Welcome back, seniors! The Vampire Diaries has officially let us know that they're working on a one season = half a school year timetable (thus prolonging the length of time their drivers-licence-having teenagers can remain in high school). This week we join them on the anniversary of the first time we met. What a long, strange year it's been. Is anyone else feeling nostalgic for the crow and the fog?
So what do we have going on this week? Let's see, we've got an original in town, a new hybrid running around, a vamp-hunting history teacher who's tired of being in an abusive relationship with his BFF, a vamp-hunting vamp who's a very sound sleeper, a doppelganger who's sad because her boyfriend is evil and his brother is hot, a witch who wishes her boyfriend would stop talking to his dead ex-girlfriend, and a really dreamy boy who misses his sister. Here we go.
Elena is feeling kind of broody about how Klaus broke Stefan last week (or, in the timeline of this show, last night) so she's doing what any teenage girl whose undead boyfriend embraced his inner murdering douchebag would do, she's getting up at dawn to practice killing him in the woods with her history teacher. We've all been there.
Alaric is being a hardass and taunting her into being tougher. Ever since the last time Damon killed Ric and Ric went all badass and forced his way onto the council, his hair has gone to hell in a hand basket. He is obviously enjoying his new found power because the Alaric Law of Conversely Proportionate Misery Hair is telling me that he's found inner peace. More's the pity from a strictly sartorial perspective.
But while Alaric and Elena are feeling good about their ability to protect themselves from Stefan and his new evilness, what they're failing to take into account is that Klaus doesn't want Elena dead. She's the only thing on earth that can make his plans for world-domination-through-hybridization a reality so he's left Stefan there to guard her against death and personal destruction. But he's also allowed Stefan to use his free time to piss of his brother, ruin the expensive carpets in the Salvatore Mansion, eat random women, and just be generally douchey so the rest of us are getting something out of this too.
Elena tires of new Stefan rather quickly but I kind of like him. She thinks that they can fix him if they lock him in the dungeon until Mikael comes to town and kills Klaus. Damon doesn't think that's going to work but I think there's some merit in the plan because if his current condition is due to Klaus's compulsion, it'll be reversed when Klaus dies. She's on to something.
Damon takes this opportunity to get kinda sexy with her when he tells her not to try staking a vamp through the sternum and instead to put it in the back, next to the spine, with an upward thrust. If you listen carefully, you can totally hear the Delena contingent sliding right off their chairs during that moment.
Anyway, the plan is that Elena will lure Stefan to a spot where she can drug him and then she and Alaric will take him to the cell where her dad kept her. Damon will distract Rebekah so that she can't rescue Stefan. Damon and Alaric have a tiff and Damon's like "please love me again." But Alaric is holding a serious grudge this time. I'm not going to lie, this breakup has been really hard on me.
Meanwhile, in GhostWorld, Bonnie is pissed that Jeremy KEEPS seeing Anna and he tries to explain it away by saying that he only did it because they needed her help with the Mikael situation. Bonnie would be more apt to buy that if he didn't see Anna right at that moment. Bon is crazy jealous of a dead girl right now which is making her seem the tiniest bit nuts.
Anna has important stuff to talk to Jeremy about though because she knows that Vicki is trying to pull some shit and now that Vicki can talk to Matt directly, the shit is going to be a lot easier to pull. So Jeremy spies on Matt and Vicki and reports back to Anna.
Vicki has asked Matt to be her anchor and do a spell to help her cross back into his world from the hellish place of nothingness in which she's currently trapped. Matt's gullible and he misses his sister and this is kind of his first time dealing with the supernatural forces directly so he goes ahead and does it, freeing Vicki from "the other side" and making her corporeal in Mystic Falls where she promptly tells him that the catch is, now she has to kill Elena because that was the deal she struck with the witch on her side. Matt doesn't love this development so she hits her brother in his beautiful face with a large wrench. There is really no way to quantify how much I want her to go the fuck away again.
At the back to school bonfire (which is, at BEST a small campfire), Elena's plan is set in motion. Damon makes sex eyes at Rebekah and feeds her roasted marshmallows while Elena gets "fake" drunk and "pretends" to try killing herself by falling off the top of the bleachers. Stefan saves her and then Alaric shoots him in the back with a couple of vervain darts. They hustle him to Alaric's SUV and before Alaric can get in the car with them, Vicki sets it on fire with gasoline. Elena and Stefan are stuck inside. Elena rouses Stefan enough for him to use his vampy strength to kick the back of the car open. Alaric pulls them both from the car before it explodes.
