Keep A Good Thought

Because I'm certain that's all that's holding Minka Kelly's dress up.  It would look precarious enough if it were completely strapless but those droopy side-sleeves give the appearance that it's, like, sliding off of her? 

Such a shame too because I think I would have loved this dress if the top of it were...completely different.

It's Finally Happened

I've run out of ways to tell Katie Holmes to dress her kid appropriately for the fucking weather. 

La Femme In Space

I wonder if the boys of 30 Seconds to Mars all buy their lady jackets at the same place.  Shannon's sweater coat is maybe the least feminine of them all and it's a SWEATER COAT!   

Ow! My Eyes!

Oh my God in Heaven! There are so many things happening with this outfit that I almost don't know where to start telling her what's wrong with it.

I'm not against mixing patterns by any means because I think that can be really fun. But they should really be patterns that are enjoyable in and of themselves for starters. They should also be patterns that have some tangential relationship to each other - like a similar or complementary color scheme for example. Hardly anything in the world should be accessorized as heavily as this but most especially not anything that is, itself, very busy. And finally, whatever you're wearing should fit you in a way that shows off the very best things about you rather than making your perfectly lovely figure look appallingly unattractive.

This outfit fails on every single level.

Please Pass The Whipped Cream

While it may not be immediately evident in this picture, Ali Larter is pregnant. And in other photos from this very day, her bump was in full view. I think someone needs to be a good friend to Ali and let her know that it is not ok for a 34 year old pregnant woman to wear a dress short enough so as to allow random passersby to provide her with complimentary pelvic exams.

Never mind what would happen if there happened to be a stiff breeze on this day, but what if someone walked by her briskly, or opened a door near her, sneezed? The hem of that dress would have picked itself up off of her pubic bone and that nameless spot in the back where the top of her thigh meets the bottom of her ass cheek, and fluttered skyward just far enough to show everyone on the street (and, thanks to the ever-present paparazzi, the world) her child's escape hatch.

But the length is not the only sartorially offensive thing about this dress. She also needs to provide her offspring's food supply with a little more support. I mean, if not for their own comfort, than surely for the comfort of those of us you don't want to see her side boob on such aggressive display.

And if the inappropriateness isn't enough to change her mind about this number, maybe someone could point out that it's giving the illusion of considerable back fat which no woman in her right mind wants!

If given a choice between Ali walking down the streets of LA wearing this or the whipped cream bikini she sported in that seminal classic, Varsity Blues, I would obviously vote for the bikini even in her current condition because at least that ensemble kept all of her lady business covered.

And then this happened...

Oh Michelle, NO! What is that thing?

I'll Never Be Clean Again

Professional Douche Steven Seagal is (allegedly) a disgusting sex fiend who not only imports sex "slaves" from Russia but also hires assistants to tend to his "needs" at his whim.

So basically, he's even grosser than I suspected he was.

It's really too bad...

Millions of dollars at her disposal and she's walking around in this terribly ill-fitting bra. They'll fit you for free at Victoria's Secret, Katie!

Strung-Out, Insane, Crack Whore

I assume that's the look that Taylor Momsen was going for here. That's not even eye liner, she just painted large black circles all around her eyes.

And I won't even ask what she was snorting that left grey dust around her nose. I do not want to know!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go try to decide whether her being absent from several episodes of GG's next season is enough to make me like the show again.

A Sad Story

Something kind of tragic has happened to Mischa Barton in the years since she was Marissa Cooper on The O.C.

Then

Now

I'm out of words...

You're So Vain (and Stupid), You Prob'ly Think This Commercial Is About You

You know that E*Trade commercial that ran during the Super Bowl where the baby's girlfriend was pissed that he was spending time with a "milkaholic" named Lindsay? Well, Lindsay Lohan jumped right to the conclusion that said "milkaholic" was based on her so now she's suing E*Trade for ONE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS!

I've seen the commercial several times and it never sparked thoughts of Lohan, though, to her point, "trampy girl with substance abuse problems" probably should have. Still, this is the very definition of petty litigiousness.

If you can't say anything nice...

About Leona Lewis's look, I say nothing at all.

Snow Queen

There was a blizzard in New York City yesterday. An actual blizzard. And this is what Butterface GaGa wore for the occasion:

I can't decide if she was trying to be noticed (like she ALWAYS is) or if she was trying keep from being noticed by blending into the blizzard. Is she camouflaged as a snowball?

Stay tuned for the headlines about her impending hypothermia and pneumonia.

God, this woman is just such an asshole!

Defying Explanation

Let me start by saying that I don't even know why Kelis is still famous enough to be invited anywhere, let alone photographed. It's been YEARS since her one hit song - which, by the way, was abhorrent ("my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard" - makes me gag a little to this very day). But that's really neither here nor there because the important thing now, is that she was invited and she was photographed and this is what came of it (click here for a larger picture, but do it at your own peril - trust me!):





I don't really know what I find most awful here - the Statue Of Liberty head band, the multiple nose ring-to-ear chains, the horse tail hair, the 3-inch blond mink lashes on her bottom lids, the cloven hoof shoes.... Oh, that's right, it's her plastic body suit through which I can totally see her belly tats and pubic hair. And the grotesquely visible crotch sweat, of course.


Yeah, it's definitely the crotch sweat.


I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Tootsies

Sweet fancy Moses what in the HELL is going on with Channing Tatum's shoes?

(Click picture to enlarge and get a better view of those...things.)

Geriatric Sitting

How sweet is it that the lovely Ashley Olsen took her wacky great-aunt Mildred as her date to the Tim Burton function?

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other

Because one of these people is dressed like a mental patient.

(Kristen Stewart, Taylor Lautner)

Twenty-Three

There are all these women in Hollywood who are quite a lot older than me, who look so ridiculously good that I feel particularly gray-haired, poorly-complected, fat and old looking for my comparatively youthful 33 years. Which is why it's kind of nice that Lindsay Lohan has taken it upon herself to walk around resembling 50 miles of HARD road so that I can feel particularly beautiful in comparison to this train wreck who's 10 years my junior.

Thanks, Linds!

Slob Up

There are really no words that accurately convey my sense of disappointment over whatever the hell Channing Tatum has dressed himself in before going out in public. No words at all!

I'm not even tagging this post to the "Boys" section because I don't want his "outfit" befouling that lovely label grouping. The boys - hell, we ALL - deserve better than this.