September 15, 2009

Daddy issues and dead kids?

One Tree Hill and Gossip Girl premiered their 7th and 3rd seasons respectively last night...I was giddy as a school girl.

One Tree Hill - So it's been 14 months since last we saw the OTH gang and Lucas and Peyton became parents. During those months the L. Scotts moved from Tree Hill for reasons that were not made clear; Haley has taken over running Red Bedroom Records while she records a record of her own; Nathan has finished his first season in the NBA and has his agent, Clay, working on getting him re-signed but until that happens, Clay has Nathan shilling for body spray which is pretty hilarious; Brooke and Julian are in a long distance relationship while he produces movies all over the world and she focuses on the creative aspects (I assume) of Clothes Over Bros in Tree Hill and Millie runs the business side in New York...yeah, that's right Millie took over that shit and is Victoria's boss. And Mil went and became all badass which was kind of awesome; Jamie is turning 7 and so they're throwing him a ridiculously lavish party, which his heretofore unseen aunt Quinn attends. Quinn is one of Haley's many siblings that we've never met. She's a photographer who's left her husband; Skillz is starting a business and refuses to move out of the apartment he shares with Mouth (I guess Junk and Fergie already moved out but they don't really say...maybe the writers have decided to forget they ever existed like they did with Tim way back); and finally, Dan has gotten a new heart and a TV show where he's some kind of preachy self-help guru which is exactly as unsettling as it sounds.

I thought it was lovely that Brooke was going to propose to Julian and I hope now that he's bailed on the New Zealand movie, she tries again. I am so in favor of women proposing to men. I'm annoyed by the implication that Nathan cheated on Haley but I'm saying for the record now that either that girl is making up the whole thing to extort money and there actually is no proof what-so-ever (which is why she needed the photo at the party in the first place) or she drugged him, because I seriously do not believe Nathan would cheat on Haley in a million years. Also, I predict the thing that makes Clay not believe in love and act all sullen and depressed when he's alone and why he's sending flowers to someone on the 14th is because he was married once and they had a kid and the kid died and it came between them. And that's why he's so fond of Jamie.

Gossip Girl - The daddy issues are less a prediction than the dead kid thing. Those I'm sure of. So Serena and Carter Baizen tracked down her dad and he wanted nothing to do with her and so she went all Girls Gone Wild, bailed on Baizen and tramped her way around the globe actively trying to get snapped by as many paparazzi as possible to try to get daddy's attention. Somehow Eric and Jenny managed to keep the rags from coming to the attention of either Dan or Rufus all summer. Oh yeah, Rufus was holding down the van der Woodsen fort for the summer while Lilly tends to her very ill mother. So as the summer draws to a close and Serena comes home with the paps in tow, Dan catches on followed by Rufus...though the latter needed some help figuring it out because, you know, he's Rufus. Serena tells Dan that Carter is stalking her (not true) and he enlists Blair to help him save Serena from that (by getting a restraining order requiring that Carter stay 100 yards away from Blair at all times and she just plans on sticking to Serena like glue thereby keeping him far from S as well...which was completely awesome) and then Serena, who at this point can't even fucking help herself, takes that opportunity to spit in the face of the help, steal a horse from a polo match and nail Carter in a meadow before leaving him there to take the heat for the hot horses.

That's when Rufus tries to help Serena out by paying off the paps to stop taking pics of her and buys up all those they've already taken...oh, except for one pap who can't be found. Turns out Serena is paying him herself to make sure that pictures of her being highly inappropriate remain splashed across the rags in Europe and Asia to try to get her dad's attention. These sorts of daddy issues are exactly what land people in porn. I'm just saying.

In other news, Blair and Chuck are a happy couple - well, they're trying to be but they're both so broken they don't really understand the concept like regular people do. So they spend their time enacting elaborate scenarios where Blair can catch Chuck almost cheating on her, humiliate the girl and then turn the ensuing endorphins into sexual energy they're all too happy to burn off together. Just as twisted as you'd expect from these two. But their friends separately convince them that they're being ridiculous and they should really stop acting and start enjoying each other just as they are, so that creates all this weird awkwardness until Chuck bizarrely becomes the voice of reason and they get it on with no help from anyone else...they do still employ some cheesy fantasies but that's a lot less wackadoo when it doesn't involve unwitting third parties.

Nate has decided to nail his grandfather's political rival's grand daughter, Bree (Joanna Garcia), in part to piss of grandad and in part 'cause she's hot. Grandad is going to pretend to go along with it all the while hatching a plan to use that relationship to bring down the rival. Poor, stupid, horny Nate.

Vanessa has her Brooklyn, poor-girl hackles up with Dan because he's got a designer wallet full of hundred dollar bills and expensive sunglasses and accepts rides from the van der Woodsen limo and attends charity polo matches but doesn't tell her about any of it. I love V normally, but bitch was in the WRONG last night. There is nothing wrong with Dan accepting the perks that come with his family joining together with a rich family especially when everyone involved - even V herself - know damn well that Lilly and Eric and (albeit to a far lesser extent right now) Serena are nice people. I'll admit that she also lost a lot of sympathy when she showed up to the polo match looking like the corner of BoHo Avenue and HoBo Street with hair straight out of the dumpster behind Homeless Jim's. Whatever. She's also got a new boyfriend who just happens to be the bio-son of Rufus and Lilly who's cozied up to Vanessa specifically to get close to Rufus because he knows he's their kid but they don't. What I can't figure out is why his birth certificate had his adoptive parents' names on it and what the eff the significance is because they lingered on that thing for like 45 minutes.

Next week school starts and more crazy shit happens. God, I missed these people!

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