February 21, 2011

Whatever you do, don't pull it out.

I'm going to try to make it brief(ish) this week.  Not because it wasn't an awesome episode but because I'm super busy and I'm already late with this recap as it is.  So, here we go.

Elena is on Golden Pond, reading Johnathan Gilbert's diaries, listening to the loons while we listen to the voice over.  Fell's church, crispy critters, end of the scourge, pass the potatoes, what's that noise? Out in the yard, Johnathan's compass goes nuts and Thomas and Honoria get good and eaten by Stefan.  Back on Golden Pond, Stefan is skipping stones better than anyone in the history of stone skipping has ever skipped stones before.  It's not his most useful super power, but I gotta tell ya, I think it's his most impressive. 

Damon calls then with the important information of the moment, "I showered, I shaved, had breakfast.  I'm very relaxed."  Oh, he also shares some actual information, that Tyler Lockwood ran away from home.  He says it all sing-songy so now Damon and I are on a break because he never even tries to see things from my point of view.  The brothers agree that they should now focus on Elijah and the dagger and whatnot.  It's the whatnot we should all worry about.  These two have a shakey record at best when it comes to the whatnot.  The music is aggressively DUN DUN DUN here as Stefan hangs up the phone and stares at Elena.  Take from that what you will.

Back in Mystic Falls, Jenna is showing Elijah around the non-town parts of town.  He tells her that Salem witches are totally the real founders of this town and not the fabled 'founding families' that we are forced to hear about every week.  She says stuff but it doesn't matter what.  Alaric shows up then to pee on her leg and pretend to be a history teacher for the first time in more than a season.  Jenna bristles because she's mad at him but no one knows why, not even her.  Elijah mentions that Alaric (and Jenna, whatev) is on Elena's list of loved ones to protect (aw, how sweet of her to look out for her boyfriend's brother's BFF!).  He cracks a joke which Alaric doesn't laugh at and then walks away. 

I could not be more interested in an Elijah/Alaric pissing contest even if it played out in the nude.  Truth.

Grill. Bonnie is sitting alone moving lettuce leaves around her plate when Jeremy arrives.  He's all "making out last night was the best, huh?" and she's like "mind rape is a tough spell, I should really practice more."  He offers to help her "practice" and "get stronger" and she smiles at him flirtily.  You all know I am driving the bus for Team Bonnie and Jeremy Should Hook Up And Make Out All The Time, but this crossed wires thing is boring.  Sorry.  Luca and his unfortunate facial hair arrive in a huff.  He barks at Bonnie for doing something to him that he can't remember and then Jeremy tells him to back off and Bonnie looks pensive. 

At the cabin, Stefan comes in to talk to Elena about how he's still pissed over her martyrdom and she snipes back at him for his hypocrisy.  She mentions that the journals describe him as a monster and he takes the journal away from her so that she'll hear the truth about his murderous phase straight from the monster's mouth.  We're sucked into a flashback wherein Stefan is sloppily and grossly gobbling up a house full of 19th century bimbettes.  The blood covering his chin and his shirt providing a welcome distraction from his hideous wig.  Damon arrives then, all in a snit about how Stefan shouldn't be eating people at all but especially not in front of God and the Founding Families and everyone.  He's clean as a whistle so there is no distraction from his wig which is really too bad because between the two of them, his is the far uglier wig to begin with.  Pity. Damon compels the girls to get out and never think of them again then he breaks up with his brother.  Stefan begs him to change his mind but Damon ain't having it. 

In the present, Damon is having lunch with Alaric and Stormy Weather at The Grill.  He wants to know what Alaric found out from Elijah but Alaric is too polite to say in mixed company.  After all, "his dick is way bigger than mine" isn't the sort of thing a gentleman blurts out in front of a lady.  Damon and Stormy get all weirdly lovey-dovey while confirming that she's compelled to keep all of Damon's secrets.  Alaric makes a face like he might barf.  That's when Jenna and Elijah arrive.  Alaric acts weird and tries to leave but Stormy Weather stops him and suggests that she and Damon have all and sundry over for a dinner party tonight.  Oy.

