March 25, 2010

Why I'm Grateful I Don't Have Kids

Last night on American Idol, Miley Cyrus followed her spectacularly useless evening of "mentoring" contestants Tuesday, with a performance of some song that I presume is from her new movie. The movie is titled The Last Song and oh my God do I hope that means this is the last song she'll ever sing. Or at the very least that I'll ever have to hear her sing, because sweet baby Jesus, was it awful. She has a terrible voice and cannot carry a tune.

She also once again wore an evening gown (that actually looked like a pretty cheap prom dress) for no discernible reason and then trotted out to center stage and thrashed around like this love song of hers were at all suited to head banging (it wasn't). And she was either taking a precaution or she dislodged something with her first thrash because she spent the rest of her performance with her left hand clutched tightly to the front of her dress over her boobs lest they flop right on out during her continued spazzing.

Because the folks at 19 Entertainment are hoping that I'll go deaf and therefore buy the records of some of their more deeply untalented contestants this year, they then brought out Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato for a duet so painfully out of tune and badly sung that I actually almost cried. Fortunately for me, I was distracted from how sad it all was by Lovato's supremely irritating hand gestures.

Between these three and that Bieber kid, I've spent way too much of my week being assaulted by the truly horrendous sounds that the little kids are filling their iPods with. It's made me realize that if I had a child between the ages of 5 and 14 I would simply not be able to deal with their musical tastes. I think I'd be the meanest mom ever because I definitely wouldn't allow them to listen to these things where I could hear them (my hearing is much too important to me) and I wouldn't spend any money on their music, movies or merchandise.

Kids all around the country are totally thankful I'm not their mother right now.

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