September 9, 2012
How Bachelorette Changed My Life
The movie Bachelorette proposed a theory that will change my life forever.
During a coke-fueled night of prenuptial mayhem, Lizzy Caplan's Gena drops some knowledge on Isla Fisher's Katie: "There are two different types of guys in bed. Number one: Brian Krakow. Didn't have sex 'til college; super grateful; literally makes a home 'down here' - sets up shop, wants to live in it. Number two: Jordan Catalano. Terrified of the area. Won't go near it. Very good looking but, you know, not worth the time if you ask me."
When you first hear it you can't believe what she's saying. Brian Krakow is better in bed than Jordan Catalano. That's absurd. Jordan Catalano is JORDAN CATALANO. Every girl who has ever seen him wants to have complete sex with him. No one is better in bed than Jordan Catalano.
But then it starts to sink in. Jordan Catalano got laid without trying. He had sex with girls and they were grateful that he paid them any attention at all because he's Jordan Catalano. He got off whenever he wanted and then he went back to leaning on things and singing soulful songs about his car. Sex was easy for him to get and easy to take for granted.
By the time Brian Krakow had sex he would have spent hundreds of thousands of hours thinking about it. Of course he would be incredibly grateful once he got to the promised land. He would have done research. He would try hard. He would care more about making a good impression than on getting off.
Women spend their entire lives wanting Jordan Catalano. Assigning him every characteristic their dream man should have because he looks the way the perfect man should look. But Jordan Catalano isn't secretly smart. He isn't secretly romantic. He isn't secretly funny. He isn't secretly anything. Jordan Catalano is just what he appears to be - an attractive, simple guy who does just enough to get by because getting by is good enough for him.
Brian Krakow is better in bed than Jordan Catalano.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go reassess all of my life choices and find myself a Brian Krakow.