Previously: curse, sun, moon, originals, sacrifice, friendship, headaches, breakups, moonstone, gorgeous.
We open in the woods where Camp Hate-A-Vamp is rounding up the dead members of their werepack and tossing them on the campfire. Weredork Stevie is explaining to Jules and her werehottie that Mason was "banging that hot vampire chick, Kathy" and from that he's deduced that Mason was after the moonstone because he and "Kathy" were trying to break the sun and moon curse (the curse is probably of sufficient import so as to warrant capitalization, huh? Well, I'm not going back now, I'll just try to remember for next time). Werehottie insists woodenly that he'd would rather kill all the vamps in town than let anyone break the Curse and Jules looks pensive. I'd like to think it's because she's wondering how he thinks they'll accomplish that when they just got their asses handed to them by Team Bite and Suck a few hours before, but unfortunately I don't think Jules is quite that smart. Poor, pretty, HORRIBLE Jules. Title card.
Fortress of Forbes. Caroline, Elena and Bonnie are all sleeping in Caroline's bed together in what I can only assume represents the greatest fantasy of every male in Mystic Falls. Elena's cell phone rings, Caroline rolls over and pushes Elena out of bed while also pulling the blanket off of Bonnie. Elena answers and talks to Stefan about what a great idea the slumber party was and and how much she'd like to spend a night in the not too distant future fucking him silly as a way of getting back at her bio-dad-slash-uncle for coming back to town. Romance.
Meanwhile, Damon's walking his new girlfriend/chew toy, Stormy Weather to the door (aren't all small-town local news ladies named Stormy Weather? I mean, the ones who aren't named Gail Leery, obviously). She's on her way to Mrs. Interim Mayor's house for a tea party in honor of visiting author Elijah "Smith" and Damon is helping her cover her bite marks and going over her compulsion-induced cover story. He kisses her goodbye and calls her honey just as Alaric arrives. Once Stormy has left, Alaric and Damon have some quality BFF time. It is not physically possible for me to love Damon and Alaric scenes any more than I currently do. Damon tells Ric about the dagger he got from Uncle Jo(h)n and how you're supposed to dip it in the ash of a tree from the blah blah and then stab the original in the blah to kill them. Blah. Damon notes that Uncle Jo(h)n is a weasel and so doesn't have a high level of confidence that this daggery business is on the up and up. He then asks "Mr. Saltzman" what he's up to today - probably because he wants to know if Ric is free to go shopping and brush each other's hair later. Unfortunately for the viewers, Alaric already has plans to attend the big tea party at Mayoral Manor. Damon's intrigued on account of Elijah's presence at said shindig. "Tell me you're not going to kill him at the tea party?" Alaric begs. Damon assures him he'd never do such a thing (neither Alaric nor I believe him) and that he just wants to officially meet the fellow and find out his endgame.
Mystic Grill. Caroline and Bonnie are eating and discussing Bonnie's plan to figure out what the Warlocks and Elijah are up to. Caroline sees Matt who, incidentally, is wearing the HELL out of his blue busboy shirt, and gives him a smile and wave. He looks sad and keeps walkin'. Bonnie wonders what's up with Matt and his cold (yet hot) shoulder. Caroline isn't sure.
Jules is standing around Camp Hate-A-Vamp doing nothing for no reason when Tyler arrives and reminds her that Doctor Warlock was pretty adamant that she and the K-9 contingent hit the bricks tout suite. She's assuring him that they'll leave soon when Werehottie and Weredork arrive looking...constipated? Look, they're plenty attractive, but emoting is not their strong suit. They want Tyler to help them find the moonstone and Tyler, who's been down this road before and didn't really love it the first time, wants to know why everyone's got such a hard-on for this rock. Cue the millionth explanation of what happens if a vampire breaks the Curse vs. what happens if a werewolf breaks the Curse. Tyler is intrigued by the thought that if he were to help break it he may never have to change again so he's in. Tyler needs a babysitter who can keep him from falling under the influence of these dicks. Anyway, Stevie the Weredork further explains that if the vamps have the moonstone and are ready to break the curse, that must mean they also have the doppelganger. Tyler isn't familiar with the term so Stevie the Weredork helps him out - "evil twin shadow person?" No, still isn't ringing any bells for Tyler. Well Team Drool and Shed think "Kathy" the vamp slut knows who the doppelganger is so they want Tyler to help them find her. Tyler's like "you want me to find a hot girl in Mystic Falls? That's like trying to find a needle in a stack of needles." Or it's possible that's what I said. Anyway, they happen to have a cell phone picture of Mason and "Kathy" to which Tyler responds with a brow furrow and the news that "Kathy" isn't a vamp slut, but a teenage girl named Elena Gilbert whom he's known his entire life. Werelooks are exchanged.