Oh my God!  I almost forgot Katherine existed but there she is all creepy and grey and emaciated in the tomb.  Hi, Katherine!  Damon wakes her up with a whiff of blood.  He gives her an entire bottle which she downs super quick and pinks back up in the blink of an eye.  He's also brought her a change of clothes which she utilizes and that makes me wonder - do vampires suffer from body odor?  Or the stink of decaying flesh?  Because if so, that tomb has got to be RIPE!  Damon gets down to it - John Gilbert is back in town with the tale of a dagger and some ash that can kill an original and Damon would like to know if this info is legit.  Katherine will neither confirm nor deny.  She doesn't want Damon killing Elijah because that would mean he'd never un-compel her to stay in the tomb and therefore she'd be stuck in there forever.  Then she clearly gives away that he's on the right track to killing him when she starts begging him not to off her nemesis.  She promises to stay in town and help him do...whatever, if he just pretty please with sugar on top doesn't kill Elijah.  That makes two of us, Damon.  But one of us might be more trustworthy than the other. Elijah is too awesome and too pretty to die. 

House of Flashbacks.  Stefan is explaining how The Civil War provided low-hanging fruit and an excuse for all the dead people.  Then he met Lexi who thought he was an idiot that embodied all of the bad parts of vampirism.  I loved Lexi a whole lot before but the disgust in her voice when she said "oh God. You're a ripper" made me love her even more. 

Stormy Weather and Jenna set the table at the Salvatore manse and have some girl talk about what's up with Jenna and Alaric.  Jenna admits that she "more than likes" Alaric but she's mad at him because of something John said that she doesn't even believe.  Jenna, this is why no one cares about your shit - it's dumb and non-existent. 

In the library, Alaric is telling Damon that this dinner party is a bad idea.  Damon doesn't think there are any bad ideas, "just poorly executed awesome ones."  Spoken like someone who's poorly executed more than his fair share of ideas.  Damon swears that the dinner is aimed only at gathering intel and the fact that Alaric buys this after knowing Damon for two minutes, let alone being his BFF for the better part of a year, only proves that Alaric is not as smart as he is pretty.  He makes Damon swear that nothing will go down at dinner that will put Jenna in harm's way.  Damon pinky-swears and then sends Alaric off to help his woman with the wine while he dips his dagger in ash (dirty!) and strategically places it for easy access later (DIRTY!). 

Just when you thought this dinner party couldn't get any weirder, John shows up uninvited and they let him stay.  Don't ask why, too much thinking will only ruin this perfectly great episode. 

Chez Gilbert is filled with so many lit candles I suspect it's about 112 degrees in there.  So Jeremy is either going for "romantic" or "sweat her out of her clothes" and either way, it's decent effort on his part.  Unfortunately, Bonnie is all "I can't make out with you any more until I get permission from your sister."  Bonnie The Boner Killer, ladies and gentlemen!  Jeremy obviously likes her enough to power through this bit of awkward and suggest that they just work on spells instead.  He's also insecure enough that he needs to verify that she did enjoy the making out.  Sweetie, we ALL enjoyed that. 

Finally, Elijah has arrived at the Salvatore abode and before he comes in, he gives Damon a talking to about and "less than honorable intentions" the latter may have for the evening.  Damon lies that he has no ill intentions at all.  Cue the scary threats from Elijah.  I think Williamson and Plec my have written and cast themselves into a corner with Elijah because there is NO WAY that Klaus can be as scary, badass, and AWESOME as Elijah.  No way.

Dinner party.  Elijah and Alaric are sitting next to each other.  The dinner convo is about witches.  I've spent my entire adult life attending the wrong dinner parties. 

Out at the lake house, Elena is again reading the journals and telling Stefan about how her ancestor was driven mad by an obsession with vampires.  She opens a fresh journal and finds that Johnathan Gilbert and his pack of crazy journals might finally be useful for something as it turns out he researched the Originals.  She flips through the pages, not reading them.  Then she finds a picture of the dagger and reads that page.  Caring only about the pictures, Elena?  I expected more of you.  She wonders aloud if it could be true and Stefan confirms that it is because John gave the dagger and the ash to Damon.  That's when Elena reads important fact #2: "it must be brandished by humans alone, for it will bring death to all demons who wield it."  Stefan immediately twigs to John's master plan to get Damon killed.  John, ever the crafty little fuck, huh?

While Stefan tries desperately to reach Damon on his cell, he tells Elena that Damon's planning to kill Elijah that evening over Cognac.  I know, that makes it sound so civilized and genteel.  I love it too. 

Stormy Weather directs the "gentlemen" to the study for drinks while she and Jenna clean up.  It's 1950 at the Salvatore manse, folks.  Alaric tries to help his woman but she freezes him out.  John confesses that he was the one who frosted Jenna's cold shoulder.  Alaric grabs him and gets all hot and angry.  Sweet Jesus, but he is one good looking man when he's being a badass.  John reminds Alaric that he wants his ring back and then walks away.  Alaric answers his cell to a hysterical Stefan on the other end. 

