting with George than making him the awkward third side in two different love triangles. More importantly, I hope they don't spend another season pretending Zoe wants him like she wants Wade when it is clear to everyone in the world that she really doesn't. 

Emily Owens, M.D. (The CW)
Mamie Gummer deserves to be a big star but I don't think this is the show that's going to do that for her but I'll watch it just in case her considerable talent makes an otherwise mediocre show somehow great. But when it's cancelled, I can't wait to have her back on The Good Wife. 

Don't Trust The Bitch in Apt. 23 (ABC)
Despite the incredibly stupid name, it's a sort of decent show. James van der Beek is pretty funny and likable as a douchey James van der Beek, Krysten Ritter is fun when she's being terrible and Dreama Walker is much funny enough that I'm going to give the second season a few episodes to see if the show will really start to click for me. 

New Girl (Fox)
If you didn't watch this show last season, go to Hulu right now and watch the episode entitled "Fancyman Part I" right now. Seriously. I'll wait. Ok, now that you've watched that episode you should be as in love with the show as I am and setting your DVR for season 2. 

The Mindy Project (Fox)
I want to like this show but after the pilot I'm only luke-warm on it. There's potential so I'm hopeful that it will find its footing and become the perfect, charming lead out for New Girl. 

Parenthood (NBC)
Having just watched the first three seasons of Parenthood I am deeply in love with the Bravermans, the show and the cast. The greatest compliment I can give this show is that it gets the feeling of being part of a family right. It is effecting in all of the small ways that become huge when they're brought together. 

Wednesday

Arrow (The CW) 
I don't think I'm interested in this show but it has received such good notice from enough of the critics I trust that I'm going to watch it because I'd rather discover that I really like a show I didn't want to watch, that to be disappointed by a show I did want to watch. And if I do like it that means Katie Cassidy in my life every week. What could be better than that? 

Suburgatory (ABC)
Suburgatory might be funnier than Modern Family. No, scratch that. Suburgatory is funnier than Modern Family. Cheryl Hines and Alan Tudyk are the best things about this show and just in general.

Nashville (ABC)
Connie Britton playing a country music singer who's star is being eclipsed by a Taylor Swift-esque ingenue played by Hayden Panettiere. Why wouldn't I want to watch this show? Why wouldn't everyone in the world want to watch this show? 

Chicago Fire (NBC)
I want this show to be the E.R. of fire fighting but we all know that's not what this show will be. It will be terrible and generic and I will watch all of the episodes because Taylor Kinney and Jesse Spencer are in it and I'm incredibly shallow. 

Thursday

The Big Bang Theory (CBS)
It's a funny sitcom. It just is. 

The Vampire Diaries (The CW)
I wasn't in love with the 3rd season but I am in love with how it ended. Vampire Elena opens a world of amazing possibilities and I can't wait to see where they take it from here. But once again I start the season with this important message for the writers, do not kill Caroline or Matt or we're through. 

Last Resort (ABC)
Scott Speedman is back on TV every week. It's like a decade of wishing finally made it so. Added incentive: Autumn Reeser, Dichen Lachman, Jessy Schram and Andre Braugher. The fact that it's a Shawn Ryan show means there's slim chance of longevity but one of his shows is bound to catch on with a wide enough audience some day, right? That's just the law of averages. Maybe this will be the one. 

Up All Night (NBC)
With a funny, likable cast it seems like this show should be a no-brainer but it's actually kind of forgettable. I'll keep watching though because of the funny and likable cast. 

Parks and Recreation (NBC) 
Yes! You can't not Knope.

Scandal (ABC)
Like a perfect blend of The West Wing and early Grey's Anatomy which are two shows that you wouldn't think could be blended into something awesome but then you watch Scandal and you realize that the blend is exactly what your Thursday night has always needed. Seriously you guys, WHO IS QUINN?!

Friday

Nikita (The CW)
This show. I can't explain it. It shouldn't even be good because we already had an Alias and...I don't know. It's good. There's a central couple that's just, together. Like, for a season and a half they're a couple and they stay a couple and it's no big deal. There's a computer nerd who is bad ass when the shit goes down. Last season the will-they-or-won't-they of the Alex/Sean relationship had me screaming "ohmygod MAKE OUT" so often I got strange looks from my neighbors. And this season, Devon Sawa is a series regular. OWEN! God, I'm excited for this damn show!

Sunday

Once Upon a Time (ABC)
I marathoned this one over the summer and it turns out that it's surprisingly engrossing. The casting is amazing and will include Teen Wolf's Sinqua Walls and Michael Raymond-James in the second season. If Sebastian Stan returns as Jefferson/The Mad Hatter, I will have no complaints. 

Revenge (ABC)
I'm not going to insult you by pretending I have to explain why I like this show. We all know why this show is great. What I will do is point out that JR Bourne has been cast in the second season. Casting hot dudes from Teen Wolf? That's the kind of show-running that deserves my adoration.

The Good Wife (CBS)
I have two words for you: Kalinda's. Husband. BOOM! 

666 Park Avenue (ABC)
Terry O'Quinn and Venessa Williams as a married couple who may or may not be Mr. and Mrs. Satan? Yeah, like I'm not gonna watch THAT. 


What will you be watching? 

