I can't believe that we're less than a week away from the season finale of The Vampire Diaries. What the hell am I going to do with myself all summer without the unbelievably attractive denizens of Mystic Falls and all their awesome drama?
"Isobel" is among the top 5 episodes of the season for sure, maybe the top 3. After dropping by the Grill at the end of last episode to surprise her widow, Isobel sticks around town to irritate and torture everyone else but no one more than the collective viewership, but I'll get back to that.
Isobel tells Ric that if he doesn't facilitate a meeting with Elena for her, she'll kill everyone in town, starting with his students. Ric tries to stand up to her, all "screw you. You selfish bitch," but she's evil, violent and persuasive. So he calls a meeting of the vamp-lovers club (which no one has bothered to invite either Jeremy or Anna to, which is so thoughtless) and gives them the lowdown.
Damon is all peeved that his boyfriend didn't ask any of the questions he personally wanted answers to like, what's up with Uncle John, what does she know about the mystery invention, what does she know about the tomb vamps, and why is she so mean. Damon gets all protective of Elena but in the end the Salvatores, Elena and Alaric make a plan for E to meet Isobel and her deeply annoying jewelry (some of which was provided by Katherine so she could get around in sunlight) at the Grill. Stefan camps out by the pool tables where he can use his vamp super hearing to eavesdrop on their convo. Ric and Stefan stand guard outside but I'm not entirely sure what for, other than to spend time together which, honestly, is good enough reason for me.
Elena asks mommy dearest who knocked her up back in the day and Isobel insists it isn't important as the guy was merely a teenage waste of space. I have no doubt. Isobel is all "I work pretty hard to make sure that no humanity ever seeps into my personality so I'm just going to sit here and be as bitchy as possible." While outside, Damon and Ric have have a heart to heart about how a vampire's instinct is not to feel at all but that you can choose to go against that instinct and feel human emotions that make you a likable person and a good brofriend. But Isobel is taking the easy way out.
Back inside Isobel cuts to the chase, she wants that fucking useless invention and she wants it now. Menacing and threatening ensues. After Isobel leaves Bonnie finds Elena clearly in emotional turmoil and just turns and runs off because her sudden heart hardening has made her kind of an irritating person.
Jeremy has been trying to get in touch with Anna since the other night but she's not returning his calls or texts and then Uncle John tries to be the friend guy he can talk to but Jeremy knows he knows but Uncle John doesn't know he knows he knows (it's like an episode of Friends up in this mofo - "they don't know we know they know we know"!) so he's playing it all wrong.
Damon's decided he's sick of Isobel's shit and especially sick of her threatening people he cares about (and they make it seem like he just means Elena, but I think we all know he also means Ric) so he tracks down her lair. While waiting for her to arrive, he plays a rousing game of strip poker with er thralled minion Cheri during which he loses a couple of hands in spectacular fashion. He's in the midst of pantsing himself (Damon: "uh oh, Cheri, you won again. Hope I'm wearing my good underwear." Audience: "we hope you're not wearing underwear at all!"), when Isobel gets home and prompts him to not only zip up, but also to put his shirt back on (he doesn't button it, but still). That's when the audience got out their pitchforks because as has been said on the Internet about a zillion times since Thursday, only someone who is pure evil would int erupt a Salvatore playing strip poker causing them to put clothes back on! What a BITCH!
Ahem. Anyway...mutual menacing, a shit-ton of really close talking, a brief heavy-breathing make-out session, and some talk about how Katherine is pulling all the strings on this mystery invention deal ensue. Then Damon seizes the opportunity to pin Isobel to the floor in an iron choke hold and give her a little talking to. "Now that I have your attention, listen up. You do NOT come into my town and threaten people I care about. Going after Elena? Baaad move. You leave her alone or I will rip you to bits, because I do believe in killing the messenger. You know why? Because it sends a message. Katherine wants something from me? You tell that little BITCH to come get it herself!" I think you see why I had to transcribe that in it's entirety.
Bonnie's been doing some light reading and has decided to keep her friends close and her enemies closer.
