Big Plans

I don't want to propel you all into jealous fits or anything but I have the best plans in the world for my extra long weekend which begins tomorrow.  I'm going to stay home for 4 days, laying either on the couch or in my bed, watching movies and eating take-out food.  

Frankly, I'm pretty excited to see how many movies I can watch in 4 days.  I'm also beginning to wonder if I'll suddenly feel movie'd out and switch to TV on DVD at some point.  God, the mystery of it all is so exciting! 

Anyway, there might be some blogging happening while I watch but there will very definitely be tweeting.  If you follow me on Twitter, you're either going to get really sick of me, or you're going to live my sloth vicariously.  It's gonna be awesome. 

Merry Christmas

It's that time of year when my family gathers together to eat way too much and drive each other crazy.  It's nearly Christmas and I still have a few last-minute gifts to buy, grocery shopping to do, presents to wrap and sedatives to take.  I'll be much to busy for the next few days to stop by here and ramble about television, movies, and celebrities who won't be doing anything worth talking about anyway. 

I'll try to watch a bunch of things over the weekend so that I have plenty to talk about next week.  Even if I don't manage that, I have some things I've been meaning to post here that I'll finally have time to put up.  Plus, I'll probably still say random things on Twitter throughout the weekend. 

In the mean time, Tibby and I wish you all a very Merry Christmas (or a happy Christmukkah, Kwanza, Festivus, agnostic chilly holiday, bonus Jewish vacation day, etc.). 

Good Morning

Scott Speedman and Liv Tyler

I'd Rather Be...

Sailing with Zac Efron

Get in the spirit!

Holiday-prep stress has been getting to me for the last week or so and I haven't been feeling terribly festive.  No need to panic though, I've found the cure:

Dear Casting Directors,

Ryan Gosling and Scott Speedman would make gorgeously believable brothers in a movie.  Can you please make that happen? 

Love,
Melissa

Unsportsmanlike Conduct

Friday Night Lights is at it's absolute best when it focuses on a slice of life.  Last night was full of the small, simple, authentic moments that we've come to expect from this show and every one of them was affecting in some way. 

A lot of attention was paid to the influence that Ornette is having in Vince's life and how that's changing Vince's relationship with Coach and what it's doing to the team.  After being in prison for a large part of Vince's life, Ornette wants to be the father who guides his son's future and in part because Ornette helped him out of a bind last week, but also because he sees how happy his mother is, Vince wants to let his father in and trust that he's doing what's right and what's best for his future.  Though I understand how Vince can stand behind his dad, it is disappointing to see him turn his back on coach in this way, given how much Coach cares about him and has been there for him when his father wasn't.  It's especially hard to watch because I don't trust that Ornette actually wants what's best for Vince.  And it is incomprehensible to me that he had the NERVE to treat Coach with such disdainful disrespect - at the barbecue Coach was hosting at his own home.  He's a thug and he is poison to Vince's life. 

The Ornette problem comes to a bit of a head when the Lions play the Panthers.  East Dillon gives West Dillon a solid trouncing in the game - complete with some pretty savage hits - and, in the last moments of the game, ahead by 24 and in possession of the ball, Coach tells them to take a knee and allow the clock to run out so as not to kick their opponents while they're down.  It's the classy thing to do.  Coach sends the play in but Vince, encouraged by his dad and the recruiter in the stands, decides to take this opportunity to show off his arm.  He throws a 65 yard pass for a final touchdown which is the sporting equivalent of rubbing the other teams' face in the dirt.  It's petty, it's thugish, and it's the very epitome of unsportsmanlike conduct.  Coach may have an undefeated team, but judging by the way they behaved on the field last night, he may be losing the battle when it comes to shaping them into men. 

But as full as the story was with all things Vince and Ornette, there were a lot of other things happening.  Tami had a brief, painfully awkward encounter with Derek that once again made me wish that the Emmy's had a "face acting" category because Connie Britton would OWN that trophy.  Jason Street returned to Dillon and had just about the most delightful lunch with Coach where they talked about Jason getting married, about their kids, about Jason's job, about life.  Billy gave Luke some truly awful advice about women in one of the funniest scenes in the show's history.  My adoration for Luke's interest in discussing Mindy's employment at The Landing Strip can not be measured.  Likewise, I'm beyond thrilled that Luke and Becky seem to have finally turned their relationship into...well, a relationship.  Buddy and the East Dillon boosters camping out on the field to ensure that it is not vandalized before the rivalry game was full of overlapping dialogue and middle-aged insanity and it brought a tear to my eye to see how far we'd come in a little over a year. 

Of course, it turns out that Coach is himself being recruited by a college in Florida.  While Coach thinks he's happy where he is, the lure of a job as a college head coach together with the realization that while the boys he coaches may be of the highest importance to Coach, he and the team aren't always of the highest importance to him will likely send the Taylor family on to new challenges outside of Dillon when the series comes to an end.   

The Hollywood Foriegn Putz Association

Since I was sick yesterday and could muster only the one quick post, I didn't get a chance to really chime in with my thoughts on the Golden Globe nominations - such as they were. 

Today I just want to talk about the Television categories and really pick them apart.  Ready?  Let's bitch!


Best TV Series — Drama
Boardwalk Empire - I haven't seen this show because I don't have HBO but I've seen clips and I feel like, for the most part, the acting is merely fine.  It's good.  It's completely serviceable and enjoyable even but, when held up against everything else there is, it falls comfortably in the middle - maybe the upper middle - in terms of quality.  If your acting isn't outstanding, then how can your show be the best?  That said, I won't flat out deny them this nomination because I can't judge a show by its clips.

Dexter - I don't have Showtime either and I've never seen a single minute of this show so I'll take the word of critics and friends and give them this one.


The Good Wife - The one nomination in this category I stand behind completely.  It has what I believe any contender for the title of "best" must - excellence in writing, directing, acting, and production. 


Mad Men - Look, I've just accepted that everyone else feels differently about this show than I do but I'd kind of like someone to explain to me the ways in which this show is not bone-crushingly boring.  Yes, it is beautiful to look at.  I suppose that most of the actors are doing an above average job (I swear to God, the praise for January Jones makes me feel homicidal though - the woman is SO WOODEN!), but on the whole, I really don't understand why this show gets so much love. 


The Walking Dead - You have GOT to be kidding me!  For starters, the season was SIX EPISODES LONG!  How can you call it a best show when you've only seen six episodes of it?  The writing is all the fuck over the place, the pacing is glacial which is pretty ridiculous for a show about a zombie apocalypse, and the acting ranges from "serviceable" to "Sarah Wayne Callies does her best work as a severed head." 


What would I have nominated?  Friday Night Lights which is the perfect blend of great story, brilliantly simple characterization, pacing, acting, writing and directing that come together to create a perfect show.  Terriers for doing more with less than any other show this season and delivering 13 episodes that got every single thing right.  The Vampire Diaries (don't look at me like that) because whether you believe it or not, this is another show that is firing on all cylinders - writing, acting, directing, pacing, and story.  The Good Wife due to the aforementioned excellence.  And I can concede the fifth spot to something I don't watch that everyone insists is brilliant - your Dexters, Sons of Anarchys, Breaking Bads - so long as it isn't Mad Men. 

Best TV Series — Musical or Comedy
30 Rock - I don't watch it because my Thursday TV calendar is so jam-packed as it is that I'd need a 4th DVR to incorporate this into my schedule and, even for me, that's excessive.  But Tina Fey is smart and funny and I have no trouble believing that hilarious sun shines right out of Alec Baldwin's ass so I'll allow it.


The Big Bang Theory - I do watch it, and I love it, and I think it's very funny.  It's nice to see a multi-camera sitcom get a nomination and not have it involve Charlie Sheen.  I don't think it should win, but the nomination is fine.