Double Dating The Enemy

I would like to start this Vampire Diaries recap off in a thoughtful and interesting way but I can't because all I can think about is Elijah. His return is so perfect I can barely form coherent thoughts. 

Previously: Lots of stuff happened and Elijah was the dreamiest. 

Picking up where we left off last week, with Klaus coming face to face with his big brother. Klaus is like "buh...wha?" and Elijah guesses that means he owes his current non-deadness to someone else. Never one to mince words, Elijah goes ahead and gives his bro a well-deserved beat down. Klaus gets his Christian Bale as Batman voice on and is like "I know I double-crossed you, daggered your dapper ass and then stuck you in a box for a while but seriously? I just had this house renovated so TAKE IT EASY, wouldja?" Elijah thinks maybe not. Fight, wrestle, fight. Klaus opens a coffin, rips the dagger out of the chest of a cute young Original and threatens to send Elijah back to sleepy town. Elijah is like "yes, good! I'll go back to being dead and you and Kol can catch up instead." Klaus looks over at Kol and clearly changes his mind so, I mean, Kol is either bat shit bonkers or has the biggest of all bones to pick with Klaus. Either way, I can already tell I'm going to like Kol.

So Klaus takes a different tack. He starts to tell Elijah that he has a great plan for putting the whole family back together again if he can just get his locked coffin back and destroy Stefan. Elijah, clearly unaware of how long Klaus had all the coffins in his possession and made no move toward a family reunion, pauses to hear his brother out. Klaus also takes this opportunity to lift the unsecured lid off of a tiny medal urn sitting on a small table near the coffins. In a room the two of them were throwing and crashing around in moments ago. He dips the tip of the dagger into the urn letting us all know that it's obviously full of white oak ash, then carefully redaggers Kol. Man, Klaus is soap dishing the HELL out of white oak ash storage, isn't he?

Gilbert's House of Hangovers. Alaric apparently drunk dialed Meredith and, I'll be honest, I'm pretty surprised that drunk dialing hasn't been a problem for Alaric before. Or, I guess maybe Damon is used to it so he just doesn't make an issue out of it anymore? No time to dissect this as Sheriff Liz is at the door. She's come to talk to them about the stake that was used to kill the coroner. It's from the Gilbert's permanent collection from up at the cabin. It has only one set of prints on it and they belong to Elena. Uh oh. They all puzzle a bit about who would know where they keep all the vamp fighting tools and why that person would want it to look like Elena killed someone while I spend a little time thinking about why the Sheriff's office has Elena's fingerprints on file.

Alaric and Elena call Damon and give him the skinny. Damon suggests they interrogate Dr. Fell and Ric tells him to screw off. Damon's sure it's her, Elena is sure it isn't on the grounds that his "luck with women" can't possibly be that tragic. Elena, you could not be more wrong about his luck with women. But yeah, I don't think she did it either. But if not her, whom? Alaric says he's got weapons in all sorts of places that are really important - the house, the apartment, the cabin, the school, Damon's car. So theoretically anyone could happen to find the weapons but who actually knows where they are to begin with? Elena supposes it could be Stefan. Oh hey, speaking of tragic. Damon has to run, Ric wants to know where he is and what he's doing (too needy, Ric. Way too needy), Damon has a date.

It seems that when he removed the dagger from Elijah's chest, he replaced it with a note. I like you. Do you like me? If yes, please meet me in the pretty meadow. xoxo, Damon. Damon and I both take notice of Elijah's new haircut and we both get a little swoony. You guys, there may come a point where he's so dreamy I will lose the ability to write anything but his name. I'm just warning you now. They discuss how Damon wants to kill Klaus and Damon asks Elijah what's in the locked coffin. We don't get to find out if Elijah answers but it doesn't matter because he totally doesn't know.

Damon hid the Mystery Box in those Original caves that vamps can't get into and now Stefan has brought Bonnie and Deadbeat to open it. Deadbeat is unsure about this whole business, Stefan isn't in the mood for any back talk.

Elena stops by the caves for a visit. "Hi, how are you? What's new? Did you kill the medical examiner?" Stefan has never been so insulted. Not just because she would accuse him of such a thing, but because she didn't accuse Damon of it too. Paul Wesley's face in that moment...I can't even. I hardly know whether to laugh or cry he's just so perfect and mad and hurt and bitter and right and wrong all at the same time. It's good stuff.

Caroline is at the hospital to visit her dad and runs into Dr. Fell who is pissed at how ungratefully Bill has been about how she saved his life with the help of some vampire blood. I'm having really strong "WHATEVER, Meredith!" feelings about her right now. Elena shows up at the hospital and the girls find Bill lying in a storage closet, dead from some slashy, stabby wounds.

So now the three main plots of this episode are set up for us and here's where I cut over to the skimmy variety recap because I'm way behind and I would like to get this one done before the next one airs in any time zone.

Bonnie and Deadbeat have some trouble but then Deadbeat figures out that a drawing in the grimoire means that it just takes two generations of witches to unbind what's been bound. Mystery coffin open, contents on the loose. Oh yeah, and those contents totally knocked Bonnie and Deadbeat unconscious on the way out of the caves.

Bill was killed by one of Alaric's knives while he was full of vampire blood and there is nothing he wants less than to be a vampire so he's decided that he will not complete his transition which will, of course, kill him forever. Liz and Caroline spend his last evening with him.