Grill. Caroline seeks out Matt for a confab. He gives her the frosty brush-off but she persists. She tells him that she wants to have the talk now they were supposed to have last night before she had to stand him up. He puckers with anger. She wants to get past the weirdness and talk. He tells her that she's "making it worse" but she isn't sure to what "it" he's referring. He asks her where she was last night when she was supposed to be with him "and don't say you were with Bonnie because Bonnie was here, Caroline. I saw her." It's at this point, while Caroline is stammering wildly, that the camera cuts to a wider angle that accentuates how un-fucking-believable Zach Roerig looks in that appropriately tight, blue T-shirt. Sweet Jesus Marie, I've got to send the TVD costume department a fruit basket! Caroline is sad, "oh." Matt's not terribly happy himself as he walks away. She calls after him but doesn't really know what to say. While she's still trying to figure it out, Tyler arrives and comes over to talk. She ain't havin' it, tells him to stay away and makes to leave. Her purse spills on the floor and he helps her clean it up, surreptitiously stealing her phone in the process. So not the way to win your friend back, Tyler. He tries to apologize but she gets pissed and leaves.
I'd like to tell you what happens next but I have the TV paused so well right now, I kind of don't want to un-pause it. Like, ever. Look at this:
Sigh. Anyway, Matt has seen this all go down and comes to talk to Tyler. "If the two of you want to get together, fine, there's nothing I can do about it. But do me a favor and both of you stop lying about it," Matt tells him before turning to go. Tyler stops him and tells him there's nothing going on but Matt gets pissed and grabs him by the lapels, "Hey! I said, stop. Lying," and walks away for real this time. I know this isn't new news but, HOLY SHIT Matt and Tyler are both crazy hot!
Elena and Stefan are at her house getting ready to go away together for the weekend because they're apparently middle-aged now. As they're on their way out, Elena gets a text from "Caroline" asking to talk. When she texts back that she is headed to the "lakehouse" with Stefan, "Caroline" is suddenly no longer in need of girl talk. Why? Well, because "Caroline" is really Tyler and he was just trying to determine her location for the werebastards who are now on their way to the lake to catch themselves a doppelganger. You know, some people just fish.
After the commercials, Stefan and Elena are arriving at the lake house in his pretty, pretty car. She is a little squirrely because she hasn't been back since before her parents met their untimely demise. Once her moment has passed she heads inside but Stefan stays on the porch, lacking as he does, the proper invitation required for his be-fanged ass to cross the threshold. She proceeds to do a bit about how the cabin technically belongs to Uncle Jo(h)n and so she's unable to get him in but ahaha, she's just joking. It's a perfectly cute moment that wasn't really funny or necessary and really slowed the plot down for me. Once he's in, they make out and I admire her very cute boots.
Lockwood Tea Room. Mrs. Interim Mayor is making conversation with Elijah when Damon arrives. He makes small talk with Jenna, smooches Stormy Weather, and then greets Mrs. IM with a cordial peck on the cheek. Mrs. IM introduces him to Elijah and the two shake hands and make eyes at each other for a while. They're both all hair and eyes and strong jaws - if that scene had gone on even 2 seconds longer, I believe the entire audience might have fainted.
At The Grill, Warlock Jr. is playing pool when Bonnie approaches him bearing "gifts" in the form of a decadent blended coffee concoction. In the background, Jeremy sidles up to Caroline where she sits vamp-eavesdropping on the conversation from her not-that-nearby table. Caroline asks what he's doing there and he mentions that Bonnie called and told him what was going down and he wanted to help. He asks how it's going and Caroline notes that "she's sellin' it, and he's buyin' it. She's givin' him the sex smile." Jeremy's all "alright already! Guh!" which is the only clue Caroline needs to figure out that Jeremy has the hots for Bonnie. Up at the pool table, Junior gets woozy from whatever it was that Bonnie spiked his froofroo coffee drink with (serves him right for drinking a blended bev with whipped cream. Butch up, dude!). Jeremy carries him out asking B exactly what kind of "witch roofie" she slipped him. "A strong one," she admits as she totally pimp walks on out. Hee! I sort of LOVE Bonnie again.
