May 1, 2009

Fashion Lessons From Space

The new Star Trek movie premiered last night and while JJ Abrams is using this film to teach us the back story of the characters we all know and...know from the Treks of the past, the stars attending the premiere used the event to teach us some valuable sartorial lessons.

Lesson 1: Men wear vests. It was vest-a-palooza at Grauman's last night. Adrian Pasdar, Chris Pines (I almost missed his because his eyes and face were so pretty I couldn't see what he was wearing), Zachary Levi, Neil Patrick Harris, and Frankie Muniz (is he still around?) all wore vests. At least three of those people not only wore the same vest but the same general ensemble.

Lesson 2: One shoulder dresses are a huge hit with the surgically enhanced. Between Tori Spelling/Kendra Wilkinson and the Three Vestateers up there, I have a feeling more than one stylist got an earful of rage last night. Though, maybe not from Kendra, she seems to think it's pretty funny but that's probably just because hers is the least ugly of the two very similar dresses.

Lesson 3: Nicollette Sheridan is awesome and has great legs but that does not make it ok to wear a dress from the Juniors department's Pretend To Be A Grown Up and Wear These "Sensible" Skirts and Dresses To Your Next Job Interview collection.

Lesson 4: Nicollette really took one for the team last night by demonstrating two lessons, lesson the second: ugly shoes make an ugly dress worse. She obviously had no idea that Michelle Monahan was going to serve this lesson up on a neon platter in such a way that Nic's poor, sad, Stripper Day At The Retirement Home sandals would seem downright fabulous in comparison.

Lesson 5: Conversely, a great pair of shoes can make a bad dress quite a bit easier to take. That's what Zoe Saldana wanted us to remember.

Lesson 6: The only thing worse than an ugly dress, is an ill-fitting (and wrinkled) dress. Thank you, Rachel Nichols, for taking that bullet for us all.

Lesson 7: It matters not how gorgeous you are, there are still some things you will not be able to pull off. Even when you think you can. Exhibit A: Heidi Klum in a fringed tragedy that may or may not involve spandex bike shorts. I can see she may have been attempting to help Zoe with Lesson 5 but while the shoes are good, they are not fierce enough to nullify the fringe. Sorry Heidi.

Lesson 8: Mother Nature doesn't always get it right. It's true with Mandy Moore and it's true with Leighton Meester - God made them blonds but they just look hotter as brunettes. Leighton also seems to have inadvertently tried to get in on the Lesson 4 action but while I do think the shoes are a big miss, the dress is merely "feh" and not the total fug that Michele's is. She's going to have to settle for demonstrating only Lesson 8 and Lesson 7.5 which states that a zipper down the full length of the front of a dress declasses the frock no matter how classy the wearer.

Lesson 9: Winona Ryder is either stumping tirelessly to reprise her role as Lydia Deetz in a new Broadway version of Beetle Juice or she is just really effing frightening. You be the judge.

Lesson 10: Neutral-toned shoes are a huge trend right now and there is a reason for it - when done properly, they're fab-u-lous! Thank you Hayden Panettiere (and Jennifer Garner while doing press for her new movie in New York yesterday) for demonstrating this lesson so perfectly.

Lesson 11: Scott Speedman is a very handsome man no matter how hard his hair sometimes works to make you forget it.

Lesson 12: No matter how many times I say it, beg, plead, scream, gnash my teeth, or prey for it to end, the bandage dress remains a scourge on Hollywood. If these women insist on wearing the same dress in a different cut and color every other time they leave the house, I just don't know what to say about it anymore. This lesson is ONCE AGAIN demonstrated by two of the most egregious repeat offenders Amanda Bynes and the lovely Sophia Bush as well as Kristin Cavallari. They drive this lesson home like a railroad spike through our collective forehead.

Kristin also shows that there is some work that goes into making Lesson 10 a reality because her neutral shoes are hideous.

And there is no lesson here but I just want to mention that while I don't approve of Sophia Bush's continued love affair with Mr. Leger and his tiresome bandage dress, I love her earrings to bits and pieces.

That is all.

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