It's incredibly agonizing for Caroline who wants to force him to feed because she can't bear the thought of losing her dad forever but Elena is like, "all he has now is his choice." A nice, accurate sentiment that Dr. Kevorkian and I whole heartedly support but she may not be the best person to make it considering she's been on the instigating end of more than one choice-removing, mind-altering compulsionization. On the other hand, if you've ever known an 18 year old, you know that they can usually rationalize anything so it's not really a stretch for me to believe that she can think she's completely right about both things at the same time.

Caroline and Elena briefly consider the possibility that Tyler is the murderer because - sire bond, blahdy bloo. There is almost no one on this show who doesn't hear someone's been killed and totally think their current squeeze might have done it. How awesome-slash-terrible is that?

Matt comes over to comfort Caroline in her dark time, because he's awesome. Caroline has a lovely final moment with her dad which makes me cry because Caroline always makes me cry. Bill dies.

Elena tells Alaric that another council member was bumped off using one of their weapons and they take inventory. ME was killed with a stake from Damon's car. Bill was done in with a knife kept in a crawl space at the Gilbert house. I can understand that a person with vague knowledge of the group and their hobbies might know to look in Damon's car for a weapon, but the crawl space? This has to be an inside job.

Matt walks Elena home where the two of them find a blood trail leading to a stabbed Alaric. He doesn't know who attacked him and whether they were human or supernatural so they can't wait for him to die. The supernatural doppelganger has to kill him now so they can be sure he doesn't die. Elena stabs him in the heart. Matt and Elena have a good talk while they wait for Ric to un-die. He gasps back to life.

Since we know who couldn't have stabbed Alaric - Elena, Bill, Liz, Caroline, Klaus, Elijah (as if he'd use a weapon - so pedestrian!), Damon, Stefan, Bonnie, and Deadbeat - and the person who did it seems to have had more than just a passing knowledge of where the good weapons are kept, I think Jamie, Mrs. Lockwood, and random werepire minions can safely be ruled out. That leaves a short list of well-loved people who are the most likely culprits. I think it's Jeremy. I think that Klaus found him and over-ruled the Denver compulsion, having him hide out in town and do some of his more horrifying bidding. The thing is, not only is that reasonably plausible, it would make one hell of a fucking reveal and the fall-out could be mined for story six ways to Sunday.

And the main course of the episode: The Double Date. Elijah and Klaus and Damon and Stefan come together to have dinner, play footsie, and talk about their hopes, dreams, desires, and plans for world domination.

Stefan's like, "I don't want any part of this. You were a terrible boyfriend and I'm not ever taking you back no matter how much you beg." Klaus is who he is and he can't change for anyone. Not even Stefan. "We can sit and eat or I can reach down your throats and pull out your insides. The choice is yours," Klaus says. 

Klaus shoots flirty looks across the table at Stefan. Stefan pouts. Damon asks his brother to stop being a grump. Stefan fake smiles. Klaus feels a stirring in his loins. He asks Damon if this is just the evening he had envisioned when he un-killed Elijah. Damon's like "yes, I thought we'd dress up, have dinner, talk about how much we hate you, and make eyes at each other. WINK!" Elijah blushes. Stefan asks if Klaus is still scared of his little sister and Klaus is like "stop being subtle, lover. I already told Elijah that I killed our dad and our mom. He knows my shit, you can't get me in trouble." Damon continues trying to defuse the situation, "Hey Stef, remember when you killed dad? Might want to dial down the judgment." I'm not going to lie, that's an excellent burn.

Eiljah's been in a box for a while so he's a little behind on the relationship dramas and asks Stefan how Elena is. Klaus giggles and fills him in. Stefan and Klaus have breakup eye sex across the table. Klaus giggles some more.

Damon feels left out so he begs for a story. Elijah and Klaus tell the Salvatores about Tatia Petrova whom they fought over when they were just silly humans. Dirty tramp, unwed mom, all the boys wanted a piece, Klaus and Elijah loved her the mostest and Mommy O did not like her boys fighting so she used Katia's blood to turn her kids into vampires. As you do. They were estranged for a while but then their family bond brought them back together. That story does, I suppose, offer some reasonable explanation as to why Petrova blood is the key to, like, everything, but at a dinner full to the brim with ho-yay, it was by far the snooze of the evening.

Damon figures that since that story brought the romance of the night to a screeching halt, they might as well get down to brass tacks. They'll give Klaus the coffin if he'll take his family and leave Mystic Falls, Elena and the Salvatores forever. Klaus isn't having it because without Elena, he's puppyless forever. Klaus makes Damon sad so he steps out and Elijah follows to make sure his little snookums is ok. Klaus eats a waitress and offers Stefan another.

Damon comes back in and lays it down - decision time. Klaus would rather have everything his way and roast Stefan like a marshmallow. He thinks Elena and Matt should get married and have babies. Klaus wants his future kibble to have Matt's eyes. I can't blame him. Damon and Elijah leave to "get the coffin" but return moments later. Klaus wants to know what's up and Elijah unleashes the kids. Klaus sees Kol and shits himself. Finn comes out of nowhere and daggers Klaus in the hand. Bekah pops up and daggers him in the gut, for their mother. Elijah dismisses Stefan and Damon so that they can deal with "family business." My lady parts burst into flames.