Lake Woebegone. Elena and Stefan stand on the dock and talk about whether or not they'll have a future and what it might be like and blah dee bloo. It's a perfectly nice, perfectly Joey-and-Pacey scene but my beef with it is that it exists only to give him something to be pissed about later. And to make me jealous that the Gilbert vacation house is about a million times nicer than my house.
Jolly Old Tea Party. Damon is making his way into the one room in the Lockwood house that no one can get enough of - Dead Mayor's office. Elijah follows. Elsewhere in the house, Jo(h)n asks Alaric what Damon is doing chatting it up with Elijah. Alaric plays dumb. Jo(h)n levels some threats in the vein of telling Jenna how Ric is a big, fat, vampire-loving, vampire killer. Alaric just stands there all tall and good looking and calls Jo(h)n a dick. Jo(h)n smiles and requests that Alaric not sleep over any more. Hey Jo(h)n, your childish jealousy is showing. I wonder if the nocturnal noises at chez Gilbert are making Uncle Jo(h)n feel inadequate. He also tells Ric he wants the immortality ring back because it was his first. I love David Anders because he makes such a good bad guy but when he gets particularly dicky, his lips become so thin that they cease to exist and it is really unnerving. Anyway, Jo(h)n acts childish and bossy and Alaric just stands there with a faintly perturbed grin on his face and weirdly poofy hair.
In the office, Elijah and Damon are chatting. What do you want? A friendly chat. Where is Elena? Safe with Stefan. Werewolves on the loose. You're welcome for the Manwitch save. Why are you helping? Just stand there and look pretty and protect Elena and leave the thinking and planning to the big boys. Strangle. Neck pinch. Arm wrench. Ticonderoga to the carotid. Awesomeness. Bleeding. I'll let you parse out who did what in that scene, suffice to say, while I love Damon to bits, I have never enjoyed Elijah more. I'm currently having a Daniel Gillies shrine designed for installation in my yard. Pilgrimages will begin this summer, stay tuned for further details.
House on the lake. Elena is on the couch with a glass of wine, thinking about her 401k and whether or not she's getting enough calcium in her diet, while Stefan is in the kitchen making dinner and a mental note to call someone about cleaning out the rain gutters when he gets home. There's some talk about how Dr. G did all the cooking too because Mrs. G, like her daughter, was a dud in the kitchen. Elena notices that the fire is dying down and Stefan offers to get more wood. Elena says she'll take care of it but Stefan protests that it's cold out and she assures him she'll wear a jacket. In the bedroom, Elena gets distracted from finding a jacket and starts sniffing her mom's perfume. When she finally goes into the closet, a whopping 45 seconds after first mentioning the jacket plan, she gets STEFAN a coat, not herself. Well, they do say that the memory is the first thing to go. She probably forgot to take her Centrum Silver with Ginko Biloba this morning. While making out in the closet, Stefan discovers a hollow wall and begins to take it apart...without asking if she minds. Inside the wall is a padlocked door which they break open to find a room full of vamp-fighting weaponry. I don't know why they're so surprised, I keep my stakes and scythes behind a false wall in the closet of my cabin too. Duh.
Yesterday Caroline was hosting a slumber party, tonight, she's hosting a supernatural mind-rape. She is the hostess with the mostess. She mentions to Bonnie and Jer that her mom will be home in a couple of hours as she's bringing in a bunch of off-white pillar candles she just happened to have lying around the house. Bonnie gives instructions about candle placement and Jeremy asks how this grey matter violation is going to work. B tells him that she'll put Junior in a trance and ask him questions. Jeremy worries that she isn't strong enough but she says that she'll draw extra power from the candle flames. So, if fire makes her strong enough to do the magic without the nose bleeds and unconsciousness, I must wonder why she doesn't just carry a fucking flame thrower in her trunk. Bonnie lights the candles with her mind and Jeremy notes that he'll never get used to that nifty power of hers. It's all fun and games until someone loses their eyebrows, Jeremy. Caroline teases him a bit, "oh come on, that's pretty hot and you know it." Jeremy does not argue. Bonnie changes the subject abruptly because of how she feels all awkward about wanting to see Jeremy naked. She asks Jeremy, in the flirtiest way possible, to fetch her a bowl of water.