The Big C - Again, don't have the pay-cable channel that airs this so I can't speak to whether or not it's deserved though I've heard some questionable things about the evenness of quality and I really do find it hard to accept that it's a genuinely funny show about cancer but whatev.


Glee - No.  Look, I have loved Glee and liked Glee and sort of wanted to kill Glee in it's sleep so I'm kind of all over the place with this show but I've been in the same place for a while which is to say that since the Golden Globe nominations were announced last year, the quality of the writing on Glee has been in a bit of a free-fall so no matter what period of time these nominations are based on it is absolutely NOT the best show in any category. 


Modern Family - Yes, I absolutely and whole-heartedly concur with this nomination.  Modern Family is sweet and funny with an outstanding cast from top to bottom. 


Nurse Jackie - I have seen exactly one and a half episodes of this show.  I didn't laugh once, hell, I didn't even know it was supposed to be a comedy.  I admit I have a completely irrational aversion to Edie Falco (something about her eyes and the tone of her voice makes me feel like she's always crabbing at me...I find her off-putting for absolutely no good reason) but that aside, I still don't think this show is remotely funny and that means I think it's a supremely shitty pick for best comedy.

What would I have nominated?  I'm not sure how they categorize themselves, but I'd call Chuck a comedy and I'd nominate it here.  Funny, original, sweet and silly in the very best way.  Cougar Town is the funniest show with the worst name.  Modern Family, The Big Bang Theory, and either 30 Rock or Community. 

Best Actor — Drama
Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire


Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad


Michael C. Hall, Dexter


Jon Hamm, Mad Men


Hugh Laurie, House M.D.

I won't pick apart the list since it's mostly people from shows I don't watch, though I will say that while I love a Hugh Laurie acceptance speech as much as the next gal, I don't think we need to keep nominating him every year for a show that stopped being good a while ago and whether he's good as House or not, there are other people whose turn it is to be recognized. 

Who would I have nominated?  Kyle Chandler for Friday Night Lights.  He is what we mean when we say that a person embodies their character.  Every word, every look, every exasperated breath is pure Coach Taylor to the extent that I think people don't truly appreciate that it isn't just a guy out there being himself.  There is acting being done out there every week and it's amazing.  Ian Somerhalder for The Vampire Diaries.  In the hands - or eyes - of a lesser actor, there would be nothing redeemable about Damon and, in fact, he would probably seem like nothing so much as a mustache-twirling cartoon villain.  Ian gives him nuance and depth and the eye thing.  Michael Raymond James for Terriers.  The journey that Britt took in those 13 episodes were something to behold and in the last 3 or 4 episodes in particular, he was absolutely breathtaking for every second he was on screen. 


Best Actress — Drama
Elizabeth Moss, Mad Men


Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife


Piper Perabo, Covert Affairs


Katey Sagal, Sons of Anarchy


Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer


There aren't a whole lot of ways to say "are you fucking kidding me?" but the internet has gone through all of them since yesterday morning because Piper Perabo?  First of all, she's TERRIBLE!  Second, her show is, like, the guiltiest of all pleasures and she is by far the least good thing about it.  Her character, her clothes, her hair, her acting, her very existence is the worst thing about a show that is pure, stupid fluff.  And in much the same way that I object to Hugh Laurie's nomination, I also object to Kyra Sedgwick's because I like The Closer a lot and I think Kyra Sedgwick is awesome but the work she does as Brenda is not better than the work that EVERYONE else is doing.  It just isn't. 

Who would I have nominated?  Connie Britton for Friday Night Lights.  If you want to see a New Yorker play a convincing southerner, a Texan no less, then Connie as Tami Taylor is for you.  There is no one on earth that can fit so much subtext into "thank y'all so much" and she brings gravity to every moment, every interaction, every word.  Nina Dobrev for The Vampire Diaries.  Scoff if you must but I've said it before and I'll say it again, the way that she plays a dual, almost triple, role on that show is nothing short of amazing.  And Julianna Marguilies, Elizabeth Moss and Katie Sagal all seem like great choices to me. 

Best Actor — Musical or Comedy
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock


Steve Carell, The Office


Thomas Jane, Hung


Matthew Morrison, Glee


Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Thoery


Another example of the HFPA's extreme insanity - IF we were to agree that Matthew Morrison was actually a lead in Glee (he gets less screen time than Kurt or Finn), it's the best actor in a COMEDY category which means, presumably, that the actor should be funny.  You know who isn't funny on Glee?  Mr. Schuster!  If you want to tell me that he's getting this for the musical half of the category I'd almost give it to you except that the category is best ACTOR, not best SINGER (and sometime ill-advised rapper) so once again I'm going to have to say an emphatic NO!  I also think that Steve Carell is a stretch in the same way Hugh and Kyra are so ppplllllbbbttttt.  Alec Baldwin and Jim Parsons are genuinely funny men and I guess I'll take their word for it where Thomas Jane is concerned though, I have to admit, they have little credibility and I'm not usually inclined to think Jane is funny so I'm really just looking right past that nomination like it's not there at all. 

Who would I have nominated?  Zachary Levi for Chuck.  I think it's a lot harder to act goofy than people usually give credit for and it's very rare to find someone who can convincingly pull off goofy and charming at the same time.  Chris Colfer for Glee who I think was incorrectly placed in the supporting group based on the size of his role.  Dule Hill for Psych which is not a great show, but is a pretty good show and Hill never fails to make me laugh, often with only his spot-on delivery of "I know that's right."  And of course, Alec and Jim.


Best Actress — Musical or Comedy
Toni Collette, United States of Tara


Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie


Tina Fey, 30 Rock


Laura Linney, The Big C


Lea Michele, Glee


I almost don't have the energy.  If this were the best singer in a musical or comedy, I'd just go ahead and give the damn award to Lea Michele but I don't think her acting is particularly fantastic and that's coming from one of the 6 people in America who actually likes the Rachel character.  Everyone else is kind of a big, fat whatever for me. 

Who would I have nominated?  Courtney Cox for Cougar Town. 


Best Supporting Actor in TV Series, Mini-Series, or Made-for-TV Movie
Scott Caan, Hawaii Five-0

Chris Colfer, Glee


Chris Noth, The Good Wife


David Strathairn, Temple Grandin


Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family


This category is impossible because it combines all the supporting actors into one group and that's ludicrous but whatever.  I think Scott Caan is an interesting choice, though probably not one I would have made in a field this big but like I said yesterday, he's absolutely the best thing about his show and I do enjoy him a lot.  I already said I would have put Colfer in the lead group so he's out.  Chris Noth is fine, but he isn't the best supporting actor on his show, let alone in all of TV.  Same with Eric Stonestreet - he's good but I think there is better on his very show.  I do think David Strathairn is the bomb but I've not seen Temple Grandin so I can't make any call on him here. 

Who would I have nominated?  Alan Cumming for The Good Wife.  He's the best he's ever been as Eli Gold.  Ty Burrell for Modern Family.  His Phil is the heart, soul and funny bone of a show that is packed to the rafters with heart, soul and funny.  Zach Gilford for Friday Night Lights.  I'm not sure how the nominating rules account for the weird FNL DirecTV season but if last year can qualify, he should be in for the arc where Matt Saracen loses his father.  It was, in a word, beautiful.  Walton Goggins for Justified.  I spent the entire season wondering whether Boyd Crowder really had been born again in prison.  Goggins never once made it easy to know for sure where Boyd stood and that was what made the character and his relationship to Raylan so compelling.  John Noble for Fringe.  No one could make Walter's food fetishes and immunity to ick as entertainingly charming as John Noble does. 