Beautiful brotherly moment for Stefan and Damon where they both admit they love her. Neither bothers to mention that they love each other more but they don't really have to. We know.

The Family Original discusses how they're going to leave Klaus alone and turn him into a miserable poop like Mikel. Klaus throws a flailing temper tantrum. Mommy O walks in. Everyone gapes. Klaus cries. He thinks she's there to kill him but instead she forgives him. That's exactly the kind of wooly-headed liberal parenting that leads to a kid who kills everyone when things don't go his way. Also to being eaten. Just saying.

Obedience School

I don't want to jinx anything but the back half of The Vampire Diaries' third season has been crazy-good. We're back to that place where a ton of crap happens and while most of it is obviously a set up for something else, none of it feels like we're just biding time (which was how the first half of the season felt to me). But terrific episodes doesn't necessarily mean I'm able to make time to recap them so once again, I've fallen behind and I'm going to need to make this more of a skimming summary than a proper recap. Mea culpa. 


Previously, on The Vampire Diaries: Stefan took Klaus's Originals Collectible Box Set which made Klaus angry. Tyler had a sire bond to Klaus that was stronger than his love for Caroline. 


Presently, in Mystic Falls and parts adjacent: 


Tyler feels really bad about that time he almost killed Caroline with wererabies so he's asked her dad for a little aversion therapy and he's invited Caroline to come and watch. Bill informs Tyler that since Klaus's power over him is based on Tyler's overwhelming feelings of gratitude for never having to go through the pain of changing again, what he needs to do to break the sire bond is force himself to change over and over again until he owns the pain and doesn't fear it anymore. So they chain him up and stand around while he screams in agony. 


Caroline can't keep watching her boyfriend suffer this way so she calls for a time out and her dad tells her to nut up and shut up. Tyler also asks her to scram. She scrams. Then Bill gets right up in the werepire's face all "get angry you mangy mongrel or I'll kill you!" To which Tyler replies "oh, ok." Then busts out of his chains and attacks Bill. Caesar Millan just sits at home, shaking his head disappointedly. 


Bonnie has had some dreams that lead her to believe that her deadbeat mom is the key to opening the locked coffin which they've long suspected contains the "key" to killing Klaus. I mean, the new key; the latest key; the most recent in a string of "last chance" keys to killing Klaus that they find every time the previous key fails to work as promised. Bonnie tells Elena all about the coffins and then the two of them (with the help of the Sheriff and Damon) track down Deadbeat Bennett and go to see her, with Stefan hot on their trail. 

Turns out Deadbeat Bennett didn't come back to Mystic Falls to parent her daughter because she was busy parenting the abandoned son of her ex-boyfriend. Deadbeat explains why she left: a long time ago, Mikel came to town looking for a doppelganger and Elena's mom was trying to keep her daughter's supernatural identity on the down low so she asked her BFF to help. Deadbeat did just that but whipping a little mojo at Mikel and magically sealing him in a tomb. That spell used up all the magic she had and left her bereft of mojo so naturally she had to leave town, you know how it is, right? Right? No, me either. 


Bonnie's like "you abandoned me, raised another kid as if he was your own and YOU HAVE NO MAGIC? You are such a disappointment!" But Deadbeat insists that just because she doesn't have magic doesn't mean she...can't do magic things. Then she drugs Bonnie with some kind of juju powder. So, real quick, if a witch who lost her powers can whip up effective magic potions, does that mean non-witches can also get in on the potion game? I'm confused about what exactly being a witch entails on this show. Anyway, it turns out that Klaus sent that one hybrid who looks like the love child of a young Jamie Kennedy and a sober Nick Carter over in advance of Bonnie's arrival to compel Deadbeat and her non-son, Jamie, to do some of Klaus's dirty work for him. 

Deadbeat takes Bonnie on a road trip and Jamie ties Elena up in the...barn? Well he ties her up and he shoots Stefan full of wooden buckshot. When Deadbeat rendezvous with Nick Kennedy, she explains to Bon that they have to tell where the coffins are or Jamie will have to kill himself. She insists that they do it but slyly texts Bon to tell her to warn the gang. 


Elena frees herself from her bindings, knocks Jamie out, and then digs the bits of wood out of her ex-boyfriend's chest. They take this opportunity to catch up. Stefan notices she's kind of badass now and he digs it. She demonstrates that while she's tough and shit, she's still a total girl about relationshipy things and tells him that she kissed his brother. He pouts the pout of a person who REALLY cares about this development. And then walks away, sadly. Hi, Old Stefan! She follows after and he apologizes for some of the crap he's pulled recently. He mentions that she's too good for the brothers Salvatore and takes his leave. 


Deadbeat and Bonnie have a nice moment where Deadbeat wants to be forgiven and Bonnie might want to forgive her. I sense tragedy in store. 


Meanwhile, Alaric is making sex eyes at Meredith and Damon is concerned that the good doctor might be a vicious killer and he's really protective of his boyfriend so he steps in to try and ascertain whether or not Meredith can be trusted. Damon goes to the hospital where he's all "don't break my boyfriend's heart, crazy doctor lady! He's a delicate flower." They argue and she vervains him and then steals some of his blood.