Once she's alone with Caroline, Bonnie scolds her for encouraging the crush and Caroline is all "uh, he totally likes you and he's a better choice than unfortunate-facial-hair-manwitch!" Bonnie denies having been "into" Luca and says that she just liked that he understood her. Caroline parses the subtext and is all "blah blah, is this because you keep thinking of Jeremy as Elena's little brother?" Bonnie confirms. Caroline dips into her bag of awesome and lays some truth down on Bonnie. She points out that shit ain't like it used to be - B's a witch, C's a vampire, Jeremy's hot - it's time to live in the now. Jeremy returns then with his bowl full of water and his face full of gorgeous and makes flirty eyes at Bonnie. He notes that Luca is starting to wake up so Bonnie dips her hands in the water, holds Junior's head in her hands and whips the flames into a fine frenzy.
Salvatore Library of Manly Bonding. Damon is pouting to his BFF about how badly his plan to to annoy Elijah went. Alaric asks after Damon's throat and confirms that Elijah is "one scary dude. But...with nice hair." Considering the state of Ric's hair at this moment, the coif envy makes total sense to me. This has been a really rough year for him follicularly speaking. He gets the two of them a refill on booze while Damon muses that Elijah is going to be hard to kill. Alaric concurs and suggests that the dagger and ashes ruse does not seem like their best bet at this juncture. He thinks they need more intel but Damon complains that he's fresh out of sources. Oh, hey, speaking of sources - what's up with Damon and the news chick, Ric wonders. "She's got spunk, huh?" Damon says. "Just don't kill her. Please," Alaric asks. "If I did, who would report her death?" Damon jokes. Alaric is all serious when he asks again because she's a friend of Jenna's and he already has to lie to her about everything else, he doesn't want to add another thing. Hey, remember when Alaric hated Damon and only reluctantly put up with him? I know we all joke about Damon and he being BFFs but on the real, Damon is seriously his only friend and he is now actively engaged in willingly covering up Damon's homicides. Fun! Alaric looks at the time and says he's gotta go meet Jenna. "Don't worry, I'll show myself out," he says. Shortly after he leaves the room, Damon hears a crash and goes to investigate. He finds Ric in the hallway with a knife sticking out of his stomach. He quickly collapses to the floor and dies. Weredork drops from the rafters, jumps onto Damon's back and shoots him full of what I'm assuming is vervain. Jules and a few random henchwolves arrive then and send us into commercial.
Lake Shore Retirement Home. Elena is in the weapons room discovering a treasure trove of Jo(h)nathan Gilbert journals while Stefan goes to get firewood.
Trailer Of Fang-Hating Werebastards. Werehottie gets a text and tells Tyler that they're "good to go." Tyler does not look convinced. Werehottie gives a speech about how Elena is sleeping with the Mason-killing enemy and if the vamps break the curse all of the wolves are dead so it's time to follow him and do as he says. Tyler is convinced. Tyler breaks my heart.
Back at home, Uncle Jo(h)n is giving Jenna the third degree as to Elena's whereabouts. No one seems to care where Jeremy is. Jenna says that Elena is with Stefan at the lake house and Jo(h)n makes a comment about her being a bad guardian because of how she lets her teenage charge have a lot of sex with her very hot boyfriend. It causes me physical pain to agree with him, but he isn't wrong. She makes a face, and tells him that Elena wanted to get away from him, as does she, so she's going to Ric's house. Jeremy can fend for his damn self. Anders' lips disappear again as he starts bad-mouthing Alaric. He tells her that Ric is a liar and is all "ask him what really happened to his dead wife." Like, if you want her to know about the scary things that go bump in the night, just fucking tell her, Jo(h)n. Don't dangle it like a supernatural carrot and send her off to ask someone else about it, you cowardly shit! Also, how 'bout you stop calling her "Alaric's dead wife" and start calling her "the girl I knocked up as a teenager"? Or just "my evil master" since you're so clearly her fucking lapdog, you lipless jackass! Jo(h)n takes his leave and Jenna stands in the kitchen and blinks.