Best Supporting Actress in TV Series, Mini-Series, or Made-for-TV Movie
Hope Davis, The Special Relationship


Jane Lynch, Glee


Kelly Macdonald, Boardwalk Empire


Julia Stiles, Dexter


Sofia Vergara, Modern Family


I can get behind Jane Lynch's nomination and Sofia Vergara's.  I have absolutely no opinion of the other three. 

Who would I have nominated?  Archie Penjabi for The Good Wife.  Kalinda is one of the most fantastic women on TV and I can't believe she didn't even get a nod from the HFPA.  Busy Philipps for Cougar Town.  I think you kind of have to see her in action on the show to appreciate just how insanely funny she is.  Candice Accola for The Vampire Diaries.  Caroline has always added a touch of humanity and normalcy to a show about the supernatural and even this year, after becoming a vampire, she's still somehow the best example of girl power and friendship and love and adolescence and so many other human qualities.  Her scenes usually hit me the hardest because she makes them so genuine. 

On a final note, they nominated Jennifer Love Hewitt in the Best Actress in a Mini-Series or Made-For-TV Movie.  She played a suburban prostitute.  Jennifer Love Hewitt.  The jokes make themselves, you guys. 

The Weird And The Wonderful

Three quick things about Hawaii Five-0 before my food poisoning sends me back to bed. 

1) Did James Marsters have a bizarre accent in the pilot episode?  I could have sworn he was just speaking in a nondescript American accent the first time he was on the show, then he shows up last night and suddenly he's got this terrible Irish accent that keeps slipping into an awful Texas accent and neither one is very steady.  Like, in a sentence with 10 words, 3 of them are "Irish," 3 of them are "Texas," and 4 of them are nondescript American.  I was so transfixed by it that I almost didn't notice how he tried to kill Chin-Ho by blowing his attractive head clean off. 

2) Why is Danny always so maudlin when he interacts with his daughter?  Is he really so bitter about moving from Jersey to Hawaii that he can't even joke and smile with his child at Christmas?  Lighten up, Danno! 

3) Of all the surprising and sort of insane Golden Globe nominations that were announced this morning, my favorite - and one of the few that seem insane in a good way - is Scott Caan's nomination for Best Supporting Actor.  He's pretty much the best part of the show anyway, plus it tickles me to no end what a big crush my mom has on him.  I don't know why, just does.

Sex dreams and Rose rash and whiskers on Tyler.

Drunken Alaric and badass Elijah.  Werewolves that crash through the window with glee.  These are a few of my favorite things about The Vampire Diaries. 

Previously, Alaric took his job as history teach pretty seriously and gave us the back story on vamps and werewolves and curses and such.  Katherine and Elena are distant doppelrelatives and the key to breaking the vamp half of the curse-spell jobby.  Elijah was awesome and scary and awesome some more.  Klaus was old and probably crazy.  Tyler triggered his werecurse and started to fall for Caroline.  Elena was whiny.  Damon was having sex with Rose.  And Stefan got stuck in a tomb with Katherine.

Lockwood estate.  Tyler is packing an overnight bag full of all the things the young wolf on the go needs for a sleepover - mostly chains - while the video of Uncle Mason's first transformation plays soothingly on the laptop nearby.  Ty sweetie, I know you're trying to prepare and stuff but maybe some yoga and meditation would be better for your nerves than repeatedly viewing the horrors that await you.  He wigs a bit and grabs the phone to call Mason for what's probably the bajillionth time.  When he gets the home answering machine he leaves a panicy, "I'm a werewolf!" message that is totally heard by the pretty woman getting dressed in Mason's bedroom.  I'm confused by Mason's personal life because he'd obviously been "seeing" Katherine for a year and he said he was in love with her, yet he was sharing a bedroom with a woman who looked like that?  As Tyler hangs up, Mason screams on the video and the pretty girl stares us into the title card.

In Elena's room, she questions Bonnie as to what the plan is for the moonstone now that they have it back.  Bonnie tells us the same thing that we've already been told in the two previous episodes - remove spell from stone, render doppelganger useless - and Elena bitches about how that's just going to piss Klaus off and she's worried they might not like him when he's angry.  Plus, she thinks that getting Stefan out of the tomb should be their top priority anyway.  They bicker and Bonnie snatches the moonstone back just as Jeremy walks into the room and wonders what they're arguing about.  Bonnie slips the stone into her purse while she and Jeremy exchange a look fraught with sexual tension and awkwardness then excuses herself to get a beverage but leaves her purse on the bed.  Elena sits down next to the purse and argues with Jeremy about the same thing she argues with everyone about - her continued plan to sacrifice her own life to keep everyone else she knows "safe."  Jeremy and his sexy hair leave the room and Elena immediately removes the moonstone from Bonnie's purse and heads for the exit. 

She runs into Bonnie on the stairs and says she's going to see Stefan.  "You're lying," Bonnie says.  "No, I'm not," Elena meekly insists.  "Really?  Tell your face," Bonnie replies.  Before Elena can really protest, Jeremy comes down the stairs with Bonnie's purse announcing that Elena took the moonstone and then he and Bonnie give her a big, fat F on that test.  As rarely as she attends school, I'd wager that's a regular occurrence these days.  Elena wants to leave, Bonnie steps aside, Elena opens the door and promptly runs smack into a mystical barrier.  She snits, Bonnie says it's for the best and Jeremy sits on the steps looking like a fucking model.  Welcome to this week's installment of Steven McQueen Is 22, I Am Not A Pervert. 

Tomb of the undead hot people.  Stefan can't BELIEVE that Damon (and Bonnie and Jeremy) magically locked Elena in the house but Damon's like "dude, be glad you're in there and not out here where Elena's stupid plan is crapping up our stupid plans right and left!"  Then Damon gives his brother the care package he lovingly put together, and a bottle of blood which Stefan won't take on account of he doesn't want Katherine to get any of it.  Sniping from Katherine, snarking from Damon, promises to free Stefan as soon as the moonstone issue is resolved, martyry requests from Stefan to worry less about him and more about protecting Elena, looks of bonding from the brothers, eye rolling and sighing from Katherine, fin.

Lockwood estate.  Mrs. Interim Mayor finds her son hefting the world's heaviest gym bag toward the door and he lies that he's off to lunch at The Grill followed by practice and partying so she shouldn't wait up.  Just as he's leaving, the doorbell rings and it's Jules, the pretty girl who might have been sleeping with Hot Uncle Mason.  She's there looking for her old friend and introduces herself to Tyler as if she'd heard so much about him from Mason.  Hand shakes and pleasantries are exchanged.  The Lockwoods are shocked to hear that Mason is not in Florida where his single, random text message told them he was. 

At The Grill, Jenna is trying to turn Alaric on with talk of the volunteer work she's doing with the Historical Society.  Poor Jenna.  Tyler arrives and promptly tells Caroline about Jules and then the two of them head out for Wolf Watch 2010.  On the way out, Caroline and Alaric exchange The Meaningful Look Of People In The Know. 

Damon arrives at the Gilbert Detention Center and promptly gets the cold shoulder from Elena.  "Do you think this is funny?" she asks him.  "Yes, Elena.  I find hilarity in the lengths that I have to go to to repeatedly save your life," he replies.  That makes one of us.  They converse about Stefan being kept in the dark about continued undeadness of Elijah and then Damon inquires as to the whereabouts of Hocus Pocus Bennet.  Jeremy arrives then just so the two of them can have an exchange that reminds me how much I love it when the various members of Team (Stupid But Still) Awesome work together.  Jeremy thought Bonnie was with Damon but Damon says, no - Bonnie is on moonstone duty, Damon is babysitting Elena and "Vampire Barbie" is on werewolf patrol.  Damon gets a call from Alaric then, alerting him to the Jules situation.  Damon shuffles the team assignments moving Jeremy to babysitting duty while he and Alaric team up for Jules watch.  Jeremy plops down on the couch with a grin, his head on his sister's leg, while Damon makes a joke at her expense.  She heaves a pillow at Damon and then shoves her brother off the couch.  Hee.