Damon goes back to Ric's apartment-turned-gym and tells his little muffin man that the new girl is a grade A loony toon. Alaric is disappointed that his taste in women just keeps getting more and more tragic. His hair is super poufy right now, you guys. The hair math clearly shows that he really likes Meredith. Damon's right to worry about Ric, he is a delicate flower. 


At the hospital, Meredith injects Damon's pilfered blood into Bill to heal him up after his animal attack which is just cute. Every time a vampire kills someone they call it an animal attack and when an actual (albeit supernatural) animal attack nearly kills a guy, they use vampire blood to make it go away. 


Doc Fell tells Ric she isn't nuts and Ric believes her because his hair looks totally fine right now and he just wants to be happy again. He takes Meredith to the Gilbert house to show her all his vamp-killing toys. Kinky. Elena gets home and catches them making out in the living room. His hair looks terrible. Awe. Good for you, Ric! 


Tyler stops by the hospital to see Bill. "Sorry for using you like a chew toy," Tyler tells him, but he doesn't feel good about Bill's plan to do it all again tomorrow. 


Damon, having gotten the bat signal that Bonnie sent up, is met at The House of Angry Witches by Klaus. Klaus throws a little lip around which the dead witches don't appreciate so they torture him mystically for a minute while Damon enjoys not being on the receiving end of their wrath for once. There are threats and then politenesses and the witches lift the veil of invisibility to reveal just three coffins. Klaus is not happy. Damon explains, "I didn't have much time, but I had just enough to move your mystery box. Neener neener." Ever the romantic, Klaus offers to tear him limb from limb, writhing mass of flesh, blah blah blah. Damon let's Klaus down easy, "you're cute and all, you're just not my type. I like damaged humans like Alaric, and GQ BAMFs like Elijah. Sorry." But he gets right up in Klaus's face for this exchange, just to give him a little thrill so it's not like he's totally heartless.

Stefan gets home and gets the skinny on the fate of the coffins from Damon. Then Stefan clocks his brother hard across the face and Damon's like "oh, yeah, the kissing thing. Fun. But before we get into all of that, I wanted to show you the cute little dagger I brought back from the House of Coffins with me." Stefan's eyes bug a little and this is where I screamed "OMIGOD, ELIJAH!!!" 

Klaus and Nick Kennedy are loading the coffins back into his newly refurbished fancy mansion and Klaus is pouting about how much he doesn't like it when things don't go his way. 

That's when Elijah stops in to rip Nick's heart out through his back. Klaus appears to wet his pants. I squeal in delight. Fin.

A Funeral Wish. A Birthday Kiss

Since I failed to recap the two previous episodes of The Vampire Diaries, I have to start by saying that while I wasn't a huge fan of the winter finale, the last two episodes back have been outstanding. Now, without further ado, lets talk about "Our Town," shall we? 


We begin where all good shows should - with a hot guy in the shower. Damon looks pleased with himself as he rinses and, judging by the smile, recalls his recent smooch with Elena. Post-shower, he prances around his room in a towel. It is truly the pranciest prance I've ever seen. Damon is a world champion prancer. 


Meanwhile, Elena hangs out in Alaric's apartment kicking the shit out of a heavy bag. Remember when Buffy would work out in the library or the Magic Shop and her tiny little SMG fists would hit the heavy bag like a mosquito hitting the windshield of a moving vehicle? Well when Elena works out, that bag knows she means business. It's pretty awesome. 


Anyway, Elena and Alaric talk about how Jeremy is fixin' to leave town per the request the two of them cooked up and had Damon plant in his very pretty head. Then Elena forgets how to be subtle and is all "how many times can I make weird eyes and say Damon's name before you catch on to my double meaning?" Ric thinks it's going to be a few more times. All his deaths have made him impervious to extreme obviousness. 


Damon and Stefan meet up with Bonnie at The House of the Witchy Mojo where she's trying to talk the Original Mystery Coffin into opening up and revealing the prize inside. I think Grams died before she could teach Bonnie that "please" is the magic word - seriously, has anyone just asked the damn thing nicely yet? The Salvatores find a hybrid skulking around so Stefan makes sexy eyes at him while Damon rips his heart out through his back. 


Over at Mystic Falls High, Elena and Bonnie meet up to decorate Caroline's locker for her birthday. Elena tells Bon that she is sending Jeremy away. Bonnie is pissed. 


Back at Stefan's House of Dead Stuff, Damon is trying to beat the Mystery Box O' Corpse open with a shovel. Damon does some Original Math to help me with my extreme confusion (Elijah, two additional siblings, and the Mystery Box Of It's Anyone's Guess) and then they reenact the first season for us with Stefan playing the role of Damon and vice versa. This time Stefan is the one who wants to kill things until he gets what his way and Damon is the one who wants to lay low and play it safe and not rock the boat. This current version of Stefan is my favorite - I like that he remembers his feelings and he still feels them deep down but he just isn't letting himself care. It's like he's season one Stefan minus the brooding with extra badassery and way more smirking and snarking. So Stefan wants to call Klaus's bluff and Damon strenuously wants to not. 