Then, rather than re-vervaining a still weak and groggy Stefan and completing the plan, they ditch it entirely and take him home. I honestly don't know what the point of that was. Once they're back at the mansion, Damon tends to Elena's wound while she gets all jealous about how he so convincingly came on to Rebekah. Before they leave, Damon says nice things to Alaric who just shoots him an angry side eye and leaves. This is like being a child of divorce all over again.
Meanwhile, when Matt regained consciousness, he went straight to Bonnie for help because Matt is not dumb. Bonnie and he whip up a spell to send Vicki back where she belongs. Matt cries a little because he thinks he's alone again but he's totally not.
Caroline has spent the day and night worrying about Tyler because he's in that stage of new vampitude where all of his personality traits are being put on blast and unfortunately it's mostly blasting all the awful traits that he had pre-wolfification and because he's wearing a do-rag. When the gang tries to enlist his help in Elena's plan and they mention that this is all the first step in the larger plan to kill Klaus, Tyler's like "you can't kill Klaus, Klaus is awesome. I love him the most." Turns out that he's suffering from Sire Syndrome wherein he develops uncontrollable hero worship for the vamp who sired him. He's Klaus's most loyal pet.
Tyler tries to play it off like it's no big, he can stop being a dick any time he wants. He and Caroline go back to his house and have sex on the couch in his dad's office and as she's leaving, Rebekah arrives with a pre-bloodied girl for Tyler to eat. And eat her he does. Either Tyler and Caroline had sex in the office while his mom was elsewhere in the house (ew!) or someone in quality control missed the part where Rebekah should have needed to be invited in by a living person. And while we're on that subject - she wasn't invited into the Salvatore house by the human owner (Elena) either. And I know, Elena died. But the thing is, Alaric has died several times and been brought back by the power of his magic ring yet he still had to invite Klaus and Damon into his apartment at the end of last season. But let's say the Alaric thing was the anomaly and death always negates the rule, allowing vamps to enter the house any time they damn please. That means that vamps should be able to drop in on the Gilbert house and Matt's without an invite right? I'd just like to get all of this straight so that I know which nits to pick and which ones to ignore from now on.
Anyway, Rebekah. She's enrolled at Mystic Falls High where she's joined the cheerleading squad and dropped a weirdly specific bit of foreshadowing about vikings being the original settlers of the United States. She also wears a feather extension in her hair which I contest she's way too cool for.
Out in the cemetery of sleeping vampires, Katherine is trying really hard to wake Mikeal up but he's in the mother of all REM cycles. She finally drips a little blood from a pretty girl on his lips and he comes to with an order to get bleeding girl away from him. Seems Mikael is a special kind of self-hating vampire who doesn't drink the blood of any living thing and instead, feeds solely of the blood of other vampires. Which we find out when he makes a meal out of Katherine. That reveal was exquisite, by the by. It raises a question about whether or not draining the blood of a vamp will kill them and if so, is that the thing that he can do to kill Klaus? I suspect it isn't because if it were, it seems that any vampire could do that. I think it'd be silly for vamps to be vulnerable to blood draining, but I guess we shall soon see.
Back in Mystic falls, the ghosty mojo that Matt performed seems to have opened the floodgates for all kinds of dead people to come back to town in corporeal form because Jeremy is presently in his room holding hands with Anna. My sis is steadfastly on Team Bonnie and is ready to throw down if he cheats on her with Anna. I've always loved Anna but I'm Team Jeremy so I think he should go with whichever girl makes him happy. On the other hand, I do think it'd be a little creepy if he dumped Bonnie for a ghost.
Damon's home, cleaning up the blood-stained rugs that Stefan's recent escapades have wrought. Vases and heirlooms are tossed around the room by an unseen force. He curses his brother as he bends over to pick up the shards - Damon is so domestic all of a sudden. Next thing you know, he'll be whipping up a casserole and darning his socks. Anyway, as soon as he's prone, he gets punched in the face hard enough to send him flying across the room. Whoever could be feeling this level of animosity for Damon, you wonder? It's none other than UNCLE MASON. FLOOD! GATES! I love this show so much.