For the second week in a row I only have time for a summary of The Vampire Diaries rather than a minute by minute recap of the action so let's get right to it.
Previously: There was the thing with the rock and the stuff. Oh, Elijah! I miss that dapper bastard! Jeremy saw dead people, Matt pouted, Stefan confused vampire with zombie and gnawed the flesh off a girl's neck. Elena said some stuff and Damon did a thing, Stefan killed Stormy Weather (RIP Stormy!), Alaric drank and felt sorry for himself and rocked a Bieberific coif as only sad Alaric could. Caroline and Tyler had hot monster sex and then Mrs. Mayor shot her all full of vervain. If anyone's going to have an orgasm in her house, it's going to be her, dammit!
We have three fairly distinct stories this week that have little or no crossover with each other which is my biggest beef with this episode. The show has historically been fantastic at keeping many, many balls in the air but having the action involve nearly everyone working together. Now, we're suddenly in these fractured groups and no one knows what's going on with anyone and it feels disjointed and not at all like the tight, cohesive show I'm used to. Anyway, I'll start with the lamest plot first.
It's a new day in Mystic Falls and Elena has stopped by the Salvatore house to crab at Damon for not answering the phone when she calls to crab at him. She catches the news report about Stormy Weather's untimely demise and then tells Damon how Stefan called her and she had a touching hear-to-heart with his quivering chin. Damon's like, "blah blah I don't care."
Elena tires of Damon not doing what she tells him to so she goes to Alaric's place and rouses him out of a drink-induced shirtless stupor. Elena speaks right to Alaric's bare chest when she asks for the deets on the haps in Tennessee. Alaric is like "shiftless alcoholic!" and Elena's all "Damon and Alaric, sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G." I'm not sure what the point of that was, but it worked. They argue, she hatches a terrible plan, he fails to cover his chest the entire time and she continues staring at his nipples.
Elena goes to Tyler for help tracking Stefan and Klaus who are tracking werewolves. Tyler, having been a werewolf for 10 whole minutes, is suddenly an expert on where werewolves in the Smokey Mountain region hang out, so he Bings Elena a map and sends her on her suicide mission...er, way. Sends her on her way.
Meanwhile, in the only forest on the side of that one teeny, tiny hill in the Great Smokey Mountains where all the werewolves hang, Stefan and Klaus are returning a temporarily dead Simon Camden to his furry little friends. Klaus is chatty, Stefan is bitchy. I'm skimming over it, but it was pretty fun to watch. Special K makes kibble of the wolves turning them all into werepires so that he'll have an army and no one will mess with him. Because everyone's been tripping over themselves to mess with him up 'till now. The more we find out about Special K's plans for world domination, the more he seems like Special Ed.
So now we have an army of blood-crying werepires and a few hours to kill before the full moon. Why do they cry blood? Don't know. In situations like these, when logic completely fails us, the best thing to do is assume the answer is "magic" and move on. (Though, honestly, I always suspected that in order to make a werepire, you'd have to turn a human from a wolfy bloodline into a vamp and then have that vamp activate the wolfy curse. I would've guessed that turning an already wolfed wereperson into a vampire, when he's already poisonous to himself, would just fail to work on a grand scale, but whatever.) Elena and Alaric have followed the crack directions Tyler Binged for them and ended up in that one spot in the only forest on the side of that teeny, tiny hill in the Great Smokey Mountains were all the werewolves hang.
Elena brought water and the death-defying family ring. Alaric brought a map, a compass, a couple sets of brass knuckle-handled stakes and a wolfsbane grenade. They swap, he'll wear his old ring temporarily to shut her up, if she takes the grenade. I love it when this show gets sentimental. Oh, THAT'S the other thing Ric brought, Damon. Elena and Damon do more of that thing where they argue with each other like a couple of 9-year-olds who learned everything they know about arguing from PeeWee Herman ("I know you are, but what am I?") and then the three of them proceed to tromp through the woods loud as you please on the hunt for a couple of vampires with super powered hearing.