Back at school, Bonnie is saying goodbye to Jeremy and dropping some fairly giant hints about how it isn't his idea even though he thinks it is. Jeremy is too hot to leave town. Denver is not ready for the kind of other-worldly beauty that resides in Mystic falls. You can't just unleash that shit on an unsuspecting city. There will be riots and swooning epidemics. The air in Denver is thin, swooning could be fatal. THINK OF THE CHILDREN! 


Caroline arrives at school and is very sad. Tyler catches her and wants to talk. She's mad at him for his most recent transgression of nearly getting Jeremy killed and wants to know what he plans to do about this sire bond bullshit. Tyler tells her that there's nothing he CAN do so he's just not going to try. They have a nice, sad breakup moment. He gives her a small gift, wishes her happy birthday and walks away. She tears up as she opens the bag and finds a charm bracelet. I'm going to be so sad when Tyler has to die, you guys, but we all see that that's the direction we're heading in, right? 

House of Klaus. Special K is sipping liquor and gazing at his sister's deadness while pouting about how much he does not like to be beaten by his former flunky. Stefan stops in to flirt with his ex-brofriend. Ultimatum, hurt feelings, sexual tension, close talking, ultimatum, quip, quip, flirt, flirt, flirt, flirt, FLIRT, hoyay interuptus, hybrid decapitation, aaaaaannnnnddddd scene. I've never wanted Stefan more. Neither has Klaus. I can dig it. 


After a short break to allow the audience to smoke a cigarette and take a cold shower, Caroline arrives home and is greeted by Elena, Bonnie, and Matt, in the cutest party hats of all time, jumping out to wish her happy birthday. Elena puts a tiara on Caroline and now part of me wishes THAT was the object that Bonnie had slapped the SPF spell on because if anyone could get away with wearing a purple fuzz-trimmed tiara around town every day, it's Caroline. Bonnie tells her their plan to take Care to The Falls and have s'mores ("and tequiiiillllaaa," Matt helpfully and ADORABLY adds), but Caroline isn't into it. She doesn't feel like celebrating a birthday when she isn't ever going to get any older. Elena exercises her newfound "thinking on her feet" muscle and concocts a plan B. 

At the House of Klaus, a minion is tidying up the headless carnage Stefan left lying around when Tyler drops in wondering why he was summoned. Klaus explains that since his ex-brofriend broke up with him, he needs Tyler to fill that whole in his heart. It'll be an empty, meaningless relationship but it's better than killing alone. Tyler would prefer one of the other minions take care of this task because he's super busy wallowing in his own post-breakup self-pity. Klaus wants what he wants and what he wants is for Tyler to be a good puppy and kill Caroline. Tyler tries to get out of the task by arguing, then by trying to reason with his sire, and finally with some of that close-talking Klaus likes so much. Klaus acquiesces and allows Tyler to take his leave but he smirks when he watches Tyler leave so you know this isn't really the end of it. He can't let TWO of his boy toys sass him in the same day without consequences. 


Over at the Founders Soiree of the Week, Ric is getting an update on the current state of affairs from Damon. When Ric asks if Stefan's humanity is "on or off," Damon says that his brother seems to be working with more of a "dimmer switch" which is an analogy I love so hard. They argue in that way they always do before they make out (shut up, in my head, that's what they do off screen after every one of these little quarrels), and then they mosey into the shindig. 

Out in the woods, Elena welcomes her friends to a crypt for the Plan B Birthday Funeral. Birthdays are so last year, what Caroline needs to do is celebrate her deadness. They talk about all the stuff that Caroline is, then Bonnie lights the 18 candles on the tiny little cake with her mind and Caroline makes a wish. Other than the fact that it's a funeral for a vampire in a crypt, this scene is so full of normal teenager friendiness that it makes my heart ache for all the stuff these kids' lives should be but aren't. It also fills me with joy for all the ways they stick together to let each other still be teenagers sometimes. 

Founders festivities in full swing. Alaric asks Damon what's up with Elena over and above what's always up with Elena. Damon says it's Stefan but Alaric doesn't look convinced. Damon is all Man Of The House announcing his plans to "get a drink, write a check, and then we're out." I love it when their relationship goes all Big Strong Provider and The Little Woman on us. I would sacrifice a goat to get just one scene of Damon opening a car door for Ric. 


With Damon gone, Pretty Dr. Fell pounces on the newly available Alaric who makes with the flirty. She tells him she knows about vampires and then tells him how she was dumped on the Bridge of Death. Alaric brags about how his brofriend is "loaded" and Dr. Fell mentions that "some British guy" is also forking over a boatload of dough. The camera lovingly caresses Alaric's worried but really handsome face, as he wonders what British guy. 


Elsewhere in the party, Klaus is making nice with Carol Lockwood when Damon stops by to challenge Klaus to a pissing contest. Damon tinkles: "he ruined your son's life." Klaus sprinkles: "that full moon business was SO HARD, I saved the poor chap from the horror of it all." Carol mentions how Klaus promised to protect Mystic Falls from harm if she just does what he tells her to do. Damon dribbles: "there'd be no need for protection if he and his hybrids went bye bye." Klaus piddles: "and if your brother gave me back my dead things, I'd kennel the puppies." Carol begs Damon to reign Stefan in so the Council doesn't have to intervene. Damon pees: "squint!" Klaus pisses: "come on, mate. Give peace a chance. GRIN!" Klaus takes his toity trophy and mingles with the nameless, faceless townsfolk. 


