Double Dating The Enemy

I would like to start this Vampire Diaries recap off in a thoughtful and interesting way but I can't because all I can think about is Elijah. His return is so perfect I can barely form coherent thoughts. 

Previously: Lots of stuff happened and Elijah was the dreamiest. 

Picking up where we left off last week, with Klaus coming face to face with his big brother. Klaus is like "buh...wha?" and Elijah guesses that means he owes his current non-deadness to someone else. Never one to mince words, Elijah goes ahead and gives his bro a well-deserved beat down. Klaus gets his Christian Bale as Batman voice on and is like "I know I double-crossed you, daggered your dapper ass and then stuck you in a box for a while but seriously? I just had this house renovated so TAKE IT EASY, wouldja?" Elijah thinks maybe not. Fight, wrestle, fight. Klaus opens a coffin, rips the dagger out of the chest of a cute young Original and threatens to send Elijah back to sleepy town. Elijah is like "yes, good! I'll go back to being dead and you and Kol can catch up instead." Klaus looks over at Kol and clearly changes his mind so, I mean, Kol is either bat shit bonkers or has the biggest of all bones to pick with Klaus. Either way, I can already tell I'm going to like Kol.

So Klaus takes a different tack. He starts to tell Elijah that he has a great plan for putting the whole family back together again if he can just get his locked coffin back and destroy Stefan. Elijah, clearly unaware of how long Klaus had all the coffins in his possession and made no move toward a family reunion, pauses to hear his brother out. Klaus also takes this opportunity to lift the unsecured lid off of a tiny medal urn sitting on a small table near the coffins. In a room the two of them were throwing and crashing around in moments ago. He dips the tip of the dagger into the urn letting us all know that it's obviously full of white oak ash, then carefully redaggers Kol. Man, Klaus is soap dishing the HELL out of white oak ash storage, isn't he?

Gilbert's House of Hangovers. Alaric apparently drunk dialed Meredith and, I'll be honest, I'm pretty surprised that drunk dialing hasn't been a problem for Alaric before. Or, I guess maybe Damon is used to it so he just doesn't make an issue out of it anymore? No time to dissect this as Sheriff Liz is at the door. She's come to talk to them about the stake that was used to kill the coroner. It's from the Gilbert's permanent collection from up at the cabin. It has only one set of prints on it and they belong to Elena. Uh oh. They all puzzle a bit about who would know where they keep all the vamp fighting tools and why that person would want it to look like Elena killed someone while I spend a little time thinking about why the Sheriff's office has Elena's fingerprints on file.

Alaric and Elena call Damon and give him the skinny. Damon suggests they interrogate Dr. Fell and Ric tells him to screw off. Damon's sure it's her, Elena is sure it isn't on the grounds that his "luck with women" can't possibly be that tragic. Elena, you could not be more wrong about his luck with women. But yeah, I don't think she did it either. But if not her, whom? Alaric says he's got weapons in all sorts of places that are really important - the house, the apartment, the cabin, the school, Damon's car. So theoretically anyone could happen to find the weapons but who actually knows where they are to begin with? Elena supposes it could be Stefan. Oh hey, speaking of tragic. Damon has to run, Ric wants to know where he is and what he's doing (too needy, Ric. Way too needy), Damon has a date.

It seems that when he removed the dagger from Elijah's chest, he replaced it with a note. I like you. Do you like me? If yes, please meet me in the pretty meadow. xoxo, Damon. Damon and I both take notice of Elijah's new haircut and we both get a little swoony. You guys, there may come a point where he's so dreamy I will lose the ability to write anything but his name. I'm just warning you now. They discuss how Damon wants to kill Klaus and Damon asks Elijah what's in the locked coffin. We don't get to find out if Elijah answers but it doesn't matter because he totally doesn't know.

Damon hid the Mystery Box in those Original caves that vamps can't get into and now Stefan has brought Bonnie and Deadbeat to open it. Deadbeat is unsure about this whole business, Stefan isn't in the mood for any back talk.

Elena stops by the caves for a visit. "Hi, how are you? What's new? Did you kill the medical examiner?" Stefan has never been so insulted. Not just because she would accuse him of such a thing, but because she didn't accuse Damon of it too. Paul Wesley's face in that moment...I can't even. I hardly know whether to laugh or cry he's just so perfect and mad and hurt and bitter and right and wrong all at the same time. It's good stuff.

Caroline is at the hospital to visit her dad and runs into Dr. Fell who is pissed at how ungratefully Bill has been about how she saved his life with the help of some vampire blood. I'm having really strong "WHATEVER, Meredith!" feelings about her right now. Elena shows up at the hospital and the girls find Bill lying in a storage closet, dead from some slashy, stabby wounds.

So now the three main plots of this episode are set up for us and here's where I cut over to the skimmy variety recap because I'm way behind and I would like to get this one done before the next one airs in any time zone.

Bonnie and Deadbeat have some trouble but then Deadbeat figures out that a drawing in the grimoire means that it just takes two generations of witches to unbind what's been bound. Mystery coffin open, contents on the loose. Oh yeah, and those contents totally knocked Bonnie and Deadbeat unconscious on the way out of the caves.

Bill was killed by one of Alaric's knives while he was full of vampire blood and there is nothing he wants less than to be a vampire so he's decided that he will not complete his transition which will, of course, kill him forever. Liz and Caroline spend his last evening with him.