Speaking of that fancy power, Klaus's ears must be on the fritz because while Stefan hears the Mystic Falls All-Stars, Klaus is all "my doggies won't hunt. FIX THEM!" Simon Camden bites Stefan, Klaus won't heal him until all the puppies are rounded up and housebroken. Simon stumbles upon Damon, Elena and Ric and a fight ensues during which Elena detonates a wolfsbane grenade in Simon's face. They tie him to a tree and then watch him turn into a wolf and that's when Elena's like "these mountains are no place for us, we gotta go!" So even Elena can no longer pretend this isn't the worst plan she's ever had. Through the forest they run until they encounter a wolf. Damon gets the wolf to chase him and Elena insists they try to save him since it's her fault Damon is in danger but Alaric's like "it's MY fault he's out here. God, Elena, not everything is about you. Our love is real and I hate the way you're always marginalizing it!" They run.
Somewhere in a clearing, Stefan rescues Damon by ripping out Simon's wereheart. Bye Simon. Tell Ruthie I said rot in Hell!
The blood-crying werepires wander around all creepy and then die. Klaus is a sad puppy. He whines about how it all should have worked because the wolf died and the vamp died and the doppelganger died. Ooops. Magic! Since Stefan is his only friend, Klaus cures him of his wolf bite.
Alaric tells Elena he's going to stop being pathetic and keep the ring. I knew the hair was too good to last. So Alaric moves back into the Gilbert house where he'll be sleeping in the bedroom of dead parental figures. And Damon has dropped by to promise Elena that he'll help rescue Stefan. He forces her to admit that she decided to run because she was worried he might get hurt. She gets all pissy because she doesn't like having to admit to liking him. He tells her that when he brings Stefan back to her, he wants her to remember how she felt about him while Stefan was gone. That's fair.
Thus endeth the hybrid plot from hell.
Back in Mystic Falls where plans suck ever so slightly less, Jeremy is looking to get to the bottom of his dead girlfriend infestation so he implores a gloriously shirtless Matt to help him out. Hold on a sec...yeah, sorry, I just had to watch that an even 300 times. So Matt's like "dude, you're dating a witch and I'm a total supernatural-phobe, can you please go lay your weirdo ghost problems on Bonnie and leave me out of this?" You know I love Matt more than anything (except Caroline) but he needs to get the fuck over it because I'm tired of him not sacking up to be part of the team. Jeremy protests that his current girlfriend might be a little offended at having brought him back from the dead just so he could spend all his private time with his dead exes.
Jeremy's plan requires that he and Matt go through all of Vicki's old stuff and round up some mementos, like a gray tank top, her pot pipe, and a picture of her and Matt when they were kids. Matt chickens out and gives Jeremy the boot and then stands around in his garage looking 10 kinds of hot in his second blue shirt of the episode. Then the picture magically sets itself back up and he has thoughts.
He packs up Vicki's most cherished possessions (tank top, picture, pipe) and a six pack of Hesler's Apology Ale and takes them over to Jeremy's. The boys bond and look ridiculously hot (seriously you guys, Steven McQueen is a kind of hot that's about to set my lady parts on fire. The entire cast seems to get hotter every damn season - save for Somerhalder's, hair of course - what the hell do they put in the water on that set?).
That's when Vicki shows up and asks Jeremy for help coming back from the dead. Just when he's about to tell Matt that story, Anna shows up and is all "don't trust Vicki." I'm not playing favorites (I totally am) but if I were going to pick a dead girlfriend to believe, it would be Anna before it would be Vicki. I'm just saying.
Dead girlfriend plot: fin.
Finally, in the plot I care the most about, Mrs. Lockwood has spirited Caroline out of the house in the night and then gets all kinds of weird with Tyler the next morning. She spikes the coffee with vervain (while she drinks her morning scotch, neat) and gives him some. He wrinkles his nose up at the taste but does not scream in gullet-burning agony so she knows he hasn't been vamped. She's like "next time you sleep with a girl, can you please ask her not to sneak out in the middle of the night like a prostitute?" And even though I usually use these moments to embellish and make it sound worse than it was, Mrs. L seriously called Caroline a prostitute. To Tyler's face. It was the worst thing ever.