Crypt of Tequila and Cake. Caroline texts Tyler and Matt looks sad. Elena scolds and then Bonnie bitches. The tension skyrockets when Bon turns the birthday dirge into a chorus of "stop trying to make my ex-boyfriend leave town." Matt has my back with a well-timed, "you know, you guys are ruining a perfectly good funeral!" If you can't understand why I love Matt the most, I can't explain it to you any better than that. 

Damon is licking his wounds and complaining to the sheriff about what a meanie-pants Klaus is. Liz takes Damon's side but scolds him for playing party games that could end with many of the town's citizens all covered in pee. I really need to divorce myself from this metaphor now. Urine, you're out! (I apologize, that was uncalled for.)  Liz wants Stefan to back off and thinks Damon can make that happen. 

Dr. Fell is arguing with the medical examiner about something that she's doing that could ruin her career. Alaric intervenes and the scrawny ME is all "bitches be crazy!" Alaric threatens him. Dr. Fell takes her leave. Alaric flirts and looks SO DREAMY. 


Stefan arrives, commandeering the giant knife someone left on a table. Sure, why not. He follows a hybrid who looks like a younger, taller, cuter Jamie Kennedy upstairs and stabs him in the gut. Before he can remove his head, Damon swoops in and tells him to keep his decapitations to a minimum at town events. Stefan wants to hold up his end of the ultimatum and Damon employs reason to try and talk his brother out of it. I can't believe I said it either. It's a world gone mad. Damon reminds his brother that as long as Klaus is around and hell bent on hybrid minions, Elena is his human juice box. Stefan claims he doesn't care about Elena now that he's no longer compelled to do so. Stefan calls him on his bullshit. Damon insists that if Stefan wants to beat the villain, he needs to be smarter. Stefan argues that he just needs to be a better villain. I'm sad to discover Stefan thinks "smarter" and "better villain" could be mutually exclusive. This is exactly why they need Elijah - he had so much left to teach them! 


Out in the crypt, Matt, Elena and Caroline are drunkenly giggling when Tyler arrives. Matt immediately stands and flexes his protective muscle (DIRTY!). Caroline insists it's fine and goes outside with Tyler to talk. I know that Matt's the one who broke up with Caroline but it still breaks my heart when she's all girlfriendy with Tyler right in front of him. Elena's too, which is why she hands him the tequila and asks if he's alright. He takes a swig and tells her he just wants Caroline to be happy. In fact, he just wants all of his friends and their buckets of supernatural crazy to be happy. This conversation really emphasizes his last human standing status, it's exciting and sad and beautiful at once. Sometimes this show is perfect and this is one of those times. 


Elena admits that she shouldn't have inflicted compulsion on her brother but she didn't know how else to protect him and she can't lose any more loved ones. Matt just listens, he doesn't judge. 


Outside, Tyler is excited to tell Caroline how he stood up to the boss man and how, when it comes to his woman, Special K has no control over him. Caroline tries to be sensible but Tyler won't allow it because he loves her. They kiss, it gets passionate, and he bites her on the collar bone. "Oh no. Oh my God!" He gasps when he realizes what he's done. Caroline scolds the bad doggy and he runs away to freak out about this new discovery that he's always under the thrall so long as Klaus exists. Poor Tyler, this long death march of his is so incredibly tragic. Every time I think about how I know he's going to die this season I want to send Michael Trevino and his expressive eyes a box of cookies wrapped in a giant hug. 

That's when Matt and Elena go out to find Caroline because Elena's worried she'll take Tyler back and also because they ran out of tequila. Stefan has had all the tender friendship moments he can stomach so he drops by to toss Matt head first into a brick wall and abscond with Elena. Oh Stefan, you dimmer-switched scamp! While speeding off with Elena in the Porsche, Stefan intercepts a call from Damon and tips his hand - he's going to kill Elena so Klaus can't make any more hybrids, thereby proving once and for all that he's the villainier villain. Elena and Damon do not like this plan. Stefan tosses her cell out the window and ignores her pleas to be let out of the car. 


Damon alerts Klaus to Stefan's big plan and suggests that Klaus disband his minion army. Klaus is sure Stefan is bluffing because of his undying love for Elena but Damon is in full panic mode so he plays his trump card on Klaus by whispering his sweet nothings really close to Klaus's face. Klaus can NOT resist the close-talking. It is his Achilles heel. 


Matt carries Caroline into her house and tells the Sheriff how she's hallucinating and none of their friends who know about this supernatural shit are answering their phones. Caroline cries in pain and apologizes to her mom and Matt. Thank God I believe in the extreme super-powers of Caroline's awesomness or I'd be VERY UPSET with this turn of events. 


Elena and Stefan exposition fight in the speeding car. She screams and he turns the quiet menacing up to a million, "maybe I'll just turn you into a vampire." If you're wondering where they went, all the dirty thoughts in the world are running through my head right now. Stefan calls Klaus and gives him another chance to get the hybrids out of Mystic Falls. Klaus isn't interested. Stefan promises to drive Elena off of the Death Bridge if Klaus doesn't reconsider. "You won't kill her," Klaus taunts. Stefan force feeds her some of his blood and Klaus's feathers ruffle. He finally agrees to send the army on maneuvers elsewhere. Stefan scares the shit out of everyone by stopping at the last possible second. 


