I Hate Them All

And by "them" I mean the main characters on Gossip Girl. Well fine, hate is a strong word. I don't care about most of them, wish others would go away forever and could tolerate others if they were tertiary characters in the Eleanor/Cyrus/Darota/Vanya spin-off I keep praying for.

Jenny continues to be the worst thing about this show. This week she spent more time trying to get into Nate's pants and therefore being the suckiest step-sister ever.

Meanwhile Serena is back to her daddy issues. Carter Bazin tracked him down and she tried to hide it all from Nate but she's not smart and Jenny exists and Carter's a dick so that all went badly. In the end she showed up on daddy's Miami doorstep only to find Lily.

Speaking of Lily, Rufus is on to her and he's had it. So have I - their marital woes are easily the least interesting thing to happen to the Upper East Side ever.

Vanessa is out of town so Dan has nothing to do but get ice and befriend Blair. And ok, the Blair thing was vaguely interesting because I have always wanted those two to form an alliance of some kind. But it all happened as part of her total meltdown over what awful, hateful, evil people she and Chuck are which would have been an interesting development if it had happened a year and ago when she and Chuck actually were those people. Now that they're all boring and loving, it's ridiculous.

Leighton Meester did rock her breakdown scenes though.

Chuck was trying to win her back over by throwing a wedding for Darota and Vanya in one day and while it didn't work, the wedding was really nice. Plus it put a ton of focus on the people in the show that are fun and don't suck - Darota, Vanya, Eleanor and Cyrus.

Oh, and Eric who has a crush on the boy he met in the Waldorf's lobby last week but he doesn't know if that boy is gay so he just keeps looking for excuses to go to the Waldorf's house to try and accidentally run into him again. When New Guy brings his girlfriend to the wedding Eric's adorable little heart is crushed. Then New Guy sends the girlfriend home because he goes both ways and right now he'd like to be going Eric's way. I don't blame him, Eric is adorable. Even with this new, awful hairdo of his.

Speaking of bad hair - it was all over the place this week! Serena showed up for the wedding looking like she's experimenting with low-flow shower heads, dry shampoo and Crisco as a styling product. Not to be outdone, Nate chose that same event to pump the top right side of his hair full of helium while the random longer bits at the back flipped up crazy-like. Jenny's atrocious extensions still look like extra long hanks ripped from the scalp of a Cabbage Patch Corn Silk doll and pasted to her head with Elmers white kindergarten paste. And Dan is still styling his curly locks in a '20s comb over.

Unfortunately hair wasn't the only hideous thing happening on the UES last night. The fashion was also one miss after another. It was bad through the entire episode but the wedding was a cacophony of ugly clothes. Jenny wore a sienna dress that was 2 sizes too small and was squeezing her boobs out through a cut-out up top, paired with black lace stockings. Blair wore a dress with both illusion netting and a bow across the front of her pelvis. I think she might have mistaken "traditional Polish wedding" with "figure skating competition." It happens. Serena wore a limp, blue-grey grandmother-of-the-bride wrap dress that gaped at the chest and pooched out at the stomach making her look flat-chested and fat. She is decidedly neither. Flat-chested was a big theme of the night as Blair and a random Chuck chippy both wore blouses that made their chests look positively concave. And everyone in the episode walked hunched over - probably ashamed to be involved in the mess this entire show has become.