I could push you there if you don't stop me.

Pretty Little Liars is just the most perfectly perfect show since The Vampire Diaries.  It knows exactly what it is, it doesn't want to be anything else and it executes on cheesy drama brilliantly. 

The first season went out with a bang last night with major developments for all the girls, a breakup, a (possible) death, two returns, and a shocking affair. 

First, Ezra Fitz quit his job as English teacher at Rosewood High so he can be free to date a teenager.  Also for other career prospects, but mostly so he and Aria can have coffee in public.  Ezra's terribly pretty but he isn't too bright if he thinks being her teacher was the only thing that was keeping their relationship from being acceptable.  He's still statutorily rapey dating a 16 year old while in his mid-twenties.  Anyway, he attends some faculty bash that Byron throws at the house and the two of them are all ready to get their public flirt on when his ex arrives causing Aria to lose her shit and break up with him. 

Meanwhile, Emily found out from her mom that her dad's assignment in Texas was extended and he wants them to move down to be near him for a year.  I don't understand why, if he's in Texas, Emily's first reaction to her mom saying the needed to talk was to ask in horror if something had happened to him.  I mean, I know that sometimes shit goes down on domestic bases but, it seems far less likely than if he were, you know, in the war.  Anyway, as you can imagine, Emily and the girls are distraught over the prospect of being separated during this, their time of tribulation.  If I were Emily I'd be like, "I love you guys but I am so out of here!"  I mean, what are the odds that A has sufficient funds or frequent flier miles to wage a campaign of terror in two non-adjacent states simultaneously? 

Hanna is still sad that Caleb left and her mom is sad that he chickened out of delivering the letter he'd written her.  Hanna confides in Mona, who lacks the necessary compassion to feel shitty for what she did.  Instead she answers Hanna's phone when Caleb calls and tells him to delete Hanna from his phone and his life the way Hanna has deleted him.  He doesn't pipe up and ask how she knew it was him if Hanna had, in fact, deleted his number.  Instead he says nothing at all and hangs up.  When Lucas discovers how heart-broken poor Hanna is, he takes it upon himself to help by driving to Arizona and retrieving Caleb.  I look forward to future sub-plots that involve the BFFness of Lucas and Caleb. 

Oh hey, remember when the girls found that flash drive last week?  Well this week they discover that it's full of surveillance videos of all of them taken through their bedroom windows since they were very young.  They determine that Creeper Ian was the Peeper responsible.  I'm rather interested to know what kind of allowance Ian was getting back in the day that afforded him the ability to purchase such sophisticated peeping equipment that he was able to capture dialogue from inside the rooms as well as the through-the-window images.  I would have expected the sound to be mostly his own heavy breathing.  The video we get to see is a pre-explosion Jenna, undressing Toby and explaining to him how he needs to do what she says because of how easy it was for her to convince everyone that he forced himself on her.  I appreciate the undressing, but Jenna is kind of an Ian-sized creeper herself, no?

In case we weren't all sufficiently squicked Jenna's video, we also find out that she's now got Officer Garrett wrapped around her finger when we see the two of them making out.

Anyway, this discovery causes the girls to get a burn phone and use it to mysteriously blackmail Ian for $10,000.  He, in turn, hires a random to bring them the money while he isolates Spencer, sort of admits to her how he "accidentally" killed Allison, and then tries to kill her - while her friends listen to the whole thing over the phone and race to save her.  Just before she falls to her death, some mysterious figure in a black hoodie appears and tosses Ian down the bell tower to his death.  RIP Creepy Peeper!  Or, wait!  Just as the cops arrive to assess the situation and the girls are exiting the church, some random cop discovers an extreme lack of dead body at the murder scene.  Uh oh! 

You know what's an even bigger uh oh?  The camera lingering dramatically on a black-jacketed Noah hanging in the crowd outside.  Dun dun dun! 

And finally, everything will be ok because Spencer and Toby are boyfriend and girlfriend and are, as my friend Vicki noted, "the cutest, best, dorkiest, worst-acted couple ever!"  And we mean that in a really good way. 

June's season two premiere can not come soon enough.