Tyler has apparently gotten his rage issues under control (more's the pity) and apologizes and is actually nice when he's like "Caroline's not a prostitute." Then he gets all sad that his woman snuck out. Later, at The Grill, when he's telling Elena all about all the other werewolves that he has intimate knowledge of, he "casually" asks if she's seen or talked to Caroline today. Nope, why? No reason.
Later still, Tyler remains at The Grill, shooting pool alone and frantically checking to see if Caroline will answer his texts. Matt brings him some coffee with a side of attitude. Tyler asks Matt if he's seen Caroline and Matt's like "more attitude, on the house!" I'm sorry...I'm going to have to stop summarizing temporarily because this scene is the single greatest thing about the entire episode. So Matt says, snotty as all get-out, that he no longer keeps track of Caroline's comings and goings. Tyler gets serious and sincere, "look man, I never meant for me and her being friends to be a problem for you." That's a totally fair sentiment and I'm on Tyler's side with this because Matt dumped Caroline and forfeited his right to be a butt head about her personal life, but Tyler does leave out the part where they aren't really just friends anymore. Matt replies coldly, "it is what it is." He turns to leave but changes his mind. He mentions that he knows it's a full moon tonight and that Caroline usually helps him when he wolfs out. "Do you uh...is this like the kind of thing you need another person for?" Matt asks. When he's all adorable like that, I kind of forgive him for being such a supernatural-phobic baby. Tyler thanks him for the offer, but assures him he'll be fine and then takes a sip of the coffee Matt poured him and makes a hilarious face. "What is up with my taste buds today?" Matt laughs and tells him it's the vervain that the Sheriff has him slip into the coffee from time to time. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a random spot check to see if there are more vamps in town than we already know about or if she's trying to keep the locals all vervained up so that no visiting vamps have anyone to snack on.
Anyway, Matt notes that people usually can't taste it in the coffee but Tyler stopped listening a little while back because he's been doing the math in his head and he's just figured out that his mom vervained him.
Speaking of Mrs. Interim Mayor, she's chatting with a mysterious man I think we can all agree would be better to look at if he were wearing horn rimmed glasses. No one knows he's there, Caroline is a vampire, the council hasn't been told, he gets a name (Bill), she can't get her hands dirty in this mess, he's more than willing to kill Vampire Barbie. I don't like Bill.
Tyler arrives home later and lays it all out. "Let's skip the part where we pretend we don't know about the vampires in this town." He wants to know why she did the vervain vamp test on him this morning. She says it's because she thought that Caroline vamped him. He feels like this is the right time to go back to playing dumb so he's like "Caroline? Why whatever do you mean?" Mrs. L goes full throttle bitch and Tyler gets his hackles up as he starts to realize that it's no coincidence Caroline is missing. Mrs. L tells him he can't be with her because she's a monster and he's like, "Hahahaha! I'll show you a monster!" And then he takes his pants off. I kid (kind of).
Really he's kind of taken aback and realizes she doesn't know what's up. So he wants to educate his mom on his wolfitude which makes sense. But while he could just whip out the video of Hot Uncle Mason and get this shit sewn up with a quickness so they could mobilize a Caroline rescue party while the sun still shines, he's like "come with me to the woods. We've got plenty of time." He locks her in the cage in the Lockood dungeon and has her watch while he chains himself to the floor. Then he turns into a wolf while she screams in horror. The next morning she sits in her cage and stares at her remarkably well-built and completely naked 17-year-old son until he wakes up. Because that's not creepy.
When he does wake up, he's all "so? Seen any good nudity lately?" His mom promises to make sure nothing bad happens to Caroline. Then she calls Bill and asks him to back up off of Vampire Barbie but Bill's not having it. When Bill sets his mind to something, he's like a dog with a bone. Off Bill goes to another dungeony locale where Caroline is tied to a chair and just coming to from her overdose of vervain. When Bill opens the door, Caroline takes one look at him and..."Daddy?" Oh Jesus! Can I PLEASE get someone to make Caroline's rescue a top fucking priority next week? And by "someone" I mean "everyone." Thanks!