Oh hey, did you know Founders Day was coming up in Mystic Falls? I know, they keep their local events on the extreme down low don't they? Anyway, floats are to be built putting Caroline back in the position to over-spirit, and mettle in the Bonnie/Elena feud and Matt/Tyler feud. Matt and Tyler are working on a float together and while Tyler tries to mend fences, he does a piss-poor job and Matt is not having any more of his shit. I find myself more and more intrigued by where the Matt/Tyler story will go next season when his werewolfiness is revealed and the shit in this town gets even more insane.
Anyway, while everyone is working on floats, the shit really starts to hit the fan. First Jeremy tells Elena that he knows what Anna is and he knows Elena knows and he read her journal and he is hip to everything. Then Isobel shows up and pins Matt's pretty little arm under a trailer (Tyler, half a dozen other boys and Stefan - mostly Stefan - lift it up off of him while Caroline calls 911 and then makes the executive decision that they're not waiting 20 minutes for an ambulance and instead Tyler is driving them to the hospital. Matt isn't happy about it but he doesn't argue with his loving girlfriend because he's smart enough to know that will get him nowhere), then kidnaps Jeremy. Oy.
Bonnie shows Elena Emily's grimoire and clues her in that Johnathan Gilbert wasn't really an inventor but instead Emily secretly hit all his "inventions" up with some mojo to make them work. She was loyal to Katherine but I guess she wanted to give the humans a fighting chance so she secretly helped them level the playing field. Turns out the device Katherine wants Uncle John to have is a weapon for killing vampires.
Uncle John finds out Isobel is holding Jeremy for ransom and he tries to get stern with her but she slaps him around and takes off his secret ring and then leaves the two to confab about who knows what about vampires and old inventions and whatnot.
Elena asks Bonnie to de-mojo the device so that Damon will give it up and Bonnie agrees but Damon doesn't trust her. She flings Jack London at his head to convince him (I know, weak sauce, but sometimes they are so worried with moving the story along at a break-neck pace that reason and logic have to take a smoke break). She stands around spinning the devices innards in the air like so much parlor trickery and then declares it completely mojo-free. And they're off to make the trade.
Isobel announces that Damon is in love with Elena which both of the brother hear and there's this whole awkward moment and then Elena calls home where both Jeremy and Uncle John are fine and safe and faking like Uncle John sipped on a banana peel for Jena's benefit. Elena tells Isobel she sucks then Isobel tells Elena that having a Salvatore on each arm is a curse (what the fuck ever!). She leaves and then there's schmooping and mooning and more awkwardness.
Back at home, Jeremy tells Elena that he's pissed about all the stuff he knows now that she kept from him and slams the door in her face. Just as he's about to tuck himself in, Anna pops up to tell him that someone killed her mom and then she cries and he hugs her and they continue to be adorable. You know, except for his hair because holy CRAP does Steven McQueen need a wash and a cut!
Isobel confronts Alaric and they tiff about how she acts hard-hearted like she doesn't give a shit about anything but she cared enough to give him the ring of living forever. So then he tosses her both the ring and the vervain he keeps in his pocket and suggest that she either compel him or kill him because he doesn't believe that she's not the old Isobel anymore. Then she does indeed compel him to put the ring back on and to get over her once and for all. I'm not impressed that she suddenly acted kind of nice for a second because who wouldn't get all warm and tingly while up close and personal with Ric?
Stefan and Damon chat about how Stefan is not interested in repeating the threesome situation they got themselves into with Katherine back in the day and therefore Damon needs to stop being in love with Elena. Damon is flippant. I love when Damon is flippant.
Shortly after Damon spells it out for Stefan, Isobel and Uncle John confirm that Uncle John is really Elena's bio-dad and then Isobel asks John to use the device to kill all the Tomb Vamps and also the Salvatores. Oh yeah, and she also gives him his damn ring back.
Bonnie confides to Caroline that she told Elena she did something that she didn't really do. Oh Bonnie! Stupid, stupid Bonnie!