It's incredibly agonizing for Caroline who wants to force him to feed because she can't bear the thought of losing her dad forever but Elena is like, "all he has now is his choice." A nice, accurate sentiment that Dr. Kevorkian and I whole heartedly support but she may not be the best person to make it considering she's been on the instigating end of more than one choice-removing, mind-altering compulsionization. On the other hand, if you've ever known an 18 year old, you know that they can usually rationalize anything so it's not really a stretch for me to believe that she can think she's completely right about both things at the same time.

Caroline and Elena briefly consider the possibility that Tyler is the murderer because - sire bond, blahdy bloo. There is almost no one on this show who doesn't hear someone's been killed and totally think their current squeeze might have done it. How awesome-slash-terrible is that?

Matt comes over to comfort Caroline in her dark time, because he's awesome. Caroline has a lovely final moment with her dad which makes me cry because Caroline always makes me cry. Bill dies.

Elena tells Alaric that another council member was bumped off using one of their weapons and they take inventory. ME was killed with a stake from Damon's car. Bill was done in with a knife kept in a crawl space at the Gilbert house. I can understand that a person with vague knowledge of the group and their hobbies might know to look in Damon's car for a weapon, but the crawl space? This has to be an inside job.

Matt walks Elena home where the two of them find a blood trail leading to a stabbed Alaric. He doesn't know who attacked him and whether they were human or supernatural so they can't wait for him to die. The supernatural doppelganger has to kill him now so they can be sure he doesn't die. Elena stabs him in the heart. Matt and Elena have a good talk while they wait for Ric to un-die. He gasps back to life.

Since we know who couldn't have stabbed Alaric - Elena, Bill, Liz, Caroline, Klaus, Elijah (as if he'd use a weapon - so pedestrian!), Damon, Stefan, Bonnie, and Deadbeat - and the person who did it seems to have had more than just a passing knowledge of where the good weapons are kept, I think Jamie, Mrs. Lockwood, and random werepire minions can safely be ruled out. That leaves a short list of well-loved people who are the most likely culprits. I think it's Jeremy. I think that Klaus found him and over-ruled the Denver compulsion, having him hide out in town and do some of his more horrifying bidding. The thing is, not only is that reasonably plausible, it would make one hell of a fucking reveal and the fall-out could be mined for story six ways to Sunday.

And the main course of the episode: The Double Date. Elijah and Klaus and Damon and Stefan come together to have dinner, play footsie, and talk about their hopes, dreams, desires, and plans for world domination.

Stefan's like, "I don't want any part of this. You were a terrible boyfriend and I'm not ever taking you back no matter how much you beg." Klaus is who he is and he can't change for anyone. Not even Stefan. "We can sit and eat or I can reach down your throats and pull out your insides. The choice is yours," Klaus says. 

Klaus shoots flirty looks across the table at Stefan. Stefan pouts. Damon asks his brother to stop being a grump. Stefan fake smiles. Klaus feels a stirring in his loins. He asks Damon if this is just the evening he had envisioned when he un-killed Elijah. Damon's like "yes, I thought we'd dress up, have dinner, talk about how much we hate you, and make eyes at each other. WINK!" Elijah blushes. Stefan asks if Klaus is still scared of his little sister and Klaus is like "stop being subtle, lover. I already told Elijah that I killed our dad and our mom. He knows my shit, you can't get me in trouble." Damon continues trying to defuse the situation, "Hey Stef, remember when you killed dad? Might want to dial down the judgment." I'm not going to lie, that's an excellent burn.

Eiljah's been in a box for a while so he's a little behind on the relationship dramas and asks Stefan how Elena is. Klaus giggles and fills him in. Stefan and Klaus have breakup eye sex across the table. Klaus giggles some more.

Damon feels left out so he begs for a story. Elijah and Klaus tell the Salvatores about Tatia Petrova whom they fought over when they were just silly humans. Dirty tramp, unwed mom, all the boys wanted a piece, Klaus and Elijah loved her the mostest and Mommy O did not like her boys fighting so she used Katia's blood to turn her kids into vampires. As you do. They were estranged for a while but then their family bond brought them back together. That story does, I suppose, offer some reasonable explanation as to why Petrova blood is the key to, like, everything, but at a dinner full to the brim with ho-yay, it was by far the snooze of the evening.

Damon figures that since that story brought the romance of the night to a screeching halt, they might as well get down to brass tacks. They'll give Klaus the coffin if he'll take his family and leave Mystic Falls, Elena and the Salvatores forever. Klaus isn't having it because without Elena, he's puppyless forever. Klaus makes Damon sad so he steps out and Elijah follows to make sure his little snookums is ok. Klaus eats a waitress and offers Stefan another.

Damon comes back in and lays it down - decision time. Klaus would rather have everything his way and roast Stefan like a marshmallow. He thinks Elena and Matt should get married and have babies. Klaus wants his future kibble to have Matt's eyes. I can't blame him. Damon and Elijah leave to "get the coffin" but return moments later. Klaus wants to know what's up and Elijah unleashes the kids. Klaus sees Kol and shits himself. Finn comes out of nowhere and daggers Klaus in the hand. Bekah pops up and daggers him in the gut, for their mother. Elijah dismisses Stefan and Damon so that they can deal with "family business." My lady parts burst into flames.

Beautiful brotherly moment for Stefan and Damon where they both admit they love her. Neither bothers to mention that they love each other more but they don't really have to. We know.

The Family Original discusses how they're going to leave Klaus alone and turn him into a miserable poop like Mikel. Klaus throws a flailing temper tantrum. Mommy O walks in. Everyone gapes. Klaus cries. He thinks she's there to kill him but instead she forgives him. That's exactly the kind of wooly-headed liberal parenting that leads to a kid who kills everyone when things don't go his way. Also to being eaten. Just saying.