Woods.  We get a beauty shot of Caroline's Ford Fiesta and some "maybe Mason's just off surfing somewhere" talk before Caroline and Tyler head down into the Lockwood Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down Cellar. 

Elsewhere on the Lockwood property, Mrs. Interim Mayor is promising to call Jules if she hears from Mason.  Jules makes a big deal about wanting to say goodbye to Tyler and Mrs. Interim Mayor says he's at the grill with his friends but she'll tell him Jules said farewell.  If I were the mother of any teenage boy, but particularly one as good looking as Tyler, and an older woman with a black, lacy bra sticking 2/3 of the way out of her shirt showed that much interest in saying ANYTHING to him, I would call the cops. 

In her car, Jules calls someone to tell them that she's arrived in Mystic Falls and the person was right - Mason lied and there is another werewolf who happens to be Mason's nephew. 

Grill.  Jules flags down Matt (I'll never be tired of how good Matt looks in his Grill t-shirt...I'm sorry, let me rephrase that, I'll never be tired of how good Matt looks.) to ask him if he knows Tyler Lockwood.  The camera cuts away before we hear Matt's answer which I'm guessing was "do I?  He once made out with my mom and then beat the shit out of me. Plus, a couple of weeks ago I picked a fight with him that resulted in a really annoying girl getting killed and now he's trying to steal the love of my life right out from under me.  Why do you ask?"  Over at the bar, Damon and Alaric eye Jules and discuss the whereabouts of Mason's formerly hot body.  Jules and her visible undergarment thank Matt and he smiles in return.  And that'll do it for Zach Roerig's two barely audible words and 57 seconds this episode.  See ya in January, Zach.  Alaric wonders if Jules is a werewolf and Damon hopes not but whips out some wolfsbane and another stupid plan to find out. 

Lockwood Cage For Almost Wolves.  Tyler is checking and rechecking the security of this chains.  Caroline mixes him up a wolfsbane shake and looks concerned.  Tyler takes his shirt off and Caroline averts her eyes with an "oh my God, you're not...gonna get naked are you?" which is the EXACT opposite of my reaction to this development.  Tyler then tugs the waistband of his pants away from his unbelievably well-toned stomach and tells her it's elastic (I'm honestly not sure how that's an answer to her question, but I don't really care) before saying "I don't think it's like the Incredible Hulk where I get to keep my pants."  She takes a deep breath because it's obviously going to be harder for her to remember she loves Matt if Tyler is going to be naked.  I'm having the same problem over here, Caroline. 

Bonnie's gone over to the Dub Hub to return Luka's necklace and apologize for raping his soul last night.  I mean, I think it was last night...I'm hazy on the timeline of events that's unfolding here.  Whatever, at first he's all mad at her and then she starts to apologize and before she can even tell him that there's big-time shit going down, he forgives her.  Then he smiles and invites her in.  Every time these two smile at each other, God kills a puppy.  True story.  inside the Dub Hub, Luka shows off his dad's enormous grimoire collection.  Oooh, he really does know how to impress the ladies.  The flirting goes on for a while but I can't hear what they're saying over the sound of the puppy screams.  The upshot is that he's going to help her find out how to break the bond between the sun and moon spell and the moonstone.  I'm going to go hug my dog before these two have another scene together. 

Grill.  Jules is at the bar when a sloppily drunk Alaric sits down next to her and orders himself another scotch along with "one of whatever this beautiful woman is drinking."  She says that one is her limit and he smiles at her.  His looks and devilishly-adorable smile are the only reason she hasn't slid off her bar stool and left by now.  Small talk about his drinking problem and her being new to town until Damon comes over to be chivalrous.  The bartender sets down the drinks, Alaric none-too-subtlely spikes hers with wolfsbane before sliding it in front of her and then leaving.  He'd make a terrible date-rapist.  Jules does not drink her drink and Damon and Alaric make eyes at each other from across the bar.  

In the tomb, Stefan is trying to grab a few winks on a bench (there are benches in there now? When did they furnish that place?) while Katherine makes with the complaining.  I continue to marvel at Katherine's ability to sex up literally everything she says because she's all rubbing Stefan's thigh and fiddling with his belt and heavy-breathing her way through a description of how painful desiccation is.  Her sexy voice is apparently contagious because Stefan sits up and gets all seductively whispery when he tells her that he'll get more pleasure watching her suffer than pain from wasting away.  I think I won't be taking on tips on foreplay from these two.  Katherine takes this opportunity to remind us that she's been locked in the tomb for several days now without any means of bathing, and slips out of her party dress, the better to taunt him in her underwear.  She slinks down to him, rubbing his chest, and talking about how Damon has Elena all to himself and will therefore not be in much rush to free Stefan.  Aaaand, kissing.  His shirt comes off, there's grunting and panting and bodies slamming into each other and walls and then Stefan wakes up, gasping for air and pretty pissed at how turned on he got by that hot tomb-sex dream Katherine just "forced" him to have. 

At the Gilbert House Of The Boringly Incarcerated, Jenna is once again regaling us with stories of her work with the Historical Society.  If it weren't for all the Alaric sex she gets to have, I'd have this woman on suicide watch, that's how boring her life is.  When Jenna closes the closet door, Elijah is standing behind it smiling, the shock of which nearly causes Elena to die of a heart attack on the spot.  He merely introduces himself and sends us into commercial.  Heh, Elijah is such a scamp! 

When we come back, Jenna is telling Elena that Elijah is a writer who's doing a thing with some stuff...whatever, his cover story and her riveting Historical Society hoo ha are related.  He makes to leave and pointedly thanks Jenna for inviting him into her home.  He hopes to see Elena again sometime soon which appears to scare the bajeesus out of Elena who quickly runs upstairs and pounds on Jeremy's bedroom door.  Before Jeremy can answer, The Dapper One appears next to her in the hall and shushes her.  When Jeremy opens the door, removing his noise cancelling headphones (way to babysit there, Jeremy.  I can see Alaric taught you everything he knows on the subject), and asking what's up, Elena lies that Jenna needs help with the boxes.  Elijah wants to chat with Elena alone.

At The Grill Damon is giving accommodation recommendations to Jules who professes to be in town only for tonight.  She tells him she's looking for her friend Mason Lockwood and he puts on a big show of he and Mason being old chums.  He's surprised to hear Mason is missing and she's surprised to hear Mason was friends with Damon.  Damon tries too hard to prod her into drinking her wolfsbane cocktail.  More meaningful looks across the bar between Damon and Alaric. 

The moon is high in the sky and surrounded by ominous clouds.  Underground, Tyler is pacing his cage with chains around his wrists, ankles, legs, waist and neck.  Caroline is sitting nearby and staring into the middle distance, trying not to look directly at his sexy torso.  You know how it is.  They give some bloo blee blah about the time, the moon's apex, the "few hours" during which he'll actually be a wolf, and other technicalities.  He gets this look on his face like he's suddenly decided this is the best moment to run to her and kiss her passionately like he's been meaning to do all day but when he tries, he's quickly brought up short by the chains.  Embarrassing.  He covers by reaching for his wolfsbane-laced water.  I wish they could find out Mason's recipe because while his looked like cloudy, white water, the one they've made Tyler looks like pee.  He appears to be drinking a bottle full of wolf pee.  Big gulp, gagging, spitting, coughing, shouting.  He looks at her lovingly and apologizes for his minor flipout.  She caresses his head and shushes him. 

