February 23, 2009

Weekend In Reviews

Thought I forgot about this didn't ya? Nope, just haven't watched a movie in a long time. But I got back to it this weekend.

Max Payne: Oy was this movie disjointed, confusing, ridiculous and bad. The plot - such as it is - revolves around Detective Max Payne (Mark Wahlberg) whose wife and baby were murdered and who subsequently became obsessed with finding her killer. It's been a couple of years (I think...this movie is as clear as mud) and he's starting to get close so naturally other people get killed which only makes it easier to figure out who the killer is. So the motive has to do with his ridiculous drug that comes in the form of blue liquid you ingest and then makes you either invincible or makes you hallucinate Valkyries that then really tear you limb from limb. It seems Max's dad's former partner (Beau Bridges) and current head of security at a pharmaceutical company figured out that there was a real market for a recreational drug that makes people want to tattoo wings all over their bodies (and faces) and then hallucinate themselves to death - and why wouldn't there be? - so he's doing a little dealing on the side. So the drug claims the life of a particularly trampy Russian girl and that really pisses off the girl's assassin sister (Mila Kunis) to track down the killer. They don't though, because the killer just up and confesses all this shit to Max. Ludacris is also in it playing an Internal Affairs Officer though why he was necessary I do not for the life of me know. I'm not complaining, I like Ludacris very much, but it's a waste of his time to be in this movie. I can't really believe how much big name talent they racked up for this movie - Donal Logue, Kate Burton and Chris O'Donnell all have small roles - with a story this thin based on a freaking video game. The movie is not at all good. Save yourself an hour and forty minutes, do not ever rent this movie. If it's on TV and you happen past it, turn the channel.

The Women: Meg Ryan's husband is having an affair with Eva Mendes. Meg's girlfriends, mother, daughter, housekeeper and manicurist all have opinions about it. Meg takes a lot of advice, then does what she wants to, then makes a fabulous life for herself then starts dating her husband again. This movie is like First Wives Club without a single male actor, no revenge, only two fleshed-out characters and no plot. I don't know why they even hired Jada Pinkett-Smith, the character only has about 3 minutes of screen time, which happens to be only about 2 minutes less than Debra Messing. This movie definitely did nothing to quell my raging hatred for Eva Mendes and her complete inability to fucking act! The real star of this movie is Meg Ryan's hair which is fantastic. They must have spent 1/2 the budget and 3/4 of the total production time on that coif.

The movie was fine. Something you'd want to watch on a Saturday afternoon when it's on TV though, I don't think I'd recommend spending actual money to rent it.

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