Elena is pissed that he'd pretend to kill her in the same place she already almost died once. Stefan admits that he just needed her to be terrified so that Klaus would believe it. She wants to talk about what would have happened if Klaus hadn't blinked. I think if we're going to play the What If game, we should talk about how different things would be if Elijah weren't a pin cushion right now. Yelling, shouting, crying, reason, feelings, denial, awesome. Stefan's dimmer switch momentarily loses control of his face and it goes all "soulful old-school Stefan" before he pulls himself together, acts like he doesn't give a fuck and drives off, leaving Elena in the middle of Death Bridge covered in tears and blood. If there isn't an emo song somewhere with those exact lyrics, then I don't think our moody teenagers are trying hard enough. 


Matt answers the door at the Forbes house to find Klaus looking faux-contrite. Matt's not having it. Klaus wants to help by healing Caroline and if the Sheriff will simply invite him in and promise to support him, he'll do just that. I won't even ask why Matt didn't just carry Caroline out to the porch for this. What kind of idiot invites Klaus into her home? Yes, that's right. The kind that's the sheriff of a vampire-, werewolf- and hybrid-infested town. As he walks past Matt, Klaus totally shoots him a "neener-neener" side-eye. Heh, what a bitch. 


When Klaus finds Caroline in her bed, she asks if he's going to kill her. "On your birthday?" Klaus replies and I think he's really beside himself that she'd even consider it. Then again, he could just be playing her. He's very hard to read with all the crazy and evil oozing out of him all the time. He takes notice of her charm bracelet and talks her through the finer points of celebrating birthdays when you're immortal.  He sits down on the bed for a heart to heart - he'll let her die if she decides she doesn't want to deal with it anymore, but if she's interested, there's a whole world of amazing things she could live to see and all she has to do is ask him to save her. The creepy, beautiful deal-with-the-devil vibe in this scene makes my cheeks flush and the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Caroline tells him she doesn't want to die. He picks her up and helps her drink from his wrist. "Happy Birthday, Caroline," he whispers. Yowza. 


Damon brings Elena home (having...sensed that she needed a ride? Asking questions can only lead to more questions so I'm moving on). She tells him she'll be fine and he says that Stefan was kind of the hero today. He touches her face and looks into her eyes. "You can't kiss me again," she tells him. He knows but she seems way less sure. She says it isn't right and he says it is, "just not right now." They say goodnight and she goes inside. When he leaves she lingers in the doorway to picture him naked. We've all been there. 


The next morning Elena is hugging Jeremy goodbye and telling him to be safe. He turns to go but Bonnie comes running up the porch. She wants to tell him that he's been brainwashed, that he shouldn't go, but instead she hugs him and says goodbye. He grabs his bags, turns to smile at Elena and Bonnie one last time as the soundtrack sings "you'll never say goodbye," and he's gone. I'm not sure if this is denial or a coping mechanism or both, but I refuse to believe that Jeremy is really gone. I think this is the writers putting the character on ice for now so they can bring him back later to save the day at the most unexpected moment. If you know something different, keep it to yourself. Hope is all I've got. 


Caroline wakes to find a jewelry box and card reading "from Klaus." It's a diamond tennis bracelet which is what all the undead high school seniors are wearing this year. Some shit is about to go DOWN with Klaus and Caroline, y'all. I have too many thoughts to process how I feel about this development at the moment. Every time I try to wrap my brain around the possibilities it's like the screen inside my head freezes and I just get the message: buffering.


The Bridge of Death and Sadness. Elena is staring into the river when Matt finds her, "you're not gonna jump are ya?" She tells him that she's been thinking about his assessment of the gang as "stuck." That is how she feels, like she keeps trying to hold on to the normalness of the girl she used to be because she was the connection to her parents. He tells her it's ok to let go of that girl. He smiles and tells her that, as a guy who knew the other girl, this girl is doing a lot better than she thinks she is. Then he pics a few flowers from the side of the road, "here lies Elena Gilbert; a fun girlfriend...and an amazing friend." OH MY GOD, MAKE OUT! Elena smiles at him and he tosses the flowers into the river. I've spent the last 2 1/2 seasons wanting Matt to be with Caroline and therefore really against Matt and Elena having any sort of relationship relapse but that scene changed my mind. I still want Matt and Caroline to get back together in the long-term but in the short-term, someone should be kissing him and I'm perfectly comfortable with it being Elena. I mean, it's not like she has any other good looking men to make out with, right? 


Mystic Grill. Dr. Fell stops in for some liquid lunch and small talk with our favorite alcoholic. She has a story about losing a patient. He's sad to have said goodbye to Jeremy. They're only having beer and his hair looks fine so it doesn't really even seem sad or tragic. 

Liz is showing Damon the body of the medical examiner, who's presently lying dead in the woods with a stake through his human heart. Damon's like "why am I here? This isn't even supernatural." She tells him it was a murder. DUN! I feel like the only reason she'd invite Damon out to see a regular old human murder is as some kind of show-and-tell. "Look! We have normal grisly murders too! Yay!" You have to admire a woman who can make her own fun, I suppose. 


Next week: partial nudity, chains, and family drama. Just another day in the salt mines.