Back in Elena's room, Eiljah is explaining that he killed the random vamps in Richmond yesterday because he doesn't want her to be taken to Klaus.  He tells her he simply can't have word of the doppelexistence getting out because he doesn't want to break the curse.  Klaus is a paranoid recluse and Elijah is interested in quietly luring him out.  To that end, he'd like to keep her and her friends and family safe while she goes about her life as normal.  When the time is right, he'll stop by, and the two of them will make a visit to Klaus and Elijah will kill ol' cranky pants dead.  He professes to be a man of his word and I totally believe him.  Either Elijah is so good that he's compelling me to believe him through the 4th wall, he really is telling the truth, or I'm ridiculously gullible.  I'm pretty damn satisfied with this entire story no matter how it shakes out.  Elena makes the deal on one condition....

On what appears to be the roof of The Grill, Bonnie is lighing a shit-ton of pillar candles.  The owner of the local Wicks & Sticks franchise probably summers at her Italian villa and gets there on her private jet.  I love that many of the pillars are arranged artfully in an imperfect circle because even when you're trying to save lives, it's important to create a pleasing aesthetic.  Half a dozen puppies die before Bonnie takes out the moonstone and evades questions about the spell's specifics.  They touch hands and another 50 puppies are sent to puppy heaven.  Chanting, stolen glances, puppy death screams, growing flames, floating rocks, showy sparks, faked orgasms.  Why do Kevin Williamson and Julie Plec hate puppies?  Also, a shower of sparks?  FAKE!  Every time the result of a "spell" is all ostentatious like that, you KNOW it's fake.  Did Bonnie learn nothing from her stupid floating Gizmo charade? 

Wolfmitzah Bunker.  Tyler appears to be choking.  I knew the chain around the neck was a bad ideal.  Caroline goes to him to try and calm him while he cries about burning up and tries to pry the chain off of his neck.  She tries to talk him through it.  He tells her she should leave now but she refuses.  Suddenly his arm snaps back and cracks several times in a truly horrifying way that made me shriek.  Michael Trevino's screams and sobs are haunting.  He cries out that it hurts and Caroline looks on in horror. 

Grill.  Damon is still talking about what a mensch Mason was and trying to get Jules to drink up.  She pointedly does not drink and then calls Damon a fool.  Damon tells her she won't find Mason and she should leave town.  She thinks he's stupid to threaten her on a full moon.  Alaric comes over to try and defuse the situation but you know that ain't happening.  Damon isn't afraid of her, she thinks he's an arrogant vampire and tells him he's now "marked." I really think this plan would have worked better if they'd played to their strenghts and Alaric had been the chivalrous "nice guy" while Damon was the creepy drunk.   

Lockwood cellar.  Tyler is lying face down on the ground with Caroline knelt over him.  He tells her there is nothing she can do to help and then more of his bones start snapping and contorting.  She cries and calls his name.  He tells her to leave so he won't hurt her.  She goes to him instead, holding him and trying to comfort him. 

Outside The Grill Damon is worked into a tizzy and wants to find Jules and get her to explain what the hell she meant by "marked."  Alaric is trying to calm him down.  He points out the full moon and reminds him that if the legend is true then one bite from Jules and Damon is D-E-A-D dead.  There is a hint of panic in his voice as he sends his BFF home to lock his doors and be safe until morning.  He can't live without you, Damon.  Don't make him try. 

In the cellar, Tyler is once again exhausted on the floor.  He looks barely conscious as Caroline holds him.  Suddenly the panting starts again and he insists she leave.  SNAP!  She lovingly touches his gorgeous arm.  SCREAM!  She snaps away and he bears his now-wolfier teeth at her.  She looks freaked even though they look a lot like her vamp teeth if you ask me.  He barks at her, like actually barks, and she vampspeeds to the doorway, out of his chain-restricted reach.  He flips over onto his hands like a break dancer before settling into a decidedly K-9 crouch.  She shuts the gate and fidgets with the chains to lock it.  He pulls his chain free of the big metal hook in the middle of the floor.  She cries and he lunges at her.  She backs out of the room and slams the door behind her, falling to the ground in tears.  More lunging and screaming and cracking horribleness inside as Tyler sprouts hair all over his body and then...shrinks into the wolf.  Yeah, it's all truly gut-wrenchingly awful until you see that his wolf self is actually about 1/4 his size.  The transformation is way more terrifying than the finished product is all I'm saying.  Still, the effects of this entire thing were exceptionally well done and there aren't enough glowing adjectives in the world to describe Michael Trevino's performance - or that of Candice Accola, who may have mostly been supporting there but supported the fuck out of every second. 

Oh yeah, there's more scene here.  Anyway, eery silence before Wolf-Ty breaks through the gate and comes crashing into the door, snarlingly trying to break loose and kill Caroline.  Car stands on the other side of the door using her vampstrength to keep it closed and crying his name.  She finally barricades the door and vampspeeds out of the cellar and through the woods. 

Salvatore manse.  Damon arrives home and looks worried by something he senses in the house.  He finds Rose in the library wearing maybe the ugliest top I've ever seen in my life.  If she was trying to take my mind off of her hair, she succeeded...at least temporarily.  She apologizes and he forgives - because he LIKES her - and then something crashes through the window.  He grabs a sword off the wall (ha!) right before the two of them come face to face to face with a snarling Were-Jules.  Were-Jules lunges at Damon but Rose shoves him out of the way and is attacked herself.  W-J takes a great big bite out of Rose's shoulder and then bounds out the window.  Damon runs to Rose and they watch as the would heals.  He's relieved that the legend is crap and she's hysterical over her near death experience.  He holds her, strokes her hair and tells her she'll be ok.  Excuse me while I skip around and sing "Damon has a girlfriend."

Luka arrives home to the Dub Hub, all smiles.  I vomit.  Dr. W asks his son, "you were successful?"  Luka confirms.  "She fell for the whole...show, and didn't suspect a thing."  To his credit, he appears to feel bad about that but - I TOLD YOU ALL HE WA BAD NEWS!  Dead puppies aside, he's got to GO!  Luka gives Doc the un-exploded moonstone and some attitude.  Doc tells Luka they have one more thing to do for Elijah before the full moon is over and we cut to...

The tomb.  Katherine, still leaning seductively against the wall, is prodding Stefan to talk to her.  He'd rather not.  She isn't sorry for being a selfish pain in everyone's ass and he isn't surprised.  Way to win yer fella, Kat.  He asks her to prove that she's worth trusting.  He flirts with her a little.  She offers to help him find Klaus.  He wonders what her price will be.  She tells him to ask Isobel how to find Klaus because of all her vampy research.  They hear a crash and make for the exit where they find Elijah in the vestibule.  Katherine is scared shitless.  I love the confirmation that Elijah is even more supremely badass and scary than Katherine almost as I love his bone structure.  Elijah mentions that Elena requested that Stefan be let out of the tomb and so he's free to leave.  Stefan exits tentatively.  Katherine tries to run out but is swiftly stopped by a mystical barrier.  Elijah works his extra-strength mojo on her and tells her to stay put until Klaus arrives.  He tells Stefan to run along and get the explanation of events from Elena, promising once again to keep his word so long as Elena keeps hers.  Elijah leaves, Katherine begs Stefan to get her out, Stefan bids her toodles and scampers off to find his girlfriend. 

Woods.  Caroline stands alone in the fog, listening to the creepy sounds of birds flapping by.  She wanders back toward the cellar and tentatively enters.  She finds Tyler huddled naked on the floor.  She covers him with a blanket, takes him in her arms and comforts him, telling him he didn't get out and he's ok.  "No I'm not," he cries, and she hugs him.  He reaches up and touches her hand while Howie Day sings about "the longest night."  Who you tellin', Howie? 

Elena is brooding in her room when Stefan arrives, all smiles.  They hug and kiss and hold each other's faces and get in some quality bed time.  Good for them. 

