XOXO

My favorite Upper East Siders were in typically awesome form last night. Serena and Dan slept together on the beach between last week and this, which I'd just like to say SEEMS romantic but in reality is disgusting because they'll be digging sand out of their various nooks and crannies until they're old and gray.


Anyway, while they got dressed they decided to slow things down and take time to really consider why they broke up in the first place - and when they figure that out, they should e-mail me because I've never understood it myself - but then promptly screw on the Jitney back to Manhattan, in an elevator and possibly some other places I may have forgotten. No way is it going to last but for now, we get to spend more of our Monday evenings gazing at Penn Badgley's bare chest so who am I to argue?


As long as we're talking about relationships that are destined for a swift demise, Blaire suddenly believes she's in love with Lord Dull and becomes very high strung when she deduces that he doesn't want her to meet his parents because his step-mother, with whom he's weirdly close, is exceptionally critical of his girlfriends. She whips Dorota into gear and throws a deeply sad party in an effort to prove she's royal-ready but then gets her Jimmy Choo stuck between her teeth when she mistakes said step-mother for Chuck's newest jealousy-inducing bimbo, and verbally bitch-slaps the woman. And did I mention that the Duchess also happens to be the very same cougar that Nate's been slipping the high hard one to all summer? Yeah, it really gets interesting when Blaire catches her ex and her new-boyfriends mum bumping uglies on the library floor at her pitiful party and makes it clear that there is only one Queen B who'll be running this show and that's our Ms. Waldorf. Suck it Madchen!


Meanwhile, in other inappropriate relationship news, the writers were flaunting a bit of a flirty vibe between Rufus and Vanessa last night that made me throw up in my mouth. It seems Rufus asked Vanessa to turn the storage room of the gallery into a coffee shop and then, when he decided he might want to continue to tour (even though, you know, he's got children to care for), he asked her to run it for him while he was away. The demands of her home schooling being nill and all, she agreed. But then he came home and realized he missed his kids and they're kind of awesome and so he changed his mind and now I can only assume he'll still want Vanessa to run the coffee shop because if she doesn't, what will she do with herself during all those hours she's not studying? I mean, theorettically, all the other "kids" on this show go to school during the day.


So as usual, Nate is the only person on this show with actual real problems and this time it's that the Feds have frozen all of the Archibald assets and are going to take their house and everything else until either he or his mother tell them where his father is. Neither will do that, though I can't for the life of me figure out why, so they're flat busted. Nate decides it's his job to take care of his mother rather than the vice being totally versa, but he's got not a single clue how he'll do that. He seems like he wants to tell his friends about the problem but can't sack up and do it which makes it that much more awesome when Chuck finds out anyway and immediately sells off his interest in Victrola and gives the money to Mrs. Archibald. She tells Nate the problem is solved, he figures out about 2 minutes after I did that his best friend is the most awesome person ever and then tells Chuck he can't take the money. Chuck blasts him for not telling him about the problem in the first place and insists that he didn't offer the money to Nate because he knew Nate wouldn't take it so he gave it to Mommy who's too smart (and also desperate) to say no - end of story. Still, Nate wants to fix it himself so he stupidly agrees to take the money from Madchen Amick even though it officially makes him a prostitute.


All the while, he begins to rekindle his once budding relationship with Vanessa which warms my cockles but just as she gets all excited at the possibility and orders up Chinese for two and lights a bunch of candles, he calls and cancels on her so that he can feel cheap and dirty with his new sugar mama.


Little J made the briefest appearance but Eric, Lilly, Bart and Eleanor were all MIA. And Gossip Girl was way off her game last night - her voice overs were boring and not at all catty and Kristen Bell's inflections lacked the energy they usually have.


But who cares about ANY of that when the previews for next week contained the following sound-bite convo between Chuck and Blair:


Chuck: Have sex with me.
Blair: You make me sick.
Chuck: Then why are you still holding my hand?


And then it totally showed their silhouettes getting it the fuck ON!


DAMN I love this show!!!