In the study, Damon is making small talk with Elijah about a new facet of the curse-breaking ritual that the dinner conversation brought to light - that in addition to the moonstone, the doppelganger, a witch, a wolf and a vampire, they also need to find the burial ground of the original Salem witches that settled there.  So, is this curse not from the Aztecs as we were originally told?  Right, thinking ruins it.  Sorry.  Elijah confirms because he's many things, but unhelpful is not one of them.  Elijah admires the books (while also insulting people for needing them at all which was weirdly awesome), and Damon makes for the dagger when Alaric comes bursting into the room announcing that the ladies would like them to come back to the table for dessert.  Stormy Weather enters as well and beckons Elijah who gallantly follows after her.  Damon stays behind to smack Alaric and silently bitch at him for ruining everything.  Alaric goes to the desk and scribbles a note: "the dagger will kill you if you use it."  My favorite thing on this show (that isn't Matt) is when Alaric and Damon protect each other.  Their love for one another is so beautiful.  I wish I could describe the hilarious bit of stage direction that follows Damon reading that note.  It only lasts 15 seconds but it's fantastic. 

In the dining room, Jenna is pouring coffee and apologizing for the delay in dessert.  Why is Jenna making dessert?  I thought this was Stormy Weather's dinner party.  Damn this thinking!  Anyway, Stormy Weather would like to ask more questions of Elijah and he'd love to answer.  Just as Damon and Alaric arrive in the dining room, Stormy asks Ric to grab the notepad out of her bag in the other room.  He is happy to help.  Damon passes the time with some weird chatter about whether or not Elijah is aware that John is Elena's bio-dad.  Stormy doesn't think Ric is looking in the right place for her pad so she goes to help and then John starts grilling Elijah about how he intends to kill Klaus.  Elijah does not like to be grilled so he levels a threat or two.  Stormy Weather comes back then and starts right in with the questions until Alaric sidles up behind Elijah and stabs him in the heart with the dagger through the back of the chair.  This surprises and/or scares the hell out of Damon, John and Stormy Weather.  It kills Elijah and that bums me out.  Once the deed is done, Alaric sets the dagger down in front of Damon and asks him to quickly get rid of the body before Jenna returns with dessert.  Damon does as he's asked because a) Alaric is his bestie and he'd do anything for him and b) he has a total man crush on Alaric right now. 

We now join our usual fight once again in progress.  Elena doesn't want Stefan and Damon going behind her back.  Stefan doesn't give a good God damn what she wants.  She thinks that it's her business how she chooses to throw her life away.  Stefan thinks a woman's right to choose is all well and good when it's about abortion or breakfast cereal but when it's about saving the world or whatever, those kinds of decisions are better left to people with penises and poor track records.  Somehow the two of them find a way to bring this argument around to the point of our flashbacks which...whatevs.  I'm not a flashback fan and I totally didn't see what these had to do with anything other than an illustration to go along with the journal reading so I'm skipping over that bit of shite.  Oh crap...that threw us right into another one.  I should have seen that coming.  Lexi is teaching Stefan how to be a vampire while also acting human.  Stefan is resisting.  Lexi is awesome, Stefan is pouty.  Back on Golden Pond, Stefan has good hair and a request that Elena fight for "what's important."  I thought that's what she was doing but what do I know, I don't even have a penis. 

Damon and Alaric are presently dumping Elijah in the Salvatore dungeon.  He and Alaric make the most of this alone time by chatting about how Damon promised no violence but Alaric is the one who just offed their dinner guest.  Alaric gets all serious, "I am your friend, Damon, and you don't have any friends.  So no more lying." 

Elena has finally gotten back to her reading when Stefan informs her that Alaric has killed Elijah.  She gives us the back story on why the dagger would kill a vamp if said vamp tried to use it (it's a whole "truth and honor" thing) and then is all, "and, as long as the dagger stays in place, the original is, for all intents and purposes, dead."  I've been on your side this whole time Elena, but that little bit of information was something you REALLY should have shared with them UP FRONT for sobbing out loud!  Christ!  Stefan gets this horrified look on his face and runs for his cell.  Then Damon runs into the dungeon to find it empty and Elijah runs into Dr. Warlock who's about to get busy locating Elena for Elijah. 