Salvatore library.  Damon is telling a freshly showered and be-robed Rose that he heard from Caroline and Tyler was safe, sound and contained all night so it wasn't he who attacked them.  Duh.  They agree to resume their special friends with benefits relationship.  Then they make out and when he touches her shoulder she cringes in pain.  They remove the robe to find a hideous rash spreading down her back from where the bite was.  Dun!

Werewolves and vampires and doppel-grudges. Boys in chains with sweat and dirt smudges.  Hormones and heartbreaks and magic rings.  These are a few of my favorite things.  

When the wolf bites, when the vervain stings, when the hiatus drags, I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad.

Happy holidays.  See you in 7 weeks.  Gulp! 

Waiting Waiting Waiting

Oh, Vampire Diaries, you big tease! The entirety of "Sacrifice" felt like deliciously excruciating foreplay as nearly every character came within a breath of making out with another but no one ever kissed.


When the action starts Elena is snoozing in bed and hears some noises so she gets up to investigate and instead of finding Dr. Warlock creeping around in her bathroom, she runs into an underwear-clad Alaric coming up the stairs with his bowl of post-coital Chunky Monkey, while a totally sex-haired Jenna trails behind (enjoying the view I'm sure). I guess it was supposed to seem awkward but between how much we all appreciate a shirtless Matt Davis and how Elena keeps steeling glances down to Alaric's undies, it didn't seem that awkward to me. While Elena's out in the hall talking to her aunt about how her history teacher is really good in bed, Dr. Warlock is rifling through her things stealing several pieces of jewelry, some hair and the brush it came in, and a picture of Elena in her cheer leading uniform all of which makes me think that there may be something more than a spell afoot - like a touch of kleptomania and maybe some pedophilia? I'm just sayin'.


The next morning the Salvatores stop by the Gilbert house to tell Elena about how they visited Katherine in the tomb and asked her nicely to give them the moonstone. She snarked at them and they snarked back and she let us all know where her priorities lie when she asked to be let out on account of being starving, and dirty, "but above all," bored. Isn't it just like her to put screwing [with] people ahead of everything? Katherine makes such a good bad guy that I hope she never dies. Anyway, she agrees to cough up the stone if they get her out of the tomb so now they've got a plan which they're telling Elena about. Bonnie will temporarily disable the spell, they'll slip in and take the stone from Katherine by force then duck out again while Bonnie puts the shields back up, leaving Kat in the tomb for good. Then Bonnie will work some more magic and "destroy" the moonstone, thereby breaking the curse and negating the usefulness of the doppelganger as anything other than a pretty thing for a couple of undead brothers to fight over. Elena objects on the grounds that she doesn't want anyone to do anything in the service of protecting her that might get them killed.


School. Huh, I keep forgetting these people even go to school. Anyway, Bonnie is walking with Luka, talking about witchy things. He's shocked that Grams didn't tell her she was a witch until she was in high school and she tells him about how it wears her out physically when she does magic. He tells her that she can draw extra power from nature, the elements and channeling another witch's power. He holds her bracelet, she holds his necklace, they concentrate and a mighty wind kicks up. Things turn icky when she starts acting like all this showy, mystical nonsense is giving her a magical orgasm. Jeremy happens by then with a lame comment about the weather. Luka takes his leave, Jeremy calls him weird and Bonnie gets defensive. Bonnie is adorable when she flirts and I have no real reason to dislike Luka (other than his unfortunate facial hair and my bad feeling about the true intentions of he and his father), but I'm not having it. Time for Luka to go bye-bye now so Bonnie can rededicate herself to hooking up with Jeremy. Anyway, Bonnie is left with his necklace, which she looks at meaningfully until she gets a call from Damon on her cell.

Elena lets herself into the Salvatore manse and finds Rose in a state of undress. An awkward moment ensues where Elena knows that Rose is having the Damon sex and tries too hard to act (for herself as much as for anyone) that she doesn't care but if you aren't jealous of a person having the Damon sex then you probably don't have eyes...or genitals. Elena gets down to brass tacks and we skip ahead to where Rose thinks it's a terrible idea for the two of them to have Slater put the word out that Elena is alive and well and ready to be shipped off to Klaus for sacrificing. Elena keeps being annoying (seriously, her "please everyone, stop caring about me and trying to save me" crap has grown beyond tiresome. She was a lot more fun when she wasn't trying so hard to be selfless) and kind of rude to Rose before offering to pay Rose for her help in the form of SPF jewelry that she'll get Bonnie to make. There is virtually no way in hell that will ever happen, poor Rose and her atrocious hair just got duped.


Tyler is shooting hoops (pretty badly) at school when Matt finds him. Matt apologizes for what went down at the Masquerade ball and barely holds back tears as he does so. Tyler accepts his apology and Matt sadly walks away, promptly running into Caroline. She asks how he is and he tells her he's been better. He looks at her for a while, clearly wanting to say something but not able, and then heads off to class. Matt Donovan needs a hug more than everyone else put together, ALL THE TIME!


When Matt's gone, Caroline heads over to talk to Tyler. "You two still on the outs?" he asks, which she confirms. She reminds him that the full moon is fast approaching and he gives her a little friendly shit about focusing on her own vampire problems and leaving his wolf problems to him. He has a plan, she'd like to know what it is and when he wonders why she thinks she can help, she gives him an abbreviated list of ways in which she's awesome.


Manse. Bonnie's going to lift the spell just long enough for the brothers to run in and grab the stone and run out. Jeremy correctly argues that what she just described killed her grams a few months ago so how the fuck is she planning to pull it off? There's some blah blah blahing during which Damon admits the plan is not good and Jeremy offers to run in and get it - no spells necessary - with his death-defying ring. Damon scoffs/insults. Bonnie gets back on topic and asks for something that belongs to Katherine.


Rose and Elena arrive at Slater's ginormous loft apartment. They bust down the door, find him dead, and snoop around. They find the first really unattractive person this show has ever hired, a sobbing girl named Alice, hiding in the closet.

Back at Stupid Plans R Us World Headquarters, Stefan gives Bonnie the picture of Katherine that we see every week in the previouslies. She puts it in a bowl, sprinkles a little water on it and sets it alight with her mind. She tells them that she's turning it to ash that will, when sprinkled on Katherine, render her immobile temporarily. Then she gets a nose bleed which only Jeremy sees. I'll buy that the Slavatores don't SEE the blood, but are you telling me they can't smell it? I mean, fresh, warm blood is INCHES from both of them and nothing? I must call bullshit.

Woods. Caroline and Tyler are having a heart-to-heart on their way to the old Lockwood Wolf Dungeon. Tyler notes that Matt is pretty sad but that he understands why she would want to keep her distance from him, saying "you can't be honest with him. It's not really fair to be with someone and not really let them know who you are. I get it." She looks sad and contemplative and then they arrive at the dungeon, which she accidentally tells him she knows about. He's surprised. She backtracks and he shrugs it off. Down they go. There's a whole inspection of chains and bolts and Tyler says that Mason "bolted" before Tyler's curse was triggered so he didn't really get to learn much from his uncle. Caroline finds a journal hidden behind a grate and Tyler reads a bit of it, determining that it's Mason's diary of his "change" and now I have this mental picture of Mason, laying in bed every night, writing in his diary like a 13 year old girl. God, I miss Uncle Mason! Anyway, at the back of the journal, they find a memory card.


Stupid Plans R Us World Headquarters. Bonnie dumps the ashes out of a bowl, onto the credenza (wasted step, much?) while Stefan heads off to get torches and Damon goes to get Alaric's stake gun out of his trunk. How much do I love that Alaric lets Damon keep bits of his arsenal indefinitely? So much. Jeremy waits until the brothers leave to admonish Bonnie for trying to do shit she's not strong enough to pull off. She doesn't want the super vamp hearing to pick up on the convo so she gets REALLY close to him and puts her finger to his lips. Jeremy's pants get tighter. The two of them whisper about how he doesn't want her to get hurt and she doesn't want Elena to die, then they flirt for a microsecond and she goes to get him a Ziploc bag for the ashes. When she isn't looking he surreptitiously grabs a handful of ash for himself.


