March 23, 2010

Gossip Girl, consider yourself PIPed!

What's a PIP? That's the deceptively cute acronym my company uses to denote a performance improvement plan - what an employee is put on that officially gives them 30, 60 or 90 days to shape up or file for unemployment benefits. And after another week of complete boredom, I'm PIPing the hell out of Gossip Girl.

The episode was mostly about Jenny's plan to lose her virginity to Skeeve and the resulting completely inept plans of everyone she knows to thwart her in her mission. Serena tries to get Skeeve to climb all over her again and arrange for Jenny to walk in on it. Rufus puts out an APB. Lily tries to be someone she can talk to (a truly fantastic plan with anyone but Jenny Humphrey). Dan tries...ok, Dan and Vanessa are really way too busy trying to decide where they should act like they're just friends and where they can go ahead and eat each others' faces off to give two shits that Jenny is being deflowered by a grotesque drug dealer. Priorities. And Nate first tries to help Serena (ugh! These two are a cacophony of incompetent scheming), then he tricks Jenny into being caught by Rufus, then he tries to explain how if she has sex with Skeeve, she'll end up being a big whore like Serena, his girlfriend. Then he gets punched in the face by Skeeve right before Little Bitch, er, I mean J, runs off with him for her cherry popping ceremony.

Off to a hotel these two detestable morons go. Once in bed (and only 1/2 undressed - ?), Jenny pauses the action to make sure Skeeve knows she's a virgin. He's like, "duh!" but he's failing to grasp that what she's telling him is she wants to discuss it first, to make sure she's really doing the right thing, and then if they go ahead with it, she wants him to make it special. What he wants is to hurry it up because he's got drugs that aren't going to sell themselves. Once she realizes that I call this asshat "Skeeve" for a reason, she takes her grossly thin and bony self home where she tells all the people who've gathered there because they care about her (do not ask me why), that she and Skeeve broke up, then she is rude to them all and stomps off to her room before she tells Serena that she did have sex with Skeeve because Little J has not one single likable cell in her entire, emaciated body.

The other main plot point was that Jack Bass slithered back into town and messed with Chuck's head so Chuck got a DNA test to make sure that Strange Accent is really his mom. He also created a sex scandal out of nothing, and schemed with both Strange Accent and Chuck's lawyer to get Chuck to sign over control of his hotel to Strange Accent (when the DNA test came back saying she was his mom - though, who the eff knows if that's the truth) and, essentially, Jack himself. Convoluted? Yes. Stupid? Yes. A bit of ridiculousness that the real Chuck Bass would have spotted at 50 paces and also schemed to turn back around on Jack? Definitely. Further ruination the awesomeness of my favorite character (actually, characters because he's tied with Blair and she didn't catch the snap on this one either!) on the show? God, yes!

In other news, Rufus and Lilly make up and then Lilly's mom calls and uses her poor health to guilt Lily into contacting Dr. van der Woodsen to help her again - CeCe was apparently the impetus for their reunion last time too - and Lily braces for that but doesn't tell Rufus because she's learning impaired.

And Dan and Vanessa decide to tell everyone that their dating even though exactly no one cares.

Oh! I almost forgot, Jenny wasn't content with being hated for her personality, attitude, wardrobe, behavior, makeup, hair, and bad choices - she had to go and completely misunderstand Dirty Dancing and claim that Dr. Houseman was a worse father than Rufus so now I don't just want the show to send her away to boarding school in Caracas, I actually want them to kill her in a bloody military coup while she's there! Fuck you, Humphrey! Dr. H was more awesome than Rufus ever thought of being and you're misread of that situation is officially the stupidest thing you've ever said or done. And you have a long and storied history of saying and doing monumentally stupid things.

God, I'm really starting to hate this show.

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