Salvatore Manse. Damon is chained to a chair in front of the giant fireplace (just like when he killed Mason. Memories...), while Alaric bleeds out on the rug...again. They've rigged Damon up with a collar fitted with wooden nails that they continue to tighten into his neck. He's suffering and his best friend is temporarily dead on the floor but all of that is like a trip to Disneyland compared to having to listen to Weredork and Jules natter on about their movie watching habits and the stupid moonstone. Damon says he knows how this is going to go "you're going to torture me, I don't talk, someone loses a heart."
We now return to our witchy mind fuck, already in progress. Luca is begging Bonnie to stop and she's complaining that he's fighting it while Jeremy and Caroline look uncomfortable. Bonnie gets him under control and starts asking questions. Luca tells her that Klaus has his sister because he's keeping a gaggle of witches enslaved to try and find a way to break the Curse without the doppelganger. Elijah promised to give Sis back if Junior and Doc help him kill Klaus. Klaus, it seems, can be killed after the sacrifice because he'll be weakened...for some reason. Caroline is aghast that Elijah's plan still includes the sacrifice which means Elena is going to die. This is not news that sits well with her brother and her besties.
AARP Acres. Stefan drops a load of wood off on the porch and heads to the shed for another but is promptly shot in the heart with a wooden bullet by Werehottie who then leaves Tyler there to guard him with instructions to keep him down and kill him if he moves. Commercials.
And we're back with Stefan still writhing in pain on the floor while Tyler stands over him brandishing a gun and a stake. Stefan asks Tyler to help him remove the bullet but Tyler is disinclined to help. Stefan asks why he's working with the werejerks and Tyler says it's because he can't let Stefan break the Curse. Stefan is surprised that Tyler even knows about the Curse. Tyler bitches about how they're all liars but Stefan promises that they don't want to break the Curse. Tyler says he does and shoots Stefan in the thigh. He tells Stefan that he doesn't want to be a wolf forever. Stefan begs Tyler to let him save Elena and Tyler insists that Elena will be fine. Stefan is like "oh, I'm a liar? Your new friends forgot to mention how the only way to break the Curse is to KILL Elena!" Tyler lowers his weapon all "uh...you mean the crazy people I just met last week haven't been completely honest with me? Well I am SHOCKED, I tell you."
Inside, Elena is wandering through the house looking for Stefan and wondering why the door was left wide open when it's freezing outside. She begins to suspect something has gone afoul, grabs a knife and goes to investigate. She's set upon by Werehottie but promptly stabs him in the gut and runs back inside. She runs upstairs and he tells her he can smell her so she takes off her sweater and leaves it in one room while she flees to another. This throws him off of her scent for a second but it's long enough for her to sneak back downstairs where she slams the door but stays in the house and runs to yet another room...this time the one with the secret weapons closet. when he opens the closet she stabs him in the shoulder from behind and runs out of the house with him hot on her tail. Just as he runs out the door, Stefan reaches over and rips his heart out of his chest. I'm so glad that Stefan got in a good heart-ripping! Yay! Elena and Stefan hug and Tyler walks onto the porch. He apologizes saying he really didn't know what they were going to do to her, he just didn't want to be "like this" anymore. Michael Trevino has been KILLING me this season. He has made Tyler's journey absolutely heart wrenching. Elena goes over to him and hugs him. He apologizes again and hugs her back. Aw!
Salvatore's Torture Emporium. Jules is running her mouth...again...some more. Damon is bored. Elijah arrives then, with the moonstone. "You looking for this?" he asks. He is so badass that even Damon is a little impressed right now. Elijah lays the stone down on a credenza and waits for a wereidiot to make a move for it. One henchwolf goes, Elijah rips his heart out. Two more swoop in, and E gets another two-fer - plink, plink go the hearts. Damon seems to be developing a reluctant man crush right before my eyes. Jules runs away. Weredork cowers on the floor and pulls his jacket up over his head. No, I'm not kidding. Turns out Weredork is a weremoron. Elijah calls him sweetheart and then breaks his neck. He rips Damon's chains off and mentions that it's the third time he's had to save Damon's life, then he picks up his stone and leaves. Hee.
