November 17, 2009

Coke Whores All Around!

Sorry I'm tardy with my posts trip to the dentist slowed me way down this morning.

Let's talk about television, shall we?

Gossip Girl gave us the fallout from the unholy threesome and proved once and for all that the only people on this show that know anything about anything are Chuck, Blair, and Nate.

Vanessa and Duff engaged in a juvenile tug of war over Dan during a Snow White/Lady Gaga-themed cabaret featuring Blair as the evil queen (duh), Duff as Snow White (ugh) and Dan as Prince Charming (ppffftttt!) with Vanessa directing. That wasn't even a dream sequence, it played out in real life! Duff broke up with Dan when she decided that the way he kissed V during their creepy-capades meant he loved V, causing Dan to "realize" that he still harbors deep feelings of love for Vanessa even though there has been nothing at all resembling these feelings since a flashback from the first season, but whatever. If he does really have these feelings, it is possible they were brought on by the fact that Jessica Szohr has the most gorgeous eyes ever.

Serena can't keep it in her pants around Senator Tripp and once Nate's mom schools Tripp in who exactly was responsible for Project Hudson Hero, Tripp is more than willing to roll in the hay with the hot blond teenager who is very much not his wife. Which is really too bad, because I was quite enjoying the scenes where Nate was keeping S away from the Senator with a whip, a chair, tales of Dan's ridiculous love life, shots of tequila, and his own extreme sexiness. Even if I did think that was a random place for the writers to go after so much time has passed.

And finally, Chuck continues being a respectable business man by playing tour guide for a diplomat's son in the form of Kevin Zeggers, who I have to say, has looked hotter. But before they head to the planetarium or some other lame locale, Chuck makes a stop at Prada Marfa Palace to drop off some Bass Industries paperwork to Lily. That's where he takes some good-natured familial ribbing from new step-dad Rufus (love!) and then agrees to let Jenny take his diplomat-sitting duties since Kevin Zeggers is setting Little J's pants a flame.

But it turns out that the Zegg is running his own pharmaceutical business. Jenny discovers this and continues to tag along with him and even use her crotch as a sort of "bag man" during a transaction. She is clearly uncomfortable and attempts to make a break for the powder room but Zegg is all creepy and shit and won't let her. That's when her new big brother (and former would-be date rapist - because that's how far shit on this show has come people!) pops in (love!). Chuck schools Zegg in the finer points of who not to mess with. Informing him that Housekeeping found his stash and that he and his father can take their diplomatic asses out of his hotel with a swiftness or they can catch up to their bags on the curb. Zeggy tries to flex his muscle and Chuck counters with "I'm Chuck Bass. Even Europeans must know what that means." (LOVE!!!)

He then spirits Jenny home and tells her to, you know, stop trying to nail drug dealers or before she knows it she'll get herself in so much trouble that even Blair and he will not be able to rescue her. As soon as she's back in her room she texts Zeggy with a proposition for doing it again some time. Man is that little bitch ever stupid!

And drugs were a main plot focus over on One Tree Hill too, as Millie continued her warp-speed slide into coke-whore-dom. She demanded a 1/2 million clams from Brooke for being the face of COB - even though the campaign is "zero is not a size" and with every passing minute Millie gets closer and closer to zero so for that and many other reasons Brooke would like to tell her to shove her demands and her 'tude up her annoying ass. Then Alex called her out for stealing and snorting all her coke, Millie swore she'd stop but then 10 minutes passed and she went into withdrawal so she called some other skinny coked-up model who came over and got high with Millie in the bathroom. That's when Mouth busted her for it and though we didn't actually see him kick her sorry ass out of his apartment, I certainly hope that's exactly what happened because developing a drug problem is one thing, but a drug problem on top of her newly atrocious personality is more than anyone should put up with. Ever!

Anyway, off to Tric she went where she did some shots with Alex, who actually did the shots this time because she's all depressed over Julian not loving her. I would feel sorry for her if the entire Julian/Brooke/Alex triangle story weren't so utterly ridiculous.

Oh yeah, and despite the fact that we didn't see it when she was at the doctor, it turns out that not only was Brooke not pregnant last week, but due to some un-named medical ailment that her doctor could diagnose just as easily as diagnosing "not pregnant," she's unable to ever have children. And when she tells Julian it brings them closer together (until the next episode I'm sure) so they're all snuggled in bed together when the phone rings at 3am and it's Millie informing Brooke that she (and Alex) were arrested and need her help. Brooke says no and hangs up which...cold! I mean, I'm starting to hate Millicent quite a lot but still, that was Victoria harsh right there.

Speaking of Victoria, she's back in town and fixin' to fuck the beard right off of Psychic Bartender Man.

Nate is ten kinds of pissed that Clay did not get him a contract with Carolina so he heads to his house for a confab and finds Quinn there, calling Clay "baby," - weird - and that is just one step too far for Nathan so he fires Clay. I could almost understand it - finding out via ESPN that you don't have a job is just traumatic enough to cause you to go temporarily postal after all - but then he asked Hailey if she thought he was too hard on Clay and Hailey basically said he wasn't hard enough and then she went and called Quinn a career-killing slut-muffin (maybe not in those exact words). I called foul on the whole thing because no one in their right mind should listen to someone whose hair looks like THAT!

There was a really poorly written thing with Dan trying to drown Clay and then Clay telling Dan that his wife is dead and stuff which I totally didn't get. The upshot is that Clay is jobless because his firm fired him after Nathan did. Quinn is staying at a hotel instead of with Clay though how she can afford that with now discernible job I can't imagine. Dan might be friends with both Clay and Mouth brain short-circuited during those scenes so I'm not entirely sure what's going on there. And Nathan and Hailey are a matched pair of assholes.

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