Back at Slater's Rose has no sympathy for Alice's faux devastation because Alice was a fang hag - a revelation that made me lose a fair amount of respect for Slater, rest his soul. Also, I could have sworn I was getting a bit of a gay vibe from Slater but, you know, whatever. Elena decides to use this information to bribe Alice into helping them hack into Slater's computer and get the doppelword out to the Klaus minions. If Alice will help them, Rose will vamp her. Alice promptly forgets she's in mourning and springs into action. Rose is all, "I'm not making THAT girl immortal, no way, no how" and Elena confirms that she's totally taking advantage of the fang hag's stupidity. There's a thing with a(nother - Alice?) Twilight reference that I'm just going to blow right past because we're all better than that, and then Elena has Alice put the doppelword out. Rose is pissed and Elena doesn't care.


Tomb. Jeremy shows up with a stupid plan and a sexy face - same old, same old. Katherine taunts him. He uses an Alaric stake shooting thingamajig to get her in the gut, then dusts her with a handful of magic ashes incapacitating her. Then he goes into the tomb and searches her person but doesn't find the moonstone so he VERY SLOWLY goes deeper into the tomb and has a look around. When he finds the stone - laid out on an alter behind a little gate because Katherine obviously has a sense of humor - he spends about 20 minutes holding it up and gawking at it before he turns around and jogs toward the exit. Katherine has regained her faculties in the week and a half that he's been in there, and attacks him. Just when you think our Jeremy is nothing more than a (very) pretty face, he at least has the good sense to toss the stone out of the tomb door while she's sinking her teeth into his scrumptious neck.


Topside, the Salvatores and Bonnie are fixin' to head in and commence the original stupid plan when Damon gets a call from Rose who would like him to be aware of what shit is hitting the fan in Richmond. He runs off to rescue Elena from her stupid plan - you practically need a diagram to keep track of all the stupid plans happening in this episode. Down in the tomb's vestibule, Stefan and Bonnie notice that the moonstone is already out of the tomb and they both wonder how the hell it got there. Katherine dangles Jeremy in front of them while his blood drips from her mouth. Bonnie furrows her brow and Katherine explains that his death-defying ring will allow her to kill him over and over all night so she's going to take her new toy in the back and they should give her a holler when they unlock the tomb.


Meanwhile, in parts unknown, Dr. Warlock has assembled the truckload of crap he stole from Elena's room on a table in front of Elijah and is ready to show of some fancy magic. Dr. W does a thing and says some stuff and tells Elijah to look for Elena and we cut to Slater's zillion dollar apartment where Elena is gazing out the window when Elijah's reflection appears in the window as if he were standing behind her. She whips around in panic but no one is there. Elijah opens his eyes back in Mystic Falls and knows just where to find her.


Down in the vestibule, Stefan doesn't know where the hell Damon disappeared to and Bonnie doesn't want to wait any longer to save Jeremy. Bonnie starts, holding Luka's necklace, and we cut to the Warlock house where Luka is just arriving. Chant, chant, chant in the vestibule. Luka feels weird, touches his chest as if looking for something that's supposed to be hanging there, and looks pensive.


Tyler and Caroline have come back to her house to fire up the laptop and find out who Mason thinks will ask him to the big dance. I make these jokes because what we're about to watch is INCREDIBLY painful, you guys. So Car flips through the journal and Tyler puts the memory card into the laptop and finds a video. Mason! God I missed his beautiful face! So Caroline finds the passages in the book that correspond to the video. We see Mason chaining himself up in his garage as Caroline narrates from the journal. We see him drink his funny water and she tells us that he'd mixed wolfsbane into it to diminish his strength. Mason writhes on the floor, sweating, crying, screaming in pain and anguish. Tyler watches, his face contorting into a painful mixture of fear, dread and terror. Tyler freaks over the hours upon hours that the transformation lasts. No longer able to hold back his tears, he tells Caroline he can't go through that.


Jokes aside - Michael Trevino was AMAZING in that scene.


Richmond. Damon has arrived to take Elena home. She's pissed that Rose tipped him off and is unwilling to leave with him. Damon leans heavy on the angry eyes and she whines about how nothing is ever her decision and how she doesn't want to be saved. She hilariously tries to punch him and, seriously, it's like the most pitiful-looking punch I've ever seen. I'd expect any self respecting girl with a brother to have a much tougher right hook than that. Damon gets really, really, REALLY close to her face, looks from her eyes to her mouth and back again, then tells her not to do that ever again. He looks at her lips again and then walks away without kissing her, even though he CLEARLY wanted to.


Abra cadabra goes the witch in the tomb hole. Katherine drags Jeremy out to see what progress has been made. Jeremy begs Stefan to stop Bonnie who is not, in his estimation, strong enough to pull this off. Cut to Luka doing his homework at home when he's suddenly stricken with chest pains. Dr. W wants to know what's up and Luka explains that Bonnie is channeling him. The Doc ain't happy about this development and starts to scold his son but then Luka gets a nose bleed and collapses to the floor. Hocus pocus, Bonnie's nose bleeds and Jeremy begs Stefan to stop her while Katherine gives him an elbow to the nose for disrupting the proceedings. That's fair. Alacazam. Luka screams in pain and clutches his head and Dr. Dub touches him firmly and the whole thing stops. Bonnie loses her mojo and falls to the ground.


Stefan tries to wake Bonnie and Katherine gets all crabby and impatient. Bonnie finally fesses up that even with help, she isn't strong enough to open the tomb. Katherine thinks that's a shame and snacks on Jeremy some more. Stefan can't watch that happen so he vampspeeds into the tomb, shoving Jeremy out and getting stuck in there himself. Bonnie rushes to Jeremy's aid, hugging him tight. Stefan looks out of the tomb at them and thinks "oh shit, I probably should have thought this through a little better." Katherine smiles because, as playthings go, she obviously feels like she traded up. I think it was a lateral move at best but I wouldn't scoff at being stuck in a tomb with either one of them.


Forbes house. Caroline doesn't think they should read any more of What To Expect When You're Expecting To Wolf-Out. She tries to look at the bright side (the transformation speeds up over time) and line the whole thing with silver (if he can just get through the first one, then everything will be a-ok) because that's another of the many, many, many ways that Caroline is awesome. Tyler downs some Scotch and asks why she's helping him. He's never considered them friends and he can't understand why someone he knew his entire life, but didn't like at all, would suddenly want to help him under really crapalicious circumstances. She tells him it seems to her like he kinda needs someone to help and to care. And she knows what it's like to turn into a monster alone - to be scared and out of control. She ended up killing someone and she doesn't want that to happen to him. When she is explaining this to him, they're sitting side by side on her couch. She says the word "urges" and he, like, totally wrinkles up his eyebrow before softening his entire face and starting to steel glances at her lips. It's the international sign for "I'm totally thinking about kissing you right now." I'm busy yelling at him to kiss her al-freaking-ready when the doorbell rings and Car goes to answer it.


It's Matt! Caroline goes out on the porch and closes the door behind her. He apologizes for not calling first and and tells her he misses her. They smile at each other and OH MY GOD, you guys! Zach Roerig has THE best smile in the history of the world! Just when they're having this moment and I think they might kiss and get back together and get married and live happily ever after like I've always wanted them to, Tyler opens the door and ruins everything with such swiftness that I would swear he's been taking lessons from Marti on Hellcats. Damn you, Tyler! Matt's taken aback by seeing his best friend - who, to his knowledge, kind of hates Caroline - at his ex-girlfriend's house. Tyler appears to be surprised to see Matt too but the look that immediately follows is more "I've decided I like her so I would prefer if you two never have another moment again, ever. Kaythanksbye." The bottom line is that Caroline was almost but totally not kissed by two very dreamy boys in the span of a few seconds. Tragic.


