March 9, 2010

The world's most boring drug deal...

I was so excited for Gossip Girl to come back after being off the air for 3 months that I forgot how boring the show had become. I was braced for soapy awesomeness and what I got was a raging case of narcolepsy.

Jenny is still hanging out with that skeezy, drug-dealing son of probable Euro-trash and basically working as his mule. Classy. She comes up with a plan to sneak drugs into an official event for the French president (or something - I might have been asleep when they explained what the hell this event was) so that they can deliver a shit-ton of pills to Mr. French's bitchy daughter. The plan is to sew them into a replica of the shrug that Bitchy will be wearing to the party and then swap coat check tags.

The plan seems solid enough - for something Jenny came up with anyway - until Skeezy runs into Serena on the street. It seems the two of them were classmates at the boarding school that S attended during her lost year after she "killed" that guy and had dirty on-the-bar sex with Nate at that wedding. Remember? Good times!

And speaking of Nate...he and Serena are a couple now. Well, he apparently left town to spend time with his grandfather about 30 seconds after S got out of the hospital, so their relationship has been limited to late-night sexting so far but now that he's back, they are going to go on their first date to Mr. French's dinner because why WOULDN'T those two be invited to a state dinner? Anyway, armed with a plan to "take it slow" the two of them immediately lose all control over their libidos and end up fucking on Elenore Waldorf's living room floor. Thank God in Heaven that Darota is out of town because that poor woman does NOT need to know what's been happening on the surfaces she's charged with cleaning. And btw, S is the worst house guest ever.

After their tryst, S meets B and Nate meets Dan and the bad advise starts flying fast and furious. Blair thinks that Serena should stop being such an easy slut and start playing hard-to-get bames because if Nate knows she's so easy he won't want her anymore. Never mind that everyone on the PLANET knows that Serena gives it away like cheap candy and Nate has already been the recipient of her sweets before so Blair is making no kind of sense. Meanwhile, Dan has convinced Nate that S will get bored with him if he's too available. So Nate tells Serena that they should go back to the take it slow plan and therefore should NOT go to Mr. French's together. S, in turn, thinks this is Nate being tired of her free milk already and decides to make him jealous. So she asks Skeezy to take her to Mr. French's with him.

And now we're back to the world's most boring drug deal, already in progress. Skeezy tells Jenny that he appreciates her plan but he's taking Serena to the dinner and having her wear the hideous shrug and that pisses Little J off so she decks herself out and tracks down Nate at the front door of the dinner and offers to be his date. Why he agrees is any one's guess. Once inside S and N act like middle-schoolers around each other, and Skeezy tries, and fails in epic fashion, to get S out of the shrug, and Jenny just relishes his crushing defeat because Skeezy really isn't much of a match for our newest Heather.

Finally, Nate and Serena fuck on the coat room floor (or a settee in the coat room - whatever, they are huge with the inappropriate coitus this week) and then Jenny yells at the coat check girl to give the shrug to Bitchy and then she tells Skeezy to ask her out.

In other UES news, Chuck finds his mom but she won't admit she's his mom and then Blair gives her a talking to so we all know the shit is about to fly. And Rufus is all holier than thou with Lilly for kissing Papa Van Der Woodsen so he climbs up onto his mighty high horse, lectures her like a small child about lying and cheating and promptly drops in unannounced to another woman's hotel room. Jackass!

Oh yeah, and Dan is all bummed out because he told Vanessa he loves her and now she's avoiding him. No one in the universe cares.

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