September 16, 2010

Too Much Tuesday

That's what I'm going to need to start calling it if the CW's Tuesday line-up continues the way it started this week. 

One Tree Hill picked up a short time after where it left off last season.  Haley is pregnant and Brooke and Julian are engaged and Chase is going to go on a date with Girl Alex even though Mia has re-thought the via-text breakup and texted a plea to get back together.  Oh yeah, and remember how Quinn and Clay were shot but Crazy Dead Ringer?  Well, maybe...maybe not. 

Julian is all "lets keep having sex until I have no sperm left and see if that doesn't improve our chances of having a baby even though you're reportedly infertile."  And he's good looking so Brooke sees nothing wrong with that plan.  And then they start talking about the wedding and it turns out Julian is a 9-year-old girl who wants a Grease II-themed wedding.  When the chafing has gotten bad enough, the two stop humping long enough for Julian to start looking for his next movie and Brooke to get arrested for defrauding investors by misrepresenting the profitability of COB. 

Turns out Victoria wanted money to start the men's line so she lied and then even though they only just put Millie back in a managerial role about 15 minutes before the end of last season, she apparently knew and went along with the plan and now the whole company is being seized by the government.  Welcome back to season 2, Brooke is poor. 

You know who isn't poor?  NBA star Nathan Scott and his musician/producer wife Haley.  So they spend the episode debating whether or not Haley and Jamie should go to Charlotte with Nate for the season.  They also spend the episode trying and failing pretty spectacularly to answer Jamie's question about where babies come from.  Seriously, the way they answered that question makes me think they aren't so sure themselves.  Stuck in like afterthoughts are a couple of scenes were Nate's doc wants to run some tests on his spine and Haley's doc wants to run some tests on her uterus.  If you thought this was going to be the year these two finally just got to be happy, you really don't know much about this show.

Alex has nothing to do and the movie from last season hasn't been picked up yet and is still just on the festival circuit so she's going to be the bar tender at Tric while Grubbs is on tour.  Meanwhile Mia is back in town to help Haley run the label.  Mia and Alex are going to fight over Chase but it looks to me like Chase is going to stick with Alex because it is some shit to run your whole relationship via text message, Mia!  Also, Mia could stand to ease up on the lip gloss and cleavage.  That's just my opinion though, Chase might not mind.
And finally, Clay hears the gunshot and screams so Quinn runs out to see what's wrong.  He says he had a bad dream she got shot.  They then spend the day rolling around on the beach together and enjoying a little topless swimming in the ocean.  The words "that's all crotch" get uttered.  And then it turns out that they really were shot and the happy fun crotch times on the beach were all a dream.  I'm not sure which one was dreaming it but Quinn was shot in the upper abdomen and Clay in the chest and they've both been laying on his bedroom floor bleeding out all night and all day and Nate may or may not find a way into the house to see this situation.  That's where we leave it, with Nathan on the porch trying to get someone inside to answer either the phone or the door and then walking off in what could be the direction of a back door but could also be the direction of Charlotte.  Who knows. 

I hope we have 100% less talk about Grease II and crotches next week!  Oh, two things I don't want to forget to mention - Bethany Joy Galeotti's hair finally looks pretty again and James Lafferty's arms are even hotter this year than last. 

Life Unexpected skipped ahead through the honeymoon and picked up upon the return of the newly married Cate and Ryan and their honeymoon companion, Lux.  Baze finally tells Cate that he loves her which she already knew because people don't burst into weddings for any other reason.  Cate tries to play it off that she only said she might love Baze to try and get him to admit he loved her when really she doesn't love him which is a fat load of crap because he's so tall and cute and Baze-like and she's loved him since before he knocked her up and it's ludicrous to pretend otherwise but he's also not the smartest guy around and she did marry someone else so he believes her. 

Lux is still possibly mad at Baze for chickening out and failing to give her the exact family she'd always hoped for even though it's been noted many times that she adores Ryan and he's awesome so I don't know why the fuck she's so against having him as a step-dad but whatev.  Also Bug proposes to her and she says yes but she really wants to say no only she doesn't want a no to break them up and it totally will because Bug is insecure and so annoying. 

Anyway, Lux then heads to the bar to see Baze and instead meets a cute guy from Minnesota who is clearly too old for her but when he sees the engagement ring he must assume she's older than 16.  I can't really blame him, after all, he might not realize that he exists on The CW where they actually marry off their teenagers on a fairly regular basis.  So there's flirting and then she goes with him on a drive to see the ocean and they run out of gas and then make out and then come home where she tells Bug that she doesn't want to marry him or be with him forever, but she does want to keep dating him for now.  He throws one of his patented fits and leaves town.  Again.  I hope it sticks this time!

When Lux goes back to school Math introduces her to the new English teacher who just happens to be Mr. Minnesota from the night before.  Oops!  Hey, what I'd like to know is why we need a new love interest for Lux.  What the hell was wrong with the adorable Jones? 

Anyway, other things happened too.  Like Cate got fired from her radio show with Ryan because their boss is a really hideous bitch.  And Ryan might have had an affair with someone named Julie or Julia or something.  It's unclear but it's a little annoying that we had to deal with all that "Ryan is perfect and Cate cheated on him and he's righteously pissed but the forgives her because he's perfect" crap last season when it turns out he might have been nailing someone else on the side too.  Also, his sister Arielle Kebbel has come to town to be adorable and tend bar for Baze.  She also gets him drunk and then has sex with him before sneaking out for an early-morning walk of shame that includes improperly disposing of a lit cigarette in a trashcan full of flammable material and burning down the bar. 

When Lux's lies lead Cate and Baze to believe that Lux was in either the bar or the loft, Baze runs into the burning building to save her and suffers smoke inhalation and some 2nd degree burns on his arms.  Then he and Cate kind of make up and she tells him she could never hate him and he apologizes for being wishy-washy about his feelings and then continues to love her some more and she loves him too but keeps on pretending she doesn't.  And Baze and Lux hug and make up. 

Next week: sex with a teacher.  There really aren't any original stories anymore are there? 

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