Richmond. Three random vamps bust in to "meet the doppelganger." Elena tries to introduce herself but Damon interrupts and then Elijah kills one of them with a very crunchy sound effect. Rose lays one eye on the Dapper One and vampspeeds on out of there faster than you can say "buy a wig while you're gone!" Damon expresses his confusion at Elijah's non-deadness and then the two remaining randoms tell him how they want to curry favor with Klaus by making his doppelwish come true. Elijah confirms that no one else knows they're there and then in one fantastically swift move, rips the hearts out of both their chests, drops the hearts on the floor and vampspeeds away. Damon and Elena stare at the door and each other, mouths agape.


Elijah and Dr. Dub confer at the Dub Hub later that night. Doc is surprised to hear that Elijah didn't kill Damon and The Dapper One explains that the two brothers would sooner die than let anything happen to Elena so they're just the kind of useful protection that he needs around her to keep her safe. Wha? Oh, Elijah! You are a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, and ensconced in designer clothes, and I LOVE IT!


Gilbert abode. Jeremy and Bonnie enter the kitchen bickering about which one of them is more reckless and stupid. I think they're over-looking the likely possibility that it's a tie. She wants to know why he had to get involved in the first place and he tells her it's because he didn't want her to get hurt. "Jeremy, you can't...feel that way about me," she tells him. He tells her not to act like it's all one-sided, "like, I'm some kid who has a crush on his sister's friend." She doesn't protest. Then he goes to her, touches her face, and tells her that she could have died. She tells him he almost did die today. He was willing to take that chance. She shifts her weight and moves closer to him. He takes a step toward her, still holding her face in his hand. He goes in for the kiss and she closes her eyes, squeezing out several tears and tells him that they can't. DAMN YOU, BONNIE! She tells him that she can't, she apologizes and then leaves, looking back at him on her way out. In my entire life I have never seen so many painfully attractive people have this much trouble hooking up with one another. It's madness.


Gilbert porch. Elena thanks Damon for bringing her home and he makes "Rose is a doody-head" noises that prove (again) that Damon gets his feelings hurt just like real boys. Jeremy comes out to the porch and tells them about how Stefan is locked in a mystical cage with his crazy ex. Elena and Damon run off to the tomb and just before Elena charges in half cocked, Damon stops her. More fighting that Katherine and Stefan listen to for a bit before Elena just finally tires of fighting with him and leaves in exhaustion. Stefan finally comes to the door. Damon thinks whatever landed Stefan in the tomb should win the Stupidest Plan Of The Night award and since it was technically the result of three spectacularly stupid plans running smack into each other that was the culprit, I'll go ahead and agree. Damon promises to find a way to get him out and Stefan isn't too worried about it but he would like the majority of Damon's energy to go toward working with Bonnie to de-spell the moonstone and to keeping Elena safe. Damon promises and leaves and Katherine tells Stefan that was his biggest mistake yet. She only says that because she didn't come back to town until after he cut his hair.


Next week: the only thing we know for sure is that SOMEONE will make out on this show for a fucking change. Good enough for me.

Can't We All Just Disagree?

I guess the Glee writers are capable of getting it right once in a while.  That is to say, they can work movie homages into the show with some degree of organic storytelling and it was nice to finally see evidence of that with "Sue The Grinch." 

"A Very Glee Christmas" is just how I like my Glee - full to the brim with music, plenty of fluff with a heartwarming finish and very little "story."  I liked the songs and I loved the shamelessly Christmasy, sappiness.  I could have done without the Finn and Rachel breakup boringness but that's a fairly minor thing I was able to ignore as soon as the singing started. 

Apparently a lot of the internet thought this was one of the weakest episodes of the show yet but the internet and I often don't see eye to eye on these things.  I'm ok with that.  I'm a sucker for special holiday episodes and I don't really care who knows it. 

One Tree Hill skipped the Christmas ep and went for one of their patented "people might probably almost totally die, but not really" mid-season finales, sending the residents of our favorite fictional North Carolina 'burb a late-November hurricane and also a psychotic murderer.  Merry Christmas! 

Jamie took a dive in his spelling bee so that his little girlfriend could win then was driven home with Chuck and the girlfriend by Miss Lauren.  But it was like The Perfect Storm out so Miss Lauren's car turned over on the bridge - the one the limo went off after Hailey and Nathan's second wedding.  Luckily, Brooke and Julian had just been having a big fight about something ridiculous and she was driving to clear her head when she came upon them.  Chuck had a head injury and was losing consciousness.  Jamie and his girlfriend were ok but he was stuck in his seat belt and Miss Lauren was knocked unconscious.  By the time Chuck passed out Brooke had freed Lauren so Lauren took Chuck and Girlfriend to the hospital while Brooke stayed behind to try and cut Jamie out of the seat belt.  They kept showing a downed power line all ominous like so we'd think they were totally going to be electrocuted but then Julian arrived on the bridge just in time for some reckless-driving dickhead to hit the overturned car and send it careening into the river below. 

Julian jumped in after to try and save Jamie and Brooke - whose leg was now trapped under the steering wheel.  That's naturally when the levee broke and began to drown them.  Long story short?  Julian gets Jame out, then comes back for Brooke but doesn't free her before she stops breathing.  There's CPR for, like, 20 minutes and then she's fine.  By my count, that's 4 people on this show who've died and then come back in that exact same location.  Tree Hill should consider closing that bridge. 

Elsewhere, Nathan and Haley get a flat tire and Quinn is one again harassed and nearly killed by Dead Ringer.  Seriously, why didn't Quinn and Clay move after the shooting?  Never mind that she someone tried to murder them in that house, but it's 95% windows and 5% stairs - it's a completely impractical place to live when there is a psycho stalking you.  In the end, Quinn shoots Dead Ringer and leaves her to bleed out on the bedroom floor.  Fair's fair.

We never did find out how Chuck and Miss Lauren are - I guess if you're not important enough to get your face in the credit sequence, we aren't supposed to care if you lived or died. 

The internet and the critics who are prone to loving Life Unexpected held this week's episode in the highest esteem but I didn't much enjoy it.  Everyone in the episode was really fantastic except that I hate how selfish Lux is and how the writers don't seem to think that her behavior is selfish at all.  I'm not sure I have the energy to go into a long diatribe with examples of how everything she did during the episode was selfish but when this show ends for the season (forever) I believe I'll do a recap of the whole shebang and examine the many, many, many choices she made to care about herself more than anyone or anything else. 

Suffice to say, in this episode Tasha went to court to determine whether she was guilty of aggravated assault on Trey and we found out that the thing Lux kept not telling everyone was that Trey had molested and attempted to rape her when she was a kid.  We pretty much all saw that coming and I won't belittle that as a tragic, traumatizing and emotional event but I will say that because of the serious nature of all the other things that were happening in this episode - including the first sonogram of Ryan and Cate's baby, Tasha's fate, Lux's past, and the very way that the characters on the show have finally become one family - I found the inclusion of schmoopy Tiny Teacher love unseemly and gross.  And when he told her he loved her I wanted to punch him in his tiny face. 

Despite how often I complain about it, I really do like this show very much - I wouldn't stick with it if I didn't - but I can totally understand why it didn't find a large enough audience even by CW's standards.  People aren't going to like your protagonist just because you tell them they're supposed to, you have to make the person LIKABLE!  And if you can't do that (Dawson's Creek, One Tree Hill: The CMM Years) you can't rely on sap alone to win them over. 

Oh, Life Unexpected!  You had such potential but you just never could step far enough away to see your own flaws and pull it all together.