Back from commercial, Damon is cleaning up after his own torturing and talking to Bonnie on the phone. She explains that sacrificing Elena is part of Elijah's plan. Well look who else Damon's friends with now! When he hangs up, Alaric comes back to life.
Jenna's phone rings at the Gilbert house. It's Alaric. He's sorry that he...fell asleep grading papers. Lame, Ric. Really lame. Damon caries out yet another ruined rug.
Damon calls Stefan and delivers the Elijah-is-a-double-crossing-Elena-killer news. He suggests that Stefan keep her at the lake house for a while longer. Stefan thanks him and warns him to be careful. Elena comes down and Stefan tells her what they've learned. Elena's like "well, duh! He promised to keep the people I love safe, he didn't say anything at all about keeping me safe...or alive." Once again we get the "why is it ok for you to die to protect me but not for me to die to protect the people I love" speech and once again I'm on the side of oh my God, focus less on who should die for whom and more on how to fix it so no one dies at all! But, I mean, she does have a point. She did a good job of fighting for and saving herself tonight, she isn't just some stupid damsel in distress, she should be aloud the chance to protect herself and her loved ones. Anyway, this is where Stefan gets pissed that she knew all along yet had a conversation with him about the future. I'm finding these dreary relationship talks boring. Well acted, but boring.
Caroline's house. Care has taken Luca back to the grill where he will wake up and not remember a thing. Bonnie is summing that up for Jeremy who hopes that she "drops him hard." Jeremy asks if they should wait for her and Bonnie, working the sex eyes so hard I fear she might pull a muscle, says needn't bother as Caroline just said to lock the door on their way out. As he makes for the door she asks him to wait. He turns around and I notice that McQueen got another haircut and, if it's possible, is looking even hotter. "You're Elena's little brother, I've known you forever," she tells him, much to his apparent dismay. "You're that punk kid. I remember your awkward phase, and then your emo phase. Your druggy phase." We all remember that one, Bon. It was a year and a half ago! "And then, overnight, you turned into this hot guy who's really sweet..." He zeroes right in on the important part, "you think I'm hot?" Oh my God, YES! She tries to change the subject to curses and sacrifices and whatnot but the cat is out of the bag and now that he knows that she thinks he's hot, he's so not going to let that information go. He sort of stalks over to her, over the conversation, and plants a seriously hot kiss on her. She's clearly enjoying it. When they part, she's a touch breathless. He brushes her hair out of her eyes and she gives him a "wow." He's pleased with that response and kisses her some more. H-O-T!
Interim Mayoral Mansion. Mrs. L is locking up for the night when she hears something and goes to the foyer to investigate. She finds a letter on the front table addressed to "mom." Excuse me, I've got a little dust in my eye.
The Grill. Tyler comes in with a bag slung over his shoulder looking for Matt. Matt doesn't want to talk but Tyler is serious, yet nice, and asks him as a friend. Matt gives him a moment. "I've been goin' through a rough time. Something, I can't really talk about," he says. "And Caroline's been helping me through it. She's been there for me, more than anyone's ever been there my entire life." Matt listens sadly. "And I kinda fell for her. I don't know how anyone wouldn't because...she's pretty incredible," he says. I'm crying so much right now. He's totally right about Caroline but also he's saying it in this really matter-of-fact, getting the truth out kind of way to his BEST FRIEND who he knows is in love with the same girl. It's incredibly moving. "But she loves you, and she needs you. And to be honest, she deserves someone like you. So you be good to her. OK?" You're killing me dead right now, Tyler. "Yeah, man. Of course," Matt assures him, with more than a little relief his eyes at the turn that speech took. "I'll see you around, Matt," he says and then leaves.
Caroline is in her bed reading a magazine when she hears something. She gets up and goes to the front door. She looks out, sees nothing and locks the door. Out on the porch, Tyler is standing in the shadow watching her regretfully. He leaves and meets up with Jules. He makes her promise that if he goes with her, there'll be no more lies. She promises and tells him he's doing the right thing. "I can't stay here. Not like this," he says. They drive away. Tears are running down my face. Michael Trevino is amazing and I'm going to miss him SO MUCH until he returns. Jules is a LIFE RUINER!!!
Next week, Stefan used to kill people while wearing the world's most hideous wig.
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