Ok, I know I'm supposed to suspend my thinking lest I kill my enjoyment but I have several questions.  1) How did anyone know the dagger worked at all?  Clearly it's a single-use weapon because pulling it out negates the first use so in order to know it worked, it'd have to still be in some Original's pumper.  2) Now that they've used it on Elijah and they can't take it out of him, how the fuck are they going to kill Klaus?  3) How did Katherine know that the dagger would kill Elijah but not know that it would also kill Damon?  Or did she know that and just not care?  Fine by me if she did, but is that thought ever going to occur to Damon?  Because if it doesn't, I'm going to start thinking Damon is kind of stupid.  4) Who the fuck made this dagger?  Seems like an Original is the only one who'd care about all that honor and loyalty crap that causes the dagger to kill any vamp who uses it but in that case, if honor and loyalty were so damn important to them, why make a weapon that can kill them at all?  If a non-vamp made it, why did they go out of their way to booby trap it?  Ok, I'm done.  My questions are out there, destined never to be answered, I'm sure. 

Gilbert abode.  Bonnie is doing parlor tricks to impress Jeremy when he suggests that she try channeling him.  The way he sees it, he's an element since the human body is mostly water.  I don't know if that counts from a magical standpoint, Jerm.  Anyway, she's about to try it, not because she thinks his being mostly water is going to make it work but because he's gorgeous and she wants to get all up in his personal space.  I do not blame her.  Yowza!  Just when things are getting good, Dr. Warlock busts in, magically pins Jeremy to the wall and gets to the bottom of what Bonnie found out from Luca.  She says she wants to help him but he's not really in the market for help.  Instead he grabs her face, spits a little mumbo jumbo at her, threatens her in the case of anything happening to Luca and then leaves.  She cries and Jeremy asks what happened.  "He took my powers," she tells him.  I for one find it comforting that in Mystic Falls, the punishment for (mind) rape is (magical) castration. 

Out at the lake, Elijah picks up a handful of stones and uses them to bust down the front door.  Elena sends Stefan away while she deals with Elijah herself, she feels safe because he can't come in the house.  She wants to renegotiate their deal.  He isn't in the mood.  She threatens to kill herself leaving him up Shit Creek without a doppelganger.  He thinks she's bluffing because Stefan would never let her die.  Of course not, silly!  "He'll give me enough blood to heal me and then I'll kill myself and become a vampire, just like Katherine did."  Elijah?  That's what we call a burn.  She wants to renew their deal.  He declines.  She stabs herself in the gut and begins bleeding to death.  He screams in frustration but can't get in the house to help her.  He promises to stick to the deal if she lets him heal her.  She stumbles to the door and stabs him with the dagger.  The second he goes down dead on the porch, Stefan runs out to feed her blood.  Damon comes out of the shadows then.  I will admit I did not see this coming.  Actually, I didn't see either of Elijah's deaths coming in this ep and they were both awesome. 

Gilbert house.  Jenna is snitting around the kitchen when Alaric comes in wondering where John went.  She doesn't know.  He apologizes for tonight but she cuts him off with a demand to know what happened to Isobel.  I'm starting to think that Jenna's under the impression Ric killed her.  That's the only explanation for why she'd be this peeved and this insensitive about not knowing the details of how his WIFE DIED.  He doesn't want to talk about it.  She presses.  He says nothing.  She cries a little and walks away.  John comes in then with his lipless smirk, and gets Alaric's ire up.  He'll clear the nasty Isobel/Jenna mess right up tomorrow if he can just have his ring back today.  Alaric gives it to him saying, "after what you did to Damon, you're gonna need it more than me," all the while employing a smirk that is so much more impressive than John's lipless version.  Now here's a dick-measuring contest that Alaric can win, no problem. 

Salvatore dungeon.  Stefan and Damon are depositing the be-daggered body of Elijah in the cell while Elena watches.  Damon snags the moonstone from Elijah's pocket and then Elena insists that she'll fight just like they want her to, but they can't keep shit from her anymore and this time, they're doing it her way.  They agree.  She leaves and the brothers reminisce about how awesome Lexi was.  Damon recalls meeting Lexi.  They shared a nice moment where she tried to help him and he didn't understand what she was telling him.  He asked her to help Stefan and then left. 

Back in the land of good hair, Damon enters his bedroom and hears the shower so he assumes it's Stormy Weather but he's wrong.  The music kicks up and we see that it's Katherine.  She tricked him into killing Elijah because when the Original who compelled you dies, the compulsion dies with them. She's sticking around